Cougar

I'm excited to write this post and can hardly wait until the words start spilling out. It will be called, Maiden, Mother, Cougar, Crone. For now:

Cougar - Leadership, courage, power, swiftness and balance.

Celebrating Life

My shoulders are sore and tired.
I finally washed all the dishes.
Have most of my Christmas presents finished.
My house is messy yet again.
I've been bleeding and bleeding and bleeding.
Started another cycle on day 25,the day before Solstice
when heading into the longest night of the year.
Deep red flowing blood. Lots of it. This is day three.
Happy to see both of my birthday boys today.
Worried about the other two.
Need to visit with my mom tomorrow (today, it's 1:26 am)
and give her a manicure so her nails are clean and pretty for Christmas Eve.
Excited about the way the grandkid's presents are turning out.
Missing my eldest daughter.
Thankful for the one who is around and being sweet.
Pleased to be seeing my brother and his family
and glad they are always willing to make the drive in the dreaded Tully fog.
Wish I would hear from my sister.
Wish I would hear from my eldest son.
Happy to be spending a mellow Christmas day with H.,
and then being invited for Christmas dinner with my sweet ones.
Boxing day brings some party time with Lover Who Is My Lover and his family, friends.
Giving thanks.

Her Giggles

while the two of you were fucking
her giggles made me smile
i was pleased for you
but had lots of energy in my chest
that made it difficult to concentrate
while trying to read my book

unzipped last night

last night
in the garage
your unzipped sweater
with a bit
of your black
long john shirt
just peeking out
from underneath
showed off
your neck
and part of your chest
you are usually
zipped up
so tight
it unzipped me

To Waste A Moment

Maybe my inability to write stems from my need to retreat into knowing nothing. Humility demands respect. Sharing too much of what goes through my mind feeds the ego, as if what I have to say is actually significant. I've been attempting to get out of my mind more and simply live my life.

I've been wanting deeply again. Strong desire. Yearning. Overcome with love-lust. I woke up a week ago in the middle of the night crying. Grasping. But still, for all intents and purposes, I'm fairly content. I've been refusing to stay long in stories that cause me pain.

A friend shared with me that she's going through a difficult time. Recently returned from traveling abroad, she finds herself depressed, realizing that there is a limit to what she will be able to experience in this life. She is grieving the lost of the perceived unlimited possibilities of her youth. She is happy in her life. And yet...

I don't want to squander a minute of my life regretting--to waste a moment hesitating to love.

xox

Wanting to blog. So many feelings and so few words. Love is up big for me. Tenderness. A yearning for compassion. Big acknowledgment of the need for kindness in our relationships. Loving H. and Lover Who Is My Lover. Loving his wife, her boyfriend, and his wife. Loving Lover Who Is Not my Lover and his girlfriend...Ren and D.. Pema and her Loverman...She and He and She, and She and He...She and He and She and He and She and He, and She. She and He.

I'm not joking. These are all love relationships I have on my mind tonight.

Messages to Obama: Escalation in the Afghanistan War

Poly Is Hard

First and foremost, do the right thing. When Silver goes off to Portland with Tom, I kiss her goodbye, and wish them both a good trip, and take care of her cats while she's gone. Sometimes it feels good, and sometimes it doesn't, but I (try to) act like the person I want to be, not the person I feel like at the moment.

Matt wrote this back in 2006 on his Sex With Matt Blog. I read it back then and then happenstanced upon it again today and decided to post it.

Click here to read the whole Poly Is Hard post.

Here's the link to his blog.

Cunning Minx Interview at Poly Living

Check This Out--Pleasure/Pain

Here is a nice little article written by Mistress Mastisse about the euphoria of being on her side of the whip.

Just As Happy

The other night I was talking with Lover Who Is My Lover and his wife about polyamory and she brought up the aspect of ego satisfaction in regards to having multiple lovers. A married friend of hers has a continual string of lovers and she is wondering how much of his falling in love and engaging in sexual escapades is related to boosting his ego. He's not so young anymore but is still in high demand with young beautiful women who are willing to take him for an exciting ride. With most of these women, the ride ends with him moving on and leaving them brokenhearted. She was curious about H. and if this ego boost was part of the appeal in his having multiple lovers. I told her that I thought not and that although H. appreciates our sexually open relationship, he would probably be just as happy being monogamous.

Humm. Why did I say that and is it true I wondered? I started thinking of all the lovers H. has had in his life. He's had a lot to be sure, many more than I have. I was always monogamous in my relationships before we got together. Plus I started thinking about this whole ego satisfaction thing and how people identify as sexual beings and how our lovers help us validate our self worth through their desire for us. Well, this is definitely true for both H. and myself. It's not like either of us go out looking for lovers to validate our worthiness and desirability but once in relationship and in love with another, hell yes, it's big. For instance, H. desires me all the time. Not only does he tell me that regularly and repeatedly, it's the obvious truth of my experience with him for the 16 years we've been together. That has worked well for me, comforting my ego in a very satisfying way. I desire H. sexually of course but not to the extent he desires me. We share a very deep and profound (and hot) sexual relationship, yet my sexual desire for him waxes and wanes. I'm more sexually moody with him than he is with me.

I get to experience the other side of not being constantly sexually desired by Lover Who Is My Lover. In that relationship, I seem to be the one who is pretty much always available and ready for sex and I pretty much consistently hold myself back with him. It's a bit of an ego buster for me but one I'm willing to rise above. In fact, I'm fine and happy just hanging with him, not always needing to take it to a sexual place, BUT it's usually a step back for me, not my first and natural inclination. The sex is nice when it happens and our time together is sweet when it doesn't happen. It's a pretty good deal compared to what I've gone through with Lover Who Is Not My Lover. And it's not that there aren't quite a few men out there willing to validate my sexual self if that's what I was looking for-- ones who are willing to adore me and fuck me at the drop of a hat. But I have no desire for those types of relationships and I shy away from "glommers" who offer me too much attention. I've never been the type of woman who is capable of taking much more advantage than a drink or two at a bar from an admiring man. I've had a few big (fat wallets along with their fat cocks) opportunities too. Some I've later been a little sorry I passed up. But once I've offered my heart to someone, sex and love get all tied up in a convoluted mix. I get attached and have a tender heart.

