More Loving Choices

Jerry and I returned from the first Loving More Loving Choices Seminar at the Clarion Hotel in San Francisco this weekend. We attended four mini workshops and were surprised to find three of them both entertaining and informative. I came home with five new books which I will mention as I move along through our weekend adventure here.

The first workshop we attended was called Polyamory as a Path to Peace by Veronica Monet. Veronica is a sex educator and ex-courtesan who offered an interesting presentation on the Bonobos and stimulated conversation among participants in both the practical and political aspects of sex as well as I quick look into several "peaceful" societies. Veronica is sexy, intelligent and friendly, and by far my most favorite eye candy at the seminar. I'm looking forward to reading her book Sex Secrets of Escorts.

The second workshop was called Plays Well With Others by Angela and Iain. I enjoyed their presentation although I somehow arrived home without any of their handouts and I don't even know their last names. They are a long-term Ds couple who are involved in both the poly and BDSM communities. They present all sorts of kinky educational events through EduKink.org (I figure I'll find their last names when I actually go to this site and check it out) and are coordinators of the Society of Janus as well as on the board of SF Citadel (a popular BDSM dungeon/happening play space in San Francisco.) They offered some valuable tips for both beginners in BDSM play and professionals working with BDSM clients. I appreciated their laid back presentation style and expertise on the dynamics of power exchange in Ds relationships.

The third workshop, Non-violent Communication (NVC) and Tantra by Kelly Bryson MFT and Carolena Fleishman was refreshing. Kelly has been a NVC trainer for 20 years, is a psychotherapist in private practice, wrote the best selling book, Don't Be Nice, Be Real, lived as a monk in an asrahm for 12 years, studies at Zegg, and practices polyamory. Carolena Fleishman is the director of Sacred Space Institute, a certified sexological bodyworks and tantric educator, yoga teacher and professional bellydancer who teaches sacred dance in both Marin and New York. This workshop covered an array of topics such as: how compromising relationship needs builds resentment; how it takes a village to raise a nontraditional relationship; and making freedom the center and love the circumference in our relationships--I must admit that I'm confused over this one. Kelly read this as a quote from Osho and I tried to picture it visually in my mind as a diagram with freedom at the center and love as the circumference. Then I put love at the center with freedom as the circumference and I just wasn't getting it. I asked Kelly to explain the difference and he said he saw love as the center with freedom being the circumference as a co-dependant relationship. I'm still totally lost here but I'll continue working on it. I get obsessed over stuff like this. Also, the bit about it taking a village to to raise a nontraditional relationship, the necessity of building community and sacred support for living polyamorously really struck home. I experienced some deeper level insight on some of my pain and the sense of abandonment I've experienced over the loss of a poly relationship in my life. In one of my recent posts, The Love Bubble, I discussed this issue. Most of my friends are monogamous. I do have my juicy women's group and yet most of these women are not part of my social circle. Occasionally I'll attend a party where we'll cross paths (in the midst of other sexually uptight monogamous people) but not as a general rule. I'm a card carrying member of at least a couple of tribes, close knit groups of friends I love and enjoy socializing with but our connections are not sexually inclined. And I'm not talking about people to have sex with. I'm talking about sacred connection for nontraditional relationships. People I play and party with, people I love, extended family who are committed to intimate connection, understanding of self and others, truthfulness and loving more in multiple relationships. Also, people who are open and free with their sexuality. Whether we are actually fucking or not doesn't have much to do with it but that the option is available, that we can freely yay or nay, that's the rub I miss. That's the sacred community, the chosen family, the love bubble that I yearn for.

After a day of workshops there was an evening social and drawing with prizes. I won a book, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, a lesbian BDSM couple. This book is a must read for anyone new to the practice of Polyamory. I already have it on my bookshelf so now I have a copy to give away.

I also purchased The Truthtellers--Stories of Success by Radically Honest People by Brad Blanton PhD, because I appreciate his book Radical Honesty. He wasn't at this seminar doing a mini workshop or I'm sure I'd have some things to say about that!

The fifth book I ended up with is a New York Times bestseller, Running with Scissors, a memoir by Augusten Burroughs. We were visiting the Haight St. shops before driving home and I found it at the Goodwill Store. This book was made into a movie (which I haven't seen but saw some previews) and is a true story of a boy whose mother who gave him away to be raised by her psychiatrist who was a very odd and dysfunctional man who dished out Valium and electroshock for entertainment. I guess there is some controversy from other family members as to whether the author embellished the level of insanity he grew up with for literary purposes.

The last workshop we attended was about relationship agreements and it didn't work for me for a variety of reasons. Although I do understand that agreements are sometimes necessary in relationship (especially relationships in the transitioning stage from monogamy to polyamory), I've found that my tendency has been to move away from agreements in both my personal life and from encouraging them with the couples I work with in my private practice. When an agreement seems valuable with the couples I'm working with, I'm very careful about not having them made, or taken lightly. And always, they must be temporary. I'm finding that higher functioning relationships require less agreements and also that less agreements allow for higher functioning relationships.

I spoke with Kelly Bryson during the social and asked him if he spoke to the issue of intentions versus agreements in his book. He said that he didn't and we had a brief discussion about. He said that Marshall Rosenburg (creator of NVC) said that people are incapable of making agreements. There is of course much more to be said around that statement for clarity purposes. He also referred me to David Deida's work. I haven't read enough of Deida to understand his concepts of first, second, third, and fourth level relationships but I remember reading a bit about the characteristics of the different levels and ascertained that the fourth level relationships were the highest functioning more spiritually based partnerships. Kelly mentioned that agreements are associated with lower functioning relationships in Deida's work. I'm curious to read more of him now as I've been attracted to his theories and concepts in the past but too much of what I read seemed too rigid or dogmatic somehow...or maybe it was that the books of his I tried reading seemed to all say the same thing. Actually I forget why I didn't pursue him more so I'm going to investigate his teachings deeper this time. Kelly also mentioned Susan Campbell's book Getting Real--Ten Truth Skills You Need To Live An Authentic Life, which I plan on reading soon.