Oh precious one, your presence in my life has blessed me. I cry, already missing your sweet face and embrace, and that love offering of a smile that bore the fruit of happiness in my heart.
Mother Carry Me, Your Child I Will Aways Be
It was assisted euthanasia. Like a water birth, and I was the midwife. Only this was her death.
We were in a large pool in a creek. The water was low and I was allowing it to fill up, like in a swimming pool, or a bathtub, until it would cover her and take her under. And I would let her go. I would stay with her and hold her hand until she went under the water and drowned.
But all of a sudden the water was deep and it took her when my back was turned.
She was gone. And I wasn't holding her hand. The water was rough and murky and I couldn't see under it's surface. I was walking around searching for her with my hands in the water, trying to find her. But all the while I was afraid that I would find her, her body, floating in the water, dead.
I stepped down into another pool where the water was calm and clear. I saw her lying there, convulsing and bleeding on the gravel floor of the creek bed. It was like she was lying in front of the hearth in a living room. A sacrifice on the altar of her watery grave.
The sight of her scared me at first, seeing her there. Still alive. Struggling. With her blood swirling in the water above her head like a spiraling halo. I ducked behind a corner to hide so I wouldn't have to witness her death. But I turned back and went to her. I couldn't let her die alone. I reached down and took her hand as I crawled between her and hearth. It's not so easy, lying on the rocky bottom of a creek bed, holding on to someone you love as they die.
I maneuvered myself in next to her. And I was holding her hand. She looked at me. As our eyes met, I told her, "I found you mama, I'm here." It's not so easy speaking underwater.
I held her head in my hands and kissed her as she died.
Mother Carry Me, Your Child I Will Always Be