Where was I? Oh yes, the idea of H. being just as content being monogamous as he is in our sexually open relationship. So I asked him. I asked him what he would do if I told him that I wanted to be monogamous and wanted him to be monogamous too. His answer was that he would think that I had lost my mind because I would never say that to him. "But play along with me here honey" I said. "What if I did ask you that? People change, it's possible. What if I really wanted, for whatever reason, for us both to be sexually monogamous with each other, would you be willing to make that agreement with me?" He said that it was impossible for him to give me an answer, that he would need to experience the heart energy and all that was motivating me to make such a request of him, that it was just too unreal (and surreal) to go there without a lot of contemplation. I understand. Although I know what my answer to him would be if he were to make the same request of me. Been there. Done that. Here we are.

When I made the comment about H. appreciating being in a sexual open relationship, but that he would be just as happy being monogamous, Lover Who Is My Lover said that that's what it is like for him. Well, as I thought about that comment it triggered me a bit. Damn, where's the fucking passion boyfriend? I don't want to be expendable. Extraneous. Superfluous. Was he in essence saying, "Well, it's pretty nice having you around and all but I'd be just as happy if you weren't"? He's said similar things to me too. Once he told me that if he was ever to get into another polyamorous relationship that he'd like to be with someone who lives fairly close, but in another city. He's also told me that I'm like his wife in so many ways that he's thought he might prefer being in a relationship with someone who is totally different than her. For Christ's sake. Hello? What I am anyway, 'Rent a Girlfriend'? Not that you're seriously considering it or anything but you'd kinda like to turn me in and try out a different model?

When I say these things out loud (or type them here in this blog) they sound kinda awful. Way worse than they really are. Actually they aren't bad at all unless I make a story out of them. Essentially, I'm joking even though I'm serious too. I mean, I know these things are both true and not true. It's all a grain of salt in the big picture. I've made it clear to Lover Who Is My Lover that it's important to me that we have a honest and open relationship. I want us both to speak the truth to one another and I've told him that I want to hear his "truths of the moment" whether these truths turn out to be the ultimate truth or not. I consider him my good friend first and foremost and I want him to know that he can speak his mind and share his heart with to me without editing out stuff that might hurt my feelings. I mean, I'd rather have my feelings hurt and hear the naked truth of his thoughts and what's up for him than have him withhold his truth from me. I love him and I appreciate that he trusts me enough to be open and tell me the thoughts that cross his mind. I mean, it's not that I'm of the opinion that what he thinks is strange anyway. For instance, if I'm really like his wife in many ways, I think it's normal that he might sometimes wonder or wish that he had a girlfriend who was totally different. Whatever. I mean, as much as I like him (I do like him a lot along with being in love with him) it's not like I wouldn't appreciate having another boyfriend who possesses qualities that are different than his. But I don't want to replace him, I'd just take ANOTHER boyfriend. But then there is the whole issue of having the time and energy for another boyfriend. Besides, I already have Lover Who Is Not My Lover to deal with!

But I really didn't so much like hearing that he would be just as happy being monogamous. On the one hand I can appreciate this about him and even more so because even with this inclination he is still choosing to be in relationship with me. And I also know that that one line isn't the only line in the story of who he is, what he's about, and what I mean to him. He's made that obvious and he treats me well. If he wasn't a sweet lover I wouldn't be with him. But at that moment, no other lines followed and it served to raise the idea in my mind--that I am possibly irrelevant. Non-essential. Impertinent to him. I know that is not the truth but I'm a flawed human being with a tender heart, along with being a woman in love, and sometimes I take comments personally and out of context.

With all that said, I'm just as happy too.

A Landmark Year

I'm realizing that this has been a landmark year for polyamory in our lives. H and I are celebrating our 16th/13th anniversary in October. Sixteen years since we first dated and fell in love, and thirteen years married. We got engaged one year in. I wanted to behave responsibly for once and I liked calling him my fiance.

We always said we wanted a sexually open relationship but we fell into monogamy by default. We met and fell in love fast and deep. We were extremely busy getting to know one another, bonding, playing, working, raising kids, and having great sex, that we didn't have time for other lovers. But we talked a lot and knew that theoretically at least, we were not sexually exclusive with one another. And as the date of our actual marriage grew closer, we talked more about how we might handle our commitment to being sexually open.

So three years from when we met and fell in love we were married and then fast forward another 3 years to when we threw theory out the window and started practically applying polyamory. That was a little over 10 years ago and we had been together for almost 6 years. Fast forward another 10 years...

Besides a few, fun, loving, sexual encounters with friends here and there along the way, H. and I experienced a 5 year sexually loving relationship with one of my best friends. We were a happy little triad until we weren't. During this same time I fell in love with a young woman, a lesbian, who didn't know what to do with the fact that I had a husband. Our affair was brief and intense and never physically consummated. I had also fallen in-love with Lover Who is Not My Lover and had an on-going, complicated, sexually charged, but basically non physical relationship with him for a little over 4 years. After a long dry spell for both H. and myself, M. came along and she and H. have now been lovers for over a year and a half. I met Lover Who Is My Lover two years ago and we've been dating sexually for a year now come October.

This has been the first year of H.'s and my life together where we've both have had other significant lovers on a regular basis and from both of our perspectives, it's been good for us. It hasn't always been easy. Things aren't perfect--not exactly the way I, or he, would prefer them to be--but to quote myself once again, "We get in relationships, and fall in love with real people, not the made up persona's of our fantasies." I love my boyfriend. He is a good man and a good lover. And his wife is a gem. I love my husband. We've made a sweet life for ourselves. I like who I am, where I am going and what I am doing. I am happy--pretty much--most of the time. And nothing is keeping things from getting better. Lover Who Is Not My Lover is still in my life too and our relationship is sweet and evolving. I feel very blessed to actually be living a polyamorous life. Finally. It's what I've wanted for a very long time. I give thanks.

