Living the Dream

One of my best friends has been talking about her polyamorous nature and yet how it's really just a concept for her. She is living monogamously and yet is open to having another, or other lovers. She's been mulling over the logistics of how living polyamorously could comfortably work.
I like Mistress Matisse's set up. I may have this figured wrong but my understanding is that she has her primary partner, Max, with whom she shares a home. She also has another home where she does her business. Her secondary partner, Monk, is in a long term happy marriage. Matisse mostly lives and sleeps with Max but once or twice a week she and Monk spend the night together at her home where she does her business. When she spends the night with Monk, Max's secondary partner Puck, spends the night with him at the home he shares with Matisse. This routine seems to be very flexible with a bit more, or less, time spent with their primary and/or secondary partners depending on the ebb and flow of their lives and work/play situations. These folks often attend the same social functions and party together but just as often, they are off doing their own thing with their primary or secondary, spending some alone time together or hanging with a different set of friends. It seems that some or all of them have one or two or more tertiary partner's that enter their lives here and there that are inserted into their work/play schedules in an accommodating way. I assume that these folks are far from perfect, because after all, they are human. But damn they do seem to have it all so well organized logistically with everyone seemingly at least functionally happy enough, emotionally mature and loving with one another most of the time.

The day before yesterday, another of my best friends told me that I wasn't polyamorous because even though Jerry and I are willing, we don't actually live polyamorously. It's just a concept for us. This is true I suppose but it felt like a sock in the gut and hurt my feelings. I got over it quickly but I would have preferred hearing words of support and validation. Something along the lines of "You guys have worked so hard and come so far and you can obviously handle this. It's going to be so exciting when you finally get to live your dream." Oh well. But Jerry has never really been put to the test. Me neither. We certainly aren't living a poly life like Matisse is. And I'll admit that I'm a bit jealous of her in that aspect too. I've perhaps experienced more on my end that Jerry has on his, but maybe not. Ultimately, neither of us has lived with the other being full on in love with another person with whom everyone has claimed and acknowledged that love and then carried on creating relationship in a responsible, committed, and sexual loving way. It is my desire to experience that some day.

My situation sort of reminds me of when I was mismatched in an unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationship for eight long years. We were so messed up and unable to cope with our situation and love for one another. Yet I knew, without a doubt that I was ready and capable of being in relationship in a powerful, truthful and loving way. When I finally had the courage to let go of that relationship I immediately stepped into my relationship with Jerry and started creating what I knew I could and would. It was all in the timing and I was just waiting for us to meet and start on our journey together.

My dear friend Gillette recently wrote about Jerry's and my relationship in her blog, Healthy Relationships On The Edge. "...there is one relationship...that is the healthiest relationship I have ever seen. They are poly. It hasn't always been easy. In fact, at times it's been pretty darn difficult to the point of me worrying where it would end up. But they both held onto themselves and through their love, shifted and sorted, using their relationship to open themselves up in ways neither thought possible. Through this adventure, their commitment to themselves and each other, they are, literally, not the same people they were two years ago. The changes have manifested in all ways-not just their marriage. They are calmer, more at peace, happier than I have ever seen them...and I've known the wife for about 25 years. They are closer, more intimate than any couple I've ever met. Their calm, sweet, yet spicily-hot energetic connection is palpable. It binds them more strongly now than it did when they married 12(?) years ago. At the same time, this connection, because it's grounded in Truth and trust, gives them both so much freedom!!!" I felt really honored and a bit unworthy when I read this but you know, it rings true for me.

I know that I don't always get what I want but that I get what I need. If I need a full on polyamorous relationship then it will come and I'll be ready. I identify as being polyamorous and I hope it's a more solid claim than my bi-sexuality. I was in love with a woman once. I would have had sex with her...if only... Sometimes I feel like I'm just potentially bi-sexual and potentially polyamorous and that it's possible for me to stay stuck in potentiality without ever manifesting what I want. This train of thought is a bit depressing but I have a good life (when I'm not having a really hard day I know this) and a great relationship, regardless