It's interesting ya know. I've advocated for non-monogamy in my relationship with my husband since before we were married. We've always practiced non-monogamy in theory, since we've been together, over 14 years now. But the way it played out for us was that we were so wrapped up in one another, creating a life together, that we fell into monogamy by a sort of default. We were happy together, our needs were being met and there were other things to attend to. Truly opening and being available to polyamory has been a 9 year journey.
My husband has been both open and closed to polyamory. He's a very sex-positive guy but has struggled with jealousy and possessiveness. I have too. Opening to allowing for sex with others has been easier for him than opening to allowing for loving others. He has told me that he would be happy being monogamous with me. I've never been willing.
I do find it interesting that loving polyamorously seems easier when it's oneself doing the loving and sexing with another, when you are the one who's off on an adventure. I know I can love more than one just fine, but when my primary partner is the one off having fun without me, well, that takes courage. It's takes willingness to be with myself and face what I find there with faith and compassion.
A lot of good things are scary when they are new. I'm happy to be on this adventure.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The Sexual Energy of Jealousy
I've been contemplating the connection between jealousy and sexual energy. As far as I can ascertain, I've experienced that jealously feels identical to new relationship energy (NRE). Whether it's me with a sexual attraction for a new person in my life, or my partner who is interested and perhaps out on a date with a new person, I feel this giddery sense of anxiousness and my stomach churns. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time and it's difficult for me to focus intently on the tasks at hand, without my mind wandering to thoughts of the objects of my jealousy. I feel my nerves bubbling all over. Perhaps compersion enters the picture at a bit later date, when the new relationship is actually established and one has become comfortable with it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Slow Down, You Move Too Fast
"But I have always preferred getting to know people more slowly."
A friend said this to me recently and it really got me thinking about slowness. I was in the midst of my pain scenario with my teeth and everything in my life was moving in slow motion. Pain, Vicodin, and lack of sleep had really put the brakes on for me. I was walking slowly, eating slowing (trying to eat I should say), talking slowly. Every move I made was slow and calculated. Mindful. I enjoy being mindful. I started contemplating some of the good slow things in life.
Slow Sex--yummy. I have this picture in my office. I like it a lot.
The Slow Food Movement and here.
Kinhin--zen slow walking meditation.
And another take on it which is more my style, not with walking contemplation per se, but the way I move through life in general.
The Tortoise and the Hare
A friend said this to me recently and it really got me thinking about slowness. I was in the midst of my pain scenario with my teeth and everything in my life was moving in slow motion. Pain, Vicodin, and lack of sleep had really put the brakes on for me. I was walking slowly, eating slowing (trying to eat I should say), talking slowly. Every move I made was slow and calculated. Mindful. I enjoy being mindful. I started contemplating some of the good slow things in life.
Slow Sex--yummy. I have this picture in my office. I like it a lot.The Slow Food Movement and here.
Kinhin--zen slow walking meditation.
And another take on it which is more my style, not with walking contemplation per se, but the way I move through life in general.
The Tortoise and the Hare
Synonyms for slow:
unhurried, deliberate, gradual, leisurely
I tend to be impatient at times.
I can do slow.
This song came to mind so I posted it below.
The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)
In respect to moving slowly. I tried to post this song with a much younger version of Simon and Garfunkel but it wouldn't take. That's ok. I like old guys and besides, I think we all learn to move a little slower, hopefully gracefully, as we age.
Pain Update
Just a quick update.
Oh my god. Talk about pain. Big. Lots. Intense. Way bad hurting, up to my limits and way beyond. I was pretty crazed. I didn't sleep Friday or Saturday nights. Not at all. I got the strongest vicodin they prescribe from the immediate care place on Saturday morning and then took double the dosage. It barely took an edge off the pain. The pain was coming and going at the rate of 3 minutes on, 3 minutes off. Something like that. When it was off it wasn't gone, just less intense. All day.