Women's Sexual Freedom

I've obviously been out of the writing mode. I pushed myself to come into my blog today just to write something. Anything. Okay.

The first thing that comes to mind should be fairly simple to write about--women's sexual freedom. Ha. Simple. Yeah right.

I just watched Deepa Mehta's internationally acclaimed 1996 film, Fire. It made quite the stir in India where fundamentalist Hindu groups attempted to have it banned and did succeed in forcing several movie theatres to close their doors. Mehta received death threats and other actors in the film were also threatened.

Fire is the first in a trilogy of films by Mehta, the other two are Earth and Water. I haven't seen Earth yet but Water was extremely powerful as well and it caused a stir with the right-wingers also.

Fire, places us in the midst of an extended, modern day, urban, Indian family that consists of an elderly invalid mother, her two sons and their wives, all living together under one roof. There is a manservant who also resides in the home who helps with the family's "take out" food business, their video shop, and caring of the mother.

The elder brother, Ashok, is portrayed as a "pious" religious man, devoted to his guru. Because his wife, Radha, is unable to bear him children he has refrained from sex with her for 13 years but forces her to lie next to him while he masturbates. The younger brother, Jutin, secretly rents pornography out of the video store and is devoted to his Chinese lover, to the neglect of his new, young wife, Sita.

The sisters-in-law, strike up a supportive friendship within this unjust and monotonous existence that provides some relief from the obscene and condescending behavior of their respective husbands, a friendship that eventually evolves into sexual love.

The manservant is eventually caught in his nasty little ritual of watching porn and masturbating in front of the bed-ridden mother who is also unable to speak. He is aware of Radha and Sita's love affair and his resentment towards Radha (whose demands that he be forced to leave the house were overruled by her husband) leads him to disclose this information to Ashok. Shamed, Ashok kicks him out of the house and spies on the two women, catching them in bed together. The women decide to leave together and Sita goes first, waiting for Radha, who believes she owes her husband an explanation. Things go poorly between Ashok and Radha and when her sari catches fire in the kitchen he leaves her on her own to be enveloped by the flames.

The religious and cultural significance of this act is immense. Agni (fire) bears witness to the chastity of Hindu women and has been left to decide the fate of women in literal "trials by fire" since time immemorial. In a ritual called Agni Pariksha, women are forced into a fire. If she burns, it proves her guilt. If she emerges unharmed, she is innocence (chaste). This reminds me of the Salem witch trials (although the verdicts are reversed) which forced the accused woman into a lake. If the water refused her and she floated, she was deemed guilty. If she drowned, her death proved her innocence. In Fire, Agni bestows his mercy on Radha, deeming her innocence by releasing her from his flames and she escapes to meet her lover Sita. No wonder this infuriates the homophobic, sexually repressed religious right. Their God has now been portrayed as condoning homosexuality. The realistic portrayal of traditional, yet abusive relationships such as these that Radha and Sita were suffering from are considered more acceptable than the unconventional love and reprieve they found in each other's arms and hearts. In the end, even though Radha emerges from the flames unscathed, the viewer is left to wonder what will become of these two women left on their own in this culture. Their path won't be easy.

Is the path ever easy for a woman's sexual freedom? Even in this culture from which I have emerged? American culture is also sexually repressed and women have been raised to cow tow to the unenlightened needs of their men. Not that women's perceived needs are anymore enlightened. I view traditional, unquestioned, monogamous relationships as a symptom of this malady.

A friend recently mentioned that she thinks I don't respect monogamous relationships. I admitted that generally speaking, no I don't. That doesn't mean that I don't respect a person's choice to be monogamous. I've written before about many "valid" reasons as to why a person may choice monogamy. And I myself am certainly not the one to decide what reasons may or may not be valid--except for myself of course.

My friend also mentioned that she didn't think that monogamy and sexual freedom were necessarily mutually exclusive. I agree. But there is one particular situation that strikes me as clearly not a choice that leads to a woman's sexual freedom. Although there may be many "valid" reasons as to why a woman (or man) may choose monogamy, the threat of her partner ending their relationship if she chooses to have sex with another, is not a "valid" reason--in regards to sexual freedom. Of course she has every right to make this choice and I can most certainly respect that choice. What I am unable to support or respect is the notion that this choice is not a surrender of her sexual freedom. It is a choice that supports his fear of her sexual freedom, along with her fear of losing him. I'm just calling a spade a spade, not judging the rightness or wrongness of this choice.

Perla Batalla sings Suzanne live in Spain

Saw her sing this today at Chico World Music Festival. Beautiful!

Dan Savage on Menstruation and Vaginas

More On The One-Penis-Policy

Mistress Matisse has, it seems, received a lot of fallout from her One Penis Policy, column in Seattle's Stranger, that I linked too a few days ago.

It's just that I resonate with so much of what she has to say about relationships in general and polyamorous relationships specifically. Here's a quote from her new post today regarding this fallout:

"...Frankly, I think that type of attitude should not be dignified with the name polyamory.

If the original piece pissed you off, what I’m going to say now will really inflame you: Just because two people are engaged in a certain system of behavior does not make it “all right, because it’s their choice.” There actually is such a thing as a bad personal choice.

So yes, I do think there are better ways and worse ways to run a relationship. Outside of consensual D/s, I think it’s inherently better to have as few “rules” as possible for other adult human beings that one is having an equal partnership with. I think that’s being controlling – not in the sexy way – and I think it negatively impacts both people involved.

I think if there’s an obvious inequity in the relationship, it should at the very least be openly discussed, and it should be a goal for both people to bring about a change to that.

And I think the basis for the One Penis Policy is basically insecurity and sexism.

