Thursday, June 30, 2011

Exhausted with Dispassion

I'm exhausted and want to sleep but here I am awake before the sunrise and have been for a couple of hours.  When I got up yesterday morning I looked a hundred years old with my puffy eyes and wrinkles.  Of course I had spent the whole day before crying.  No crying yesterday.  I felt mostly sad but actually had a pretty fine day.  All that writing helped me move a lot of emotions through my body.

It was strange, after writing about all that self loathing body image stuff I actually felt good being in my body yesterday.  Better than I have in a while.  Last night I was invited out for drinks and dinner with seven women friends that I rarely see.  One friend who has been living in Burma but is in the midst of moving to Ecuador was here visiting and another was here from Brazil.  I was sitting at this table with all these adventurous, creative, smart, sexy women and I realized I was there in my own adventurous, creative, smart, sexy self.  I was subdued no doubt, not quite on my game, but I was present and happy.  As crazy complicated as we women are, being in each others presence makes things so easy and obvious sometimes.  I was with my tribe.

I'm noticing that I feel quite dispassionate and it seems as if I've closed down my heart in order to not feel the all the mixed emotions.  Sadness.  Anger.  Confusion about things that just aren't sitting right that I don't have the energy to sort out.

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