By Saturday night I was in a trance. Pain and vicodin, wow, what a mixture. I was in the midst of deep spiritual practice. I cried and screamed a lot, yelling "no", "fuck", "please god make it stop", "it hurts, it hurts, it fucking hurts". Things like that. That was my resistance to the pain. I also tried really being with the pain and experiencing the sensations (duh, no way around that) without resistance and during those times I would be chanting "yes, yes, yes", "oh, oh, oh", "it hurts, it hurts, it hurts", "yes it hurts, it hurts so much". On and on it went.
I was experiencing all these insights about being in the moment as the place where acceptance resides. I was continuously inspired to move out of my attachment for the pain to go away, to stop resisting it and just accept it. It had arrived and didn't seem to be going away anytime soon. It was there and letting itself be known. Living in the moment was a beautiful experience and I got all excited about the next Love Intensive I will be participating in, intending to experience love in the moment. Think about it, a weekend of love, rather than pain. I'm ready. But Jerry was so good to me all weekend. He loved me a lot. I think he was in almost as much pain as I was, just being there for me as I went through it all. Poor baby. He's a good man.
I was also contemplating transformation and translation. This is something I read a bit about on Andrew Cohen's blog and it really struck me. I may have taken his concept and run with it in a bit different direction than he was meaning but I'm not sure, I read so little. But it got me going and my interpretation of what I did read is a huge portion of what my spiritual practice is about this days. He was also talking about living a non-dualistic life. This is where our intentions, our life's purpose match up in our daily life. This is what I'm doing continually. I know what my intentions are and then I witness myself in the moment and fully experience where I am. Oftentimes, rather than integrity, a harmony of sorts between what I intend and where I truly am, I find a discrepancy. What I do with this discrepancy is experience the truth of the moment as fully as possible while moving into a translation process. I start calibrating myself back into balance. Just remembering my intention is powerful. It takes me half the way there. I know that my intention is my true path. It's a sense of belongingness. Beingness. Then I do some work with my mind and the stories it attaches to, and my body is part of the process too. I watch my emotions follow suit.
Jealousy was one of the issues I was translating this weekend along with my pain. I kept bringing myself back to my intention of polyamory. It's a deep practice for me.
Tranformation happens while we move on, living our lives intending to grow, love, understand, and experience the truth. Tranformation is evolving spiritually in the big picture. Translation is the choices we make moment by moment. Working to actually live our intentions. Good translation work brings about tranformation.
One powerful meditation while I was in the midst of all this was when Jerry put on a Herbie Hancock video of him playing music with all these different musicians. It was incredible. Live, spontaneous jazz. At one point Herbie said, "jazz happens in the moment", you can't practice it in advance. This hit me on a very profound level. Jazz as translation. Creation in process.
Sunday was another difficult day. Pain, pain and more pain. I was worn out. The pain would go away for brief moments and I would do a little yoga or dance. I was hungry and hadn't been able to eat much. I was drinking liquid acidolophilous culture and taking lots of goldenseal along with the vicodin. I made dinner and tried to eat. Big mistake. Every nerve in my head set off dancing. I had a network of stabbing, jabbing pain--molar to eye, jaw to temple, jaw to ear, jaw to back of neck. The nerves of my front lower teeth were so sensitive to the air I had the urge to knock them out. Christ. I was writhing on the bathroom floor, screaming and crying. It was so pathetic. Jerry wanted to take me to the emergency room at the hospital. I wanted a shot of morphine to make it all go away but I have no medical insurance so that pretty much settled that.
After my nerves settled down a bit I laid on the bed and Jerry massaged me. I fell asleep and actually slept half the night, on and off until the pain set in again early in the morning and I sat in a bath tub full of hot water. At 7:30 a.m. we were at the dentist again. They took an x-ray of the opposite side of my mouth from what they had x-rayed on Friday (the side with no pain) and they found a tooth that needs a root canal. After that, for some odd reason I felt well enough to go to work, amazing what 4 hours of sleep can do for you! I worked all day and then went to both my women's financial group and my juicy women's group last night. I came home at 9:30 feeling nauseous and exhausted. My whole face hurt--jaw, eyes, everything--but no tooth pain. Jerry massaged me for awhile and I took one of those extra strength Motrin and went to bed. I slept all night! No tooth pain!