Now, feeling of insecurity and sexism are both pretty common (to both men and women), and neither of those things makes someone a Bad Person. But they are traits that can be changed, and being less insecure and less sexist will make someone a better person.

Still Juicy

Back from Juicy Women.

Molly likes to stretch out on her yoga ball. She loves the way it opens her yoni. The other day while she was stretching her husband came over and started eating her pussy as she rocked back and forth. They enjoyed this for a good long time and then just as they started fucking a friend showed up at their front door--which they had left open, seeing that they hadn't planned on having sex and weren't expecting any visitors! Molly was mostly out of view although her husband was not after he dropped down, allowing his shirt to cover his genitals. He smiled and said hello to the friend as she returned his greeting and explained she was just picking something up and was quickly on her way.

Lena has been feeling intense sadness, isolation and loneliness. As she told us her story we witnessed her pain and held her in our hearts. By the time group was over she felt much more connected and happy.

Rosemary is on a pretty even keel. She's happy and content with her husband...mostly. She's happy and content with her lover...mostly. She'd like more contact with her lover. More time to relax into their relationship and more time to relax into sex. When they finally do spend time together she is just starting to open up to herself about the same time they are saying good-bye. This makes her edgy and this edginess spills over and interferes with her sexual availability with her husband.

Randi is back, once again with her married lover. They keep breaking up and getting back together, breaking up and getting back together...They are totally in-love and caught up in New Relationship Energy. They are having sex just about everyday and she is having the most incredible orgasms of her life. They want to be together but he doesn't want to deal with the pain of breaking up his 30+ year marriage and all the social consequences he will suffer. Randi is willing to have a polyamorous relationship with him but he can't imagine that. This leaves them sneaking around and cheating.

Pema is still with her guy. Loving him. Confused about where it is all going. Not having her needs met sexually as she is still choosing to be monogamous with him although they are living many hours apart and hardly ever see each other...not that he meets her needs sexually when they are together. She's tired of putting energy out for others, drained, needing to be rejuvenated, loved, filled.

Ana is still in love with her long distance guy and slowly letting him go. He isn't ready to commit to the intensity of their love affair, plus he has an intense sexual issue that he has no clue how to deal with and the timing is simply not good for them to be connecting on a frequent and intimate basis. She is sad over this but is enjoying her life full on. She has another lover who is in a committed relationship with a woman who won't have sex with him so he and Ana are taking their sexual pleasure with each other. She says he is a really nice man who has an awesome cock and beautiful body but that she still needs to teach him a few things about pleasing her.

Condoms That Generate Desire - The Greatest Condom Ad Ever by Durex

A Love Story

I remember Pema always saying that men are much simpler than women are when it comes to love, that their needs in love relationships are less complicated than a woman's needs.

When it comes to love, I am a complicated woman. To be sure. I yearn to be claimed, possessed by the men I love. If I love a man who is reluctant to claim me, who is not overcome with passion to possess me and who does not act on this passion, I suffer endlessly. My heart breaks. I become distraught with dissatisfaction.

But be sure, if a man in his self-righteous sense of importance, perceives my time and attention as anything less than a gift, my availability as something that is in anyway owed him, or somehow his right--if he suggests a possessive claim on me, my desire for him diminishes. My passion fails. I balk at his arrogance and lose interest.

And jealousy? Well, a little jealously can be a good thing as it suggests attachment to the love bond, an acknowledgment of the significance of the relationship. But beware, feeling a little (or even a lot) of jealousy momentarily is one thing, while acting on it in some obvious and overt way is extremely unattractive and off-putting.

All this a fine line for a man to walk. A very fine line. I understand. Like I said, I am a complicated woman.

And then again, it's just a story. A good story. A true story. But nevertheless, just a story. Not to make light of it. No, not at all.

One Penis Policy

Mistress Matisse writes about One Penis Policy in Seattle's, The Stranger, Control Tower.

The Contrast of Here and There

This morning I woke feeling jealous of how some people have really managed to pull it off--jumping into their whole polyamorous, extended family, busy, adventurous, love filled, complicated lives, with peace and grace.

Breathing and practicing appreciating the glory of what I have created myself. Damn, sometimes it's difficult not going to the grass is always greener place.

Looking for some inspiration today in handling the contrast of where I am and where I want to be.

Dan Savage on Masturbation

I Know The Way You Can Get

I Know The Way You Can Get

From: 'I Heard God Laughing - Renderings of Hafiz'

I know the way you can get
When you have not had a drink of Love:

Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
And call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness
That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one's self.

O I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:

You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.

You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.

I know the way you can get
If you have not had a drink from Love's
Hands.

That is why all the Great Ones speak of
The vital need
To keep remembering God,
So you will come to know and see Him
As being so Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help.

That is why Hafiz says:
Bring your cup near me.
For all I care about
Is quenching your thirst for freedom!

All a Sane man can ever care about
Is giving Love!

Margaret Cho - Eat Me Out - Atlanta, GA - June 7, 2008

It Takes A Village

"The secret to a happy marriage is that you have to fuck a lot of other people. It takes a village."

Margaret Cho: Beautiful

Talking Equality

Wet and Juicy

Met with my juicy women last night.

Lena is still healing her heart over her young boy toy lover who turned out to be more trouble than he was worth (plus he cost her a lot of money.) He was extremely high maintenance, drank too much and didn't fuck her enough. She has also sent her potential internet lover down the highway after he moved across the country due to his on-line infatuation with her that didn't pan out to her liking. He was totally gaga over her, had money he was willing to spend on pleasing her, but reminded her too much of her "suffocating" mother. She is now heading off on a little vacation to be with one of her lovers and his wife for week and then is off to another city to visit with another lover.

Molly is feeling pretty settled down with her husband once again. Things have calmed down for them a lot. She continues to support him financially while he carries out his househusband duties. She swims in the pool after a long day at work while he serves her wine and cooks her dinner. They've been enjoying their sex life again.

