Death By Fire

Another dream about my mama.  This time it was fire.  And I was in it with her.  I must haven chosen to burn up with her.  But then I changed my mind.  I left.  Kinda snuck out.  And there was someone else in there besides her and me.  It seems like it was one of my children, maybe my daughter or my granddaughter and eventually she came out also but I can't remember.  It might have been another part of me.  I had decided that I didn't want to die.  But then this other part of me came back and got me.  I was wanting her to go back in.  I could see into the fire room where my mama was dying.  Burning up.  She was crying out to me because she was alone and afraid.  I called back to her and she could hear me.  She was relieved.  I told her "It's okay mama, I'm here."  She asked me to stay with her.  She wanted to come out of the fire too but I told her it was too late.  I knew it wouldn't be good for her to try and stop the process now.  I felt guilty too, like I should still be in there, burning up with her.  It was okay that I changed my mind, wasn't it?  I mean, death is something we can back out of, right?  I decided I wasn't ready to die but I felt like I was backing out on her, like we'd made this pack together and now I'd abandoned her to do it on her own.  My mama was dying.  She was burning up and didn't want to be alone.

I Dreamed My Mama Died

It was almost like an assisted euthanasia.  It was time for her to go.  We were in water, a large pool like area in a creek.  But the water was low and I was allowing it to fill up like in a bath tub or swimming pool until it would take her under and I would let her die.  And I was going to stay with her and hold her hand as she went under the water and drowned.

But all of a sudden the water was deep and had taken her when my back was turned and I wasn't holding her and she was gone.  And the water was rough and murky and I couldn't see under the surface and I was walking around, reaching down in the water with my hands searching for her but not whole heartedly because  I was afraid to find her, floating underwater dead.  But then I stepped down, into another pool of water on a lower level and the water was clear there.  It was like another room in a house and I saw her lying there under the water, convulsing and bleeding in this spot on the gravel floor, almost as if she was lying in front of the hearth in a living room--a sacrifice on the altar of her watery grave.

The sight of her scared me at first, seeing her moving, struggling, still alive with her blood swirling in the water above her head like a spiraling halo.   I turned and slipped back behind a corner so I wouldn't have to witness her death, but then immediately returned and went to her.  I couldn't let her die alone.  I leaned down and took her hand and she flinched  like I had hurt her, being too rough as I tried to crawl between her and the hearth and lie next to her.  It's not so easy, trying to lie on the rocky bottom of a creek, underwater, holding on to someone as they die.

But I managed to situate myself,  and I held her hands and she looked at me.  Our eyes met and I told her "I found you mama, I am here." It's not easy to speak underwater.  I took her head in my hands and kissed her as she died.  My mama died.

I woke up from the dream and gasped as I realized how intense it was.  I told my husband that I dreamed my mother died and that I was with her.  I wondered if she had really died and had come to me, to say goodbye and I sat up to look at the time.  The clock said 2:07.  I wondered if the call from her assisted care home would come soon, when one of her caregivers went in to check on her and found her there in bed, dead.  I hoped not.  I knew the call could still could be coming.  It will come eventually.  Or maybe I will be with her when she dies.  I hope I will be with her.  I pray that I will be with her.  I need to be there for my mama when she dies.

I kept going over the dream, reliving it in my mind, over and over, trying to remember every nuance.  I didn't want to forget a thing. I decided to write it out so I wouldn't forget it.  I opened my computer and saw my youngest son on face book.  Two-thirty in the morning and there he was.  I told him about my dream and he was glad it was only a dream.  Only a dream.  For now.

Daniel Lanois - The Unbreakable Chain

I was listening to this while I worked out in the gym yesterday.  It always pierces me on such an incredibly deep level.  My prayer is to someday break the unbreakable chain.  But prayers don't break the unbreakable chain.  Tears don't break the unbreakable chain. Maybe grace will.

Missing Mama

My mama asked me where her mama was.
I wanted to avoid her question so my phone rang.
I told her I was saved by the bell.
But when I was done she remembered and asked me again.
So I told her that her mama, my grandma, had died many years ago.
My mama got very sad and she cried, tears running down her face.
But I didn't wipe them away and neither did she.
We just sat there together and let them flow, her missing her mama
and me knowing how much I was going to miss mine.
She told me it was good that I told her, because now she knows where her mama is.

Our Visit

I took off my shoes and crawled into your bed fully clothed,
cuddling up close while you slept.
You'd left your door open for me,
knowing I'd arrive as you slumbered.
Late to bed as you often are,
you didn't stir until I curled up next to you, my arm around your belly.
Rousing from dreams you asked if I needed coffee.
I said I needed more sleep and that your bed was comfortable.

We dozed together in the early morning light of your room.
My hand found your cock and I stroked it.  We flirted a little.
The energy rising in my belly, I wanted to feel you inside of me, 
but we made love only after you dressed.
You made me coffee and we walked, and talked,
and you showed me pictures of great places in Turkey and Italy
and we marveled together at the ruins of grand architecture.

And you read to me about enlightenment from your current favorite book.
Two friends enjoying one another's company, we blathered about love
and fear, relationships and sex, freedom and wanting others to think well of us.
Time flew and I had leave earlier than I wanted, earlier than you wanted,
but it was good.  Both the coffee and your love.

Two Lovers

Basking in the afterglow of last night.
I need to make love with you like that.
And afterward, coming home to him.
Waiting for me, knowing where I've been.
Wanting what he always wants from me.
But particularly after I've been with you.
He greets me softly, asserting his need.
Hoping I've the energy to receive him.
I open to a sweetness that bonds us three.

Like A Ton of Bricks

His words hit me like a ton of bricks.
The stark, unyielding truth.
Unencumbered by unreasonable pride.
A sharp slap of critique
Refused to leave me unaware.
Awakened to an embarrassment
I'd rather not know.
It mocks me now.
Heartache that he wanted me to know.
And no place to go for solace.