I'm on the emergency list for a root canal and also to get a small cavity under an already capped tooth fixed. I have an appointment with the doctor on Friday to see what shape my sinuses are in. I'm still taking the goldenseal as an antibiotic and drinking the acidolphilous but I can eat again too. And no more vicodin. There is a god and she is merciful.
Oh my god. Talk about pain. Big. Lots. Intense. Way bad hurting, up to my limits and way beyond. I was pretty crazed. I didn't sleep Friday or Saturday nights. Not at all. I got the strongest vicodin they prescribe from the immediate care place on Saturday morning and then took double the dosage. It barely took an edge off the pain. The pain was coming and going at the rate of 3 minutes on, 3 minutes off. Something like that. When it was off it wasn't gone, just less intense. All day.
By Saturday night I was in a trance. Pain and vicodin, wow, what a mixture. I was in the midst of deep spiritual practice. I cried and screamed a lot, yelling "no", "fuck", "please god make it stop", "it hurts, it hurts, it fucking hurts". Things like that. That was my resistance to the pain. I also tried really being with the pain and experiencing the sensations (duh, no way around that) without resistance and during those times I would be chanting "yes, yes, yes", "oh, oh, oh", "it hurts, it hurts, it hurts", "yes it hurts, it hurts so much". On and on it went.
I was experiencing all these insights about being in the moment as the place where acceptance resides. I was continuously inspired to move out of my attachment for the pain to go away, to stop resisting it and just accept it. It had arrived and didn't seem to be going away anytime soon. It was there and letting itself be known. Living in the moment was a beautiful experience and I got all excited about the next Love Intensive I will be participating in, intending to experience love in the moment. Think about it, a weekend of love, rather than pain. I'm ready. But Jerry was so good to me all weekend. He loved me a lot. I think he was in almost as much pain as I was, just being there for me as I went through it all. Poor baby. He's a good man.
I was also contemplating transformation and translation. This is something I read a bit about on Andrew Cohen's blog and it really struck me. I may have taken his concept and run with it in a bit different direction than he was meaning but I'm not sure, I read so little. But it got me going and my interpretation of what I did read is a huge portion of what my spiritual practice is about this days. He was also talking about living a non-dualistic life. This is where our intentions, our life's purpose match up in our daily life. This is what I'm doing continually. I know what my intentions are and then I witness myself in the moment and fully experience where I am. Oftentimes, rather than integrity, a harmony of sorts between what I intend and where I truly am, I find a discrepancy. What I do with this discrepancy is experience the truth of the moment as fully as possible while moving into a translation process. I start calibrating myself back into balance. Just remembering my intention is powerful. It takes me half the way there. I know that my intention is my true path. It's a sense of belongingness. Beingness. Then I do some work with my mind and the stories it attaches to, and my body is part of the process too. I watch my emotions follow suit.
Jealousy was one of the issues I was translating this weekend along with my pain. I kept bringing myself back to my intention of polyamory. It's a deep practice for me.
Tranformation happens while we move on, living our lives intending to grow, love, understand, and experience the truth. Tranformation is evolving spiritually in the big picture. Translation is the choices we make moment by moment. Working to actually live our intentions. Good translation work brings about tranformation.
One powerful meditation while I was in the midst of all this was when Jerry put on a Herbie Hancock video of him playing music with all these different musicians. It was incredible. Live, spontaneous jazz. At one point Herbie said, "jazz happens in the moment", you can't practice it in advance. This hit me on a very profound level. Jazz as translation. Creation in process.