Pema says she is actually feeling mostly good and balanced in regards to her relationship with her lover who is back living with his wife for the time being due to financial necessity. At the same time, talking about her situation brought on tears. She's reached her limit on giving (with her adult children as well as her lover) and is needing to be on the receiving end for awhile. While she is still unsatisfied with the dynamics of their sex life, she has established some new personal boundaries within their relationship to take better care of herself. Plus, she is back to whoring again so she has some income that is making it much easier to cope with her life as it now stands.

Randi is back with her married lover. They broke up and had spent 3 weeks apart when the universe threw them back into each others arms. He missed her dreadfully. She was miserable without him. They are seeing each other everyday and fucking like bunnies. She is having the the most incredible orgasms that she's ever experienced in her life. He had originally planned on leaving his wife (who he hasn't had sex with in over 20 years) fairly quickly but when it came right down to it, the fear of dealing with his social network and the supposed reaction of his grown daughter got him very confused and procastinating. Randi is putting thoughts of all this on hold for awhile and is choosing to simply focus on her love for him and the great orgasms she is having.

Rosemary's adventures continue with her husband and her lover although there has been some fall out with her lover from her sharing some of her truth and emotional turmoil. He in turn shared his own emotional turmoil about some things that weren't working for him and they have been trying to sort it out. They are still seeing each other but at his suggestion, not as often. The love is there but some of their wants and needs aren't currently matching up in the way she would prefer. Time will tell how their relationship will evolve. Rosemary feels pretty accepting and willing to find a way that works best for both of them.

Ana is grieving the supposed loss a man she connected with on such a deep level that she had opened to the possibility of combining her life with his and living monogamously. Needless to say, that didn't pan out and the difficulties of their union seem to be insurmountable. With her traveling a lot and him tied up with business and traveling out of the country, he hadn't contacted her for a couple of weeks. She sent him a "pathetic" text. He called her. He loves her. She loves him. It's just not gonna work. In the meantime she had a date with a professional athletic. They had an awesome time but he had the smallest cock she's ever fucked and she realized that size definitely matters to her. Also, Randi hooked her up with a new fuck buddy, a married man with a great body and beautiful cock whose wife hasn't had sex with him in 2 years. She's been enjoying this experience and is looking forward to more.

Is-ness

Last night I went to bed contemplating Is-ness. Thank you Pema for inspiring this. My contemplation continues this morning--the is-ness of my life in general and the is-ness of my intimate relationship dynamics in particular.

I live with the intention of being aware. I strive to be conscious of the stories my ego is telling me--stories about my relationships that create emotions that I must deal with on a daily basis. A good part of my days focus on, and circle around, my connection with others--family, friends, lovers, clients... And then there is my relationship with self and the intricate connection between how my relationship with self affects my relationship with others and vice versa, how my connection with others affects my sense of self. My relationship with others serves as a mirror as I gaze into it to see what's going on inside myself.

So I have all these stories about my relationships, about others, about myself, and I'm constantly letting go of the stories and attempting to just be with what actually is. Being with the is-ness, the actual day to day reality of these relationships, others, self. So I assertain what is real and then make choices to deal with this reality to the best of my ability. Being with the is-ness and not attaching a story to it is quite challenging because there are many layers to the stories and they are quite insidious. It's kinda like not throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Is-ness lies behind the stories. I can make all sorts of feel good/feel bad meaning from my stories. There are so many different perspectives to buy into and I'm quite good at that. In my open-mindedness I sometimes try on all the different perspectives (stories) and find something worthwhile in each and every one of them. But what lies behind the stories, the actuality of what is, is what I'm attempting to zone in on and then base my choices from this place.

So what is for me right now? I'm noticing that many of my choices in life are interconnected to the choices of others. I'm looking at another's choices and pondering how their choices affect me. These choices may work well for me, or not, but seeing that they are another's choices there isn't much, if anything, I can do about that. What I'm left with is being with what is. Being with the is-ness of another's choices and dealing with the consequences in the best way possible to create my own happiness. Sometimes this process is like making lemonade from lemons. Sorry for the cliche but ¿dónde está el azúcar?!!! Whether it's another person and the way their choices affect me, or just life circumstances in general, what else is there to be done?

Recently I told my truth. I told it without blame, and even though I was upset and wanted things to be different, I made no request to effect that. My motive was simply the intimacy of sharing my truth and exposing my vulnerability to another. I just spilled out my truth of the moment (which isn't necessarily the absolute truth but rather the truth of my thoughts and feelings at that moment in time.) While I am a big advocate of the truth, I realize that speaking it doesn't always get us what we want. That's not what speaking the truth is about anyway. It has other advantages which often do lead to getting what we want in the ultimate, if not immediate sense. This time around, speaking my truth served to get me less of what I wanted rather than more. My intention with speaking my truth, as is always my intention, was to create more intimacy and understanding in my relationship with another. Did it work? I don't know. The jury is still out. I hope so. I wouldn't say that I'm experiencing more intimacy just yet but I do think there is more understanding. And my past experience in life and truth telling is that intimacy grows from understanding. I'm hoping that another's response to my truth has put their actions into more alignment with their own truth. We will see how things evolve from here. In the meantime I will deal with the is-ness of it all.

Sometimes people don't respond "well" (in the way we would like them to) to our truth. The consequences of truthtelling are not always the results we would hope for. One of the things I'm noticing is that perhaps I've fallen as a bit of a victim to a common phenomenom in the truthtelling of intimate relationships--which is wanting the other person to tell the truth, but only if the truth is something I want to hear! The thing is, truthtelling often opens the flood gates so we better be ready to get wet. I wasn't really ready for the response I received to my truth and I didn't want it. I lost my equlibrium a bit for sure. I think I have it back again now. The truth, be one the giver or the receiver of it, often brings up much trepidation and fear, especially when we are dealing with heart stuff. Others don't always take care of our heart in the way we need our heart to be cared for and in the preoccupation of figuring out how to best care for our own hearts, we sometimes neglect another's.

