Just As Happy

The other night I was talking with Lover Who Is My Lover and his wife about polyamory and she brought up the aspect of ego satisfaction in regards to having multiple lovers. A married friend of hers has a continual string of lovers and she is wondering how much of his falling in love and engaging in sexual escapades is related to boosting his ego. He's not so young anymore but is still in high demand with young beautiful women who are willing to take him for an exciting ride. With most of these women, the ride ends with him moving on and leaving them brokenhearted. She was curious about H. and if this ego boost was part of the appeal in his having multiple lovers. I told her that I thought not and that although H. appreciates our sexually open relationship, he would probably be just as happy being monogamous.

Humm. Why did I say that and is it true I wondered? I started thinking of all the lovers H. has had in his life. He's had a lot to be sure, many more than I have. I was always monogamous in my relationships before we got together. Plus I started thinking about this whole ego satisfaction thing and how people identify as sexual beings and how our lovers help us validate our self worth through their desire for us. Well, this is definitely true for both H. and myself. It's not like either of us go out looking for lovers to validate our worthiness and desirability but once in relationship and in love with another, hell yes, it's big. For instance, H. desires me all the time. Not only does he tell me that regularly and repeatedly, it's the obvious truth of my experience with him for the 16 years we've been together. That has worked well for me, comforting my ego in a very satisfying way. I desire H. sexually of course but not to the extent he desires me. We share a very deep and profound (and hot) sexual relationship, yet my sexual desire for him waxes and wanes. I'm more sexually moody with him than he is with me.

I get to experience the other side of not being constantly sexually desired by Lover Who Is My Lover. In that relationship, I seem to be the one who is pretty much always available and ready for sex and I pretty much consistently hold myself back with him. It's a bit of an ego buster for me but one I'm willing to rise above. In fact, I'm fine and happy just hanging with him, not always needing to take it to a sexual place, BUT it's usually a step back for me, not my first and natural inclination. The sex is nice when it happens and our time together is sweet when it doesn't happen. It's a pretty good deal compared to what I've gone through with Lover Who Is Not My Lover. And it's not that there aren't quite a few men out there willing to validate my sexual self if that's what I was looking for-- ones who are willing to adore me and fuck me at the drop of a hat. But I have no desire for those types of relationships and I shy away from "glommers" who offer me too much attention. I've never been the type of woman who is capable of taking much more advantage than a drink or two at a bar from an admiring man. I've had a few big (fat wallets along with their fat cocks) opportunities too. Some I've later been a little sorry I passed up. But once I've offered my heart to someone, sex and love get all tied up in a convoluted mix. I get attached and have a tender heart.

Where was I? Oh yes, the idea of H. being just as content being monogamous as he is in our sexually open relationship. So I asked him. I asked him what he would do if I told him that I wanted to be monogamous and wanted him to be monogamous too. His answer was that he would think that I had lost my mind because I would never say that to him. "But play along with me here honey" I said. "What if I did ask you that? People change, it's possible. What if I really wanted, for whatever reason, for us both to be sexually monogamous with each other, would you be willing to make that agreement with me?" He said that it was impossible for him to give me an answer, that he would need to experience the heart energy and all that was motivating me to make such a request of him, that it was just too unreal (and surreal) to go there without a lot of contemplation. I understand. Although I know what my answer to him would be if he were to make the same request of me. Been there. Done that. Here we are.

When I made the comment about H. appreciating being in a sexual open relationship, but that he would be just as happy being monogamous, Lover Who Is My Lover said that that's what it is like for him. Well, as I thought about that comment it triggered me a bit. Damn, where's the fucking passion boyfriend? I don't want to be expendable. Extraneous. Superfluous. Was he in essence saying, "Well, it's pretty nice having you around and all but I'd be just as happy if you weren't"? He's said similar things to me too. Once he told me that if he was ever to get into another polyamorous relationship that he'd like to be with someone who lives fairly close, but in another city. He's also told me that I'm like his wife in so many ways that he's thought he might prefer being in a relationship with someone who is totally different than her. For Christ's sake. Hello? What I am anyway, 'Rent a Girlfriend'? Not that you're seriously considering it or anything but you'd kinda like to turn me in and try out a different model?

When I say these things out loud (or type them here in this blog) they sound kinda awful. Way worse than they really are. Actually they aren't bad at all unless I make a story out of them. Essentially, I'm joking even though I'm serious too. I mean, I know these things are both true and not true. It's all a grain of salt in the big picture. I've made it clear to Lover Who Is My Lover that it's important to me that we have a honest and open relationship. I want us both to speak the truth to one another and I've told him that I want to hear his "truths of the moment" whether these truths turn out to be the ultimate truth or not. I consider him my good friend first and foremost and I want him to know that he can speak his mind and share his heart with to me without editing out stuff that might hurt my feelings. I mean, I'd rather have my feelings hurt and hear the naked truth of his thoughts and what's up for him than have him withhold his truth from me. I love him and I appreciate that he trusts me enough to be open and tell me the thoughts that cross his mind. I mean, it's not that I'm of the opinion that what he thinks is strange anyway. For instance, if I'm really like his wife in many ways, I think it's normal that he might sometimes wonder or wish that he had a girlfriend who was totally different. Whatever. I mean, as much as I like him (I do like him a lot along with being in love with him) it's not like I wouldn't appreciate having another boyfriend who possesses qualities that are different than his. But I don't want to replace him, I'd just take ANOTHER boyfriend. But then there is the whole issue of having the time and energy for another boyfriend. Besides, I already have Lover Who Is Not My Lover to deal with!

But I really didn't so much like hearing that he would be just as happy being monogamous. On the one hand I can appreciate this about him and even more so because even with this inclination he is still choosing to be in relationship with me. And I also know that that one line isn't the only line in the story of who he is, what he's about, and what I mean to him. He's made that obvious and he treats me well. If he wasn't a sweet lover I wouldn't be with him. But at that moment, no other lines followed and it served to raise the idea in my mind--that I am possibly irrelevant. Non-essential. Impertinent to him. I know that is not the truth but I'm a flawed human being with a tender heart, along with being a woman in love, and sometimes I take comments personally and out of context.

With all that said, I'm just as happy too.