Sunday was another difficult day. Pain, pain and more pain. I was worn out. The pain would go away for brief moments and I would do a little yoga or dance. I was hungry and hadn't been able to eat much. I was drinking liquid acidolophilous culture and taking lots of goldenseal along with the vicodin. I made dinner and tried to eat. Big mistake. Every nerve in my head set off dancing. I had a network of stabbing, jabbing pain--molar to eye, jaw to temple, jaw to ear, jaw to back of neck. The nerves of my front lower teeth were so sensitive to the air I had the urge to knock them out. Christ. I was writhing on the bathroom floor, screaming and crying. It was so pathetic. Jerry wanted to take me to the emergency room at the hospital. I wanted a shot of morphine to make it all go away but I have no medical insurance so that pretty much settled that.
After my nerves settled down a bit I laid on the bed and Jerry massaged me. I fell asleep and actually slept half the night, on and off until the pain set in again early in the morning and I sat in a bath tub full of hot water. At 7:30 a.m. we were at the dentist again. They took an x-ray of the opposite side of my mouth from what they had x-rayed on Friday (the side with no pain) and they found a tooth that needs a root canal. After that, for some odd reason I felt well enough to go to work, amazing what 4 hours of sleep can do for you! I worked all day and then went to both my women's financial group and my juicy women's group last night. I came home at 9:30 feeling nauseous and exhausted. My whole face hurt--jaw, eyes, everything--but no tooth pain. Jerry massaged me for awhile and I took one of those extra strength Motrin and went to bed. I slept all night! No tooth pain!
I'm on the emergency list for a root canal and also to get a small cavity under an already capped tooth fixed. I have an appointment with the doctor on Friday to see what shape my sinuses are in. I'm still taking the goldenseal as an antibiotic and drinking the acidolphilous but I can eat again too. And no more vicodin. There is a god and she is merciful.
Friday, January 25, 2008
No Fucking Fun
I've been noticing teeth pain for several months now. It first started with a sensitivity to cold and I started warming the cold morning water that I rinsed my mouth out with after brushing my teeth. Then biting into cold fruit started causing me pain. And not fruit out of the refrigerator, but room temperature apples and pears. Several weeks ago I was in a restaurant with my family and I bit into a piece of lettuce with set it off so badly I had to leave the table and go and sit in the car, crying and deep breathing for awhile before it calmed down. Then I started noticing a sensitivity to hot drinks. I could never pin point the pain to any particular tooth but the pain was always on the right side of my mouth, both top and bottom.
Last night some warm tea set it off on the left side of my mouth and after eating 6 Alleve, brushing with Sensodine and swabbing a whole packet of Oral Gel tooth desensitiser on the root line throughout my mouth, I spent the evening with severe pain shooting up into my temple. I went in to the dentist at 8:00 am this morning for an emergency appointment and he couldn't figure out what was wrong. He swabbed more tooth desensitiser on my teeth and gave me some super strength Motrin that hasn't touched the pain. I've been on the couch all day with a heating pad. The pain subsides for a bit and then comes back in full force. On again, off again, all day. I'm wasted. I've had a break for about 20 minutes now and I can feel it coming back. I'm praying for a miracle. This is no fucking fun. Here's something people in the 1800's use to take for toothaches.
Last night some warm tea set it off on the left side of my mouth and after eating 6 Alleve, brushing with Sensodine and swabbing a whole packet of Oral Gel tooth desensitiser on the root line throughout my mouth, I spent the evening with severe pain shooting up into my temple. I went in to the dentist at 8:00 am this morning for an emergency appointment and he couldn't figure out what was wrong. He swabbed more tooth desensitiser on my teeth and gave me some super strength Motrin that hasn't touched the pain. I've been on the couch all day with a heating pad. The pain subsides for a bit and then comes back in full force. On again, off again, all day. I'm wasted. I've had a break for about 20 minutes now and I can feel it coming back. I'm praying for a miracle. This is no fucking fun. Here's something people in the 1800's use to take for toothaches.
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