This Rumi poem comes to mind:

There is field beyond right and wrong, I'll meet you there.

All the stories, besides being quite entertaining, are often for the purpose of making someone, or something, right or wrong. I'm not much into playing the blame game so I practice letting so of my stories and playing beyond judgment in my relationships (I don't always succeed)--meeting the other in this field of is-ness. But the is-ness must be dealt with! This keeps me from living in denial, losing myself, and dishonoring my experience. Forget the story. Forget the meaning I make of the story. But don't ignore what is! Another's actions (choices) are simply that. Right/wrong, mean-spirited/kind-hearted, sensitive/insensitive, mindful/clueless, doesn't really matter so much when you get right down to it. This stuff simply is and what I do with it, how I be with it, the choices I make in the face of this is-ness is what matters.

One thing I will do is to keep speaking my truth because utimately, even though I know (fear) that revelation of my truth may be the catalyst that takes all I perceive I want away from me, I know that ultimately what leaves me, wasn't mine to begin with. And I'm not going to withhold the truth to protect an illusion.

Episode #15 (new episodes twice monthly)

Birthday Lovers

Some current pictures surrounding my 55th birthday celebration--

My 54th year was interesting to say the least.
I've moved into my 55th with lots of love and acknowledgment from my friends. Also with some emotional trepidation. This is the year of the Lovers--#6 for me. A friend offered me this reading:

Starting with a poem by Anais Nin

The value of the personal relationship to all things is that it creates intimacy and intimacy creates understanding and understanding creates love.

Yes, understanding is what I'm going for. Understanding of self. Understanding of another.

The Tarot Lovers is about the Art and Craft of relationship. I just set up my arts and crafts room...hummm.

The Lovers journey is about the journey of the twins. This represents whoever I'm in relationship with and what those relationships require:

A child like innocence. Now that's sometimes hard to come by. I feel a bit tainted and cynical--but not totally. Just somewhat glib now and again as I move throughout my days.

Curiosity and playfulness. Yes, I have that--sometimes. I'm also tired. Tired of the struggle. Wanting things to be easier.
Loyalty and commitment. This I have and it seems very natural and easy for me. Once I love you, I love you. I don't tend to give up on relationships.

The gift of spaciousness--the allowing of space for contemplation, introspection, and the need for being alone.

The lover's need for not being limited, restricted, barred or restrained in their relationship. This feels like a huge challenge for me. Very BIG.

Another quote from the I Ching--Book of Changes:

But when two people are one in their inmost hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron or bronze; and when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts, their words are sweet and strong like the fragrance of orchids.

The Lovers represents two kinds of love. Love as passion and love as compassion. This archetype reminds us that whatever type of love relationship we enter into, sincerity is the only proper basis for forming relationships of any kind.

The lovers is the most peopled card in the entire Tarot. This year is about establishing relationships and perceiving what's working and what's not working. It's about using my people skills and choice making. This is a powerful period for making choices about improtant relationships in my life, especially those I would like to deepen and expand. My desire to not be barred or limited in my relationships is strong. This is related to family and friends as well as lovers.


Pictures:

1. My solstice freedom ritual which was the start of my birthday celebration.
2. A Rumi poem--Fish don't hold the sacred liquid in cups! They swim the huge fluid freedom. I'm swimming.
3. My new haircut
4. My hair burning in fire sacrifice.
5. Sunflowers growing in my friend's garden.
6. More Sunflowers.
7. I've been enjoying lots of margaritas. This was dinner the night we saw the Neville brothers in Tahoe.
8. A wish.
9. Charles Neville. I love a man playing the sax. It is so fucking sexy. And Charles always gives me lots of eye contact at their shows. Such a treat.
10. Aaron Neville singing his heart out.
11. Papa Funk--Art Neville.
12. Concow Lake.
13. One of my grand babies asking lots of questions about angels.
14. I am not a well behaved woman by society's standards. Thank God.
15. Lake Alamanor.
16. The steps I must take to be a lover?
17. July 6th birthday rose.
18. July 6th Feather River
19. July 6th on my friend's property.
20. July 6th...my friend's property.
21. My birthday prayer--Keep me wild lord, keep me wild.
22. My birthday skirts. High Sierra Music Festival.
23. Beauty. Prayer flags. Always prayer.
24. Grace Heart.

Passionate Kisses!!!

Is it too much to ask?
I want a comfortable bed that won't hurt my back
Food to fill me up
And warm clothes and all that stuff

Shouldn't I have this,
Shouldn't I have this?
Shouldn't I have all of this, and

Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa ohh oh
Passionate kisses from
you

Is it much to demand
I want a full house and a rock and roll band
Pens that won't run out of ink
And cool quiet and time to think

Shouldn't I have this,
Shouldn't I have this?
Shouldn't I have all of this, and
Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa ohh oh
Passionate kisses from
you

Do I want too much?
Am I going overboard to want that touch?
I shouted out to the night:
"Give me what I deserve, 'cause it's my right"

Shouldn't I have this,
Shouldn't I have this?
Shouldn't I have all of this, and
Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa ohh oh
Passionate kisses from you

Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa ohh oh
Passionate kisses from
you

Drunk More With Love Than With Wine

From the last chapter of Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

The intrusion was startling. Hot and slippery as our skins were, we drifted over each other with barely a sensation of touching or pressure, but his presence within me was solid and intimate, a fixed point in a watery world, like an umbilical cord in the random driftings of the womb. I made a brief sound of surprise at the small inrush of hot water that accompanied his entrance, then settled firmly onto my fixed point of reference with a little sigh of pleasure...

"Not yet. We've time. And I mean to hear ye groan like that again. And to moan and sob, even though you dinna wish to, for ye canna help it. I mean to make you sigh as though your heart would break, and scream with the wanting, and at last to cry out in my arms, and I shall know that I've served ye well."...

The rush began between my thighs, shooting like a dart into the depths of my belly, loosening my joints so that my hands slipped limp and helpless off his shoulders. My back arched and the slippery, firm roundness of my breasts pressed flat against his chest. I shuddered in hot darkness, Jamie's steadying hands all that kept me from drowning...

"No," I said. "Jamie, no. I can' bear it like that again." The blood was still pounding in my fingertips and his movement within me was an exquisite torture.
"You can, for I love ye." His voice was half-muffled in my soaking hair. "And you will, for I want ye. But this time, I go wi' you."
He held my hips firm against him, carryng me beyond myself with the force of an undertow. I crashed formless against him, like breakers on a rock, and he met me with the brutal force of granite, my anchor in the pounding chaos.
Boneless and liquid as the water around us, contained only by the frame of his hands, I cried out, the soft, bubbling half-chocked cry of a sailor sucked beneath the waves. And heard his own cry, helpless in return, and knew I had served him well...

...giggling helplessly, drunk more with love than with wine, we made our way side by side, on hands and knees up the second flight of steps, hindering each other more than helping, jostling and caroming softly off each other in the narrow space, until we collapsed at last in each other's arms on the second landing.

Being Here

I woke up so sad this morning. My heart hurts. I'm depressed. Didn't want to get out of bed so I just pulled the cover up over my head and cried. There is nothing for me to do. It's not about doing. It's just about being. Being here with these feelings.

Matisse and Monk

Mistress Matisse has a link to a new podcast up today. She and Monk talk about Polyamory, BDSM, and the "not-so-good idea of comparing your partners." They also talk a little about Monks wife, Tambo.

Making Love

How she likes to make love.
A piece by Mistress Matisse.

Two Partners

Mistress Matisse has a post on polyamory today which doesn't get very specific and how to find her archived posts. She mentions her two partners, how long she's been with each of them (5 and 10 years) and how she doesn't use the terms primary and secondary much anymore.

michael jackson billy jean

This was always my favorite Michael Jackson.

Flow Charts and Planning Calendars

You know, one of the challenges of polyamory is not jealousy or health issues...

Mistress Matisse posted a blog about flow charts yesterday.

Keeping everyone on the same page is a BIG issue in polyamorous relationships. Plus, there may be unlimited love to go around but time is finite. Organization helps everyone make better choices about where they want to be and with whom, at any particular time. Routine and structure (with spontaneity and flexibility encouraged to suit people's individual styles) helps poly relationships flow smoother. Planning calenders seem to be mandatory and everyone setting aside the time to get together and schedule in commitments and dates (whom will be with whom, where and when) is essential. Everyone needs their fair share of time and attention from their lover and also, down time to be alone and/or with other friends, family, and other life callings.

This post about flow charts is where it all starts. It's about getting important information out to all the significant players. If this, that, and the other thing, needs to happen, or is already happening, everyone needs as much advance notice as possible. It can be difficult to remember who told what to whom and who's wanting what when. Flow charts serve to keep us all on the same page. Once the flow chart is in place and everyone is filling in the pertinent information, it's time for the planning calendar to come out.

Do I keep a flow chart? No way. Do I have a planning calendar, yes indeed. Could my system be improved for efficiency? Most certainly.

The Neville Brothers - Amazing Grace / One Love

Let's get together and feel alright!

Neville Brothers - Tell it like it is

Aaron Neville sings with Greg Allman and Bonnie Raitt!

Not Rocket Science

As my friend Pema recently said:

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that being in relationship with you is all about going deep. The soul knows what it's getting itself into.

That said, I'm not an incredibly high maintenance person that makes unreasonable demands on my partners. I mean, going deep just comes with the territory of truth, love, sex, and freedom--yes?

I really don't like discovering that I'm the only one who actually jumped in and now I'm left swimming back to shore alone.

Well as long as I'm out here in the middle of the ocean I might as well dive down deep. I've donned my mermaid tail for strength and I'm curious to see what treasures I may find.

Plus, just to make sure my intention is clear. I am more than willing to jump off into deep uncharted waters--I'll do just about anything for the adventure of love and enlightenment. And I'll brave the storms that come along too. But let it be known that I want a good part of my adventures to be relaxing on the warm sandy beach of a calm ocean.

Runners Make Me Want To Run

Runners make me want to run. And I don't mean joggers. Runners meet my abandonment wounds head on and trigger my own shut down response.

I was going to write more and link again to Gillette's post on Runners but when I went to her site she had a new post today called Leonian Grasp and Flow with Runners directly underneath. I think I'll just leave it at that.

Passport To Freedom

I was planning on going to a summer solstice party that my friends have every year in Butte Creek Canyon but Pema came by to visit and then we went to see D. and B. and they ended up feeding us dinner and we drank wine outside watching the incredible cloud formations in the pre-dusk sky.

Pema and I came home, Jerry showed up, and the three of us watched a film called The Boy In The Striped Pajamas, about a young boy in Nazi Germany. Intense.

Pema left, Jerry went to bed and I started gathering things for the completion of my Solstice-Freedom ritual. I had saved my hair that I just cut off with the intention of burning it. I didn't have a specific plan for my ritual, besides something simple, but it got more and more elaborate as I started collecting stuff and carrying it outside. I ended up dressing in ritual garb and making up a nice comfy bed to sleep outside.

I didn't want to get too much into my head. My body was pulsating and the energy was flowing nicely. I lit some various candles and burned lots of incense. I anointed myself with amber/rose oil and drank cognac. I listened to some music--Bonnie Raitt singing I Will Not Be Broken was really speaking to me. I brought out my passport, a book of Rumi poetry, and the novel I'm currently reading called Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon.

Bonnie Raitt-I Will Not Be Broken:

That was then this is now
Found my way back here somehow
I knew you'd have to let me go
I told you once I told you so

Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I will not be...

Someone other than who I am
I will fight to make my stand
Cause what is livin' if I can't live free
What is freedom if I can't be me

Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken

I won't let you near it
I will let my spirit fly
Fly
High
Oh take me down

Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But we both know I'm not going

I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I will not be... no no baby
ooh...

From the Outlander:

Nor was the physical the only dimension where the two men varied. There was nearly fifteen years' difference in their ages, for one thing, which likely accounted for some of the difference between Frank's urbane reserve and Jamie's frank openness. As a lover, Frank was polished, sophisticated, considerate, and skilled. Lacking experience or the pretense of it, Jamie simply gave me all of himself, without reservation. And the depth of my response to that unsettled me completely.

The Essential Rumi--Coleman Barks

What is this giving up? A peace that saves us.

In your light I learn how to love.
In your beauty, how to make poems
You dance inside my chest,
where no one see you,
but sometimes I do,
and that sight becomes this art.

I intended, felt my passion, let go, prayed, read, slept, dreamed. In the morning a light rain fell on me.

P!nk - Sober

Bonnie Raitt - I Will Not Be Broken (live)

Sing it Bonnie.

Are You A Runner?

Gillette has a nice post on Runners today. She writes about three basis communication patterns that people use in their relationships.

1) There are those who do not want to address strong emotions. They withdraw, walk away, leave the person with strong emotions alone. I have decided to fondly call them The Runners. No insult implied. Simply is what it is.

2) There are those who address strong emotional issues straight on in the moment. Often, since buttons are in the height of tweak, communication and working with the challenges can get...intense.

3) There are those who address strong emotional issues straight on but after they've had some time to process theirs first to find out what's going on at a deeper level for them. When they figure themselves out, they are able to come to the discussion with information that is useful for all concerned.

I've never been much of a runner. I've spent a good portion of my life in the #2 pattern of communication. The older and wiser me tends to operate mostly in the #3 pattern but I think the #2 mode is still an okay place to communicate from. When I am able to remain honest, raw and real in this mode it can be a powerful place to communicate from. Witnessing my mind grasp on to ego stories and acknowledging that this is going on the moment can serve to connect me with my partner on a very basic wounded human level. This is a piece of who I am. Honestly speaking my fears and the truth of the moment is a powerful dynamic of intimate relationships. And although I actually prefer to communicate in the #3 mode, sometimes while moving from the #2 opportunity I devolve in #1 running mode. Not good.

My Freedom Ritual

Let Freedom Ring.

Today I'm celebrating my freedom. That is nothing new or unusual in and of itself as I have a fairly intent focus on living authentically free most days. But I've been feeling a bit trapped lately, unable to break free of the chains that bind me, and when that happens I know just the ritual to free my spirit. I've performed this ritual several times in the past. It used to happen about every 10 years or so but it's only been 3 1/2 years since the last one.

So my energy has been a bit stuck and I've been feeling the calling. When my emotions get all kinked up in my body, it keeps the love from flowing freely. When this happens I know it's time to get serious about letting go of what I think I want and move into wanting and rejoicing in what is, whatever it is. It's about trusting the universe. Trusting myself. Trusting others. Trusting love.

My intention:

Letting go so love can flow.
Releasing old stagnant energy.
Cutting out ego stories.
Freeing myself energetically from everything that isn't true.
Setting down my burdens. Why carry all this extra weight?
Being bold.
Exposing myself...Go ahead, bite me in the neck...Hard...Leave your mark on me...Make me bleed...Bruise me. Hurt me if you must... I can take it... I like it even... To a point...It's sexy when you're strong like that... I know when to stop you if you don't know when to stop yourself.
Admitting my desire for tenderness.
Letting go of distrust.
Releasing into trust.
Owning the power of my femininity.
Having the strength to be vulnerable.
Untangling myself from the lies.
Willingness to tell the truth.
Down sizing.
What am I hiding from with all this stuff (hair)?
Making things simpler.
Taking it in stride.
Going with the flow.
Planting a seed.
Allowing.
Reveling in my nakedness.
Revealing.
Choosing.
Graciously receiving the choices of another.
Claiming my independence while acknowledging and fully embracing my interdependence.
Opening to the love that springs forth from freedom.

The Slippery Cleft

Oh fuck. Finally. I've been waiting for this.

In answer, I put my hands behind his neck and pulled him down on top of me. I guided him to the slippery cleft between my legs. "Holy God," said James Fraser, who never took the name of his Lord in vain. "Don't stop now," I said.
--From the Outlander.

Yeah, what are you thinking? Don't stop now.

The Human Journey To Love

I've been contemplating my emotions again and here's what I've learned so far:

Emotions are a whirling, spiraling, energy that course through my body. Feeling my emotions and allowing them to freely run their course, without judgment is one of the greatest and most difficult of lessons that I have been learning in this life. It's a master level course.

Emotions are at the core of what being human is all about. Attraction between two souls ride on our emotions and allow us to create relationships and bond with each other. Emotions are the creative force of the universe. Desire travels on emotion, moving energy from the ethereal mind through the physical body to create in the material world.

Felt emotions evolve us, heal us, teach us to love. Love is the greatest of all emotions but we cannot experience the flow of love without the flow of the other emotions also. That's the basis of what being human is all about--feeling our emotions and integrating our animal nature with our divine nature.

Love and fear are the emotions that sit at each end of the human spectrum. We vacillate back and forth between these two extreme experiences. Stuck emotions (emotions we don't allow ourselves to fully feel/experience) devolve us, poison us, and send us to the fear filled end. Each and every emotion that arises within us must be allowed and fully embraced (not tightly held on to, but not ignored or pushed aside) as it holds within it the potential for our healing, the fulfillment of our greatness, which is ultimately, to reside in, and create from, a space of love.

Emotions are spiraling vortexes--this is actually what a chakra (energy center in the body) is. Spiraling waves of energy located in different areas of the body. We must focus our intention, and continually practice allowing this energy to move freely through us, to consciously and purposely feel it. As we open to these spiraling vortexes of energy and allow our emotions to run clear, our minds clear and we open to the miracle of our vast human potential. We open to the power and pure joy of love.

It's not an easy process, a road less traveled by many, but a journey that must, eventually be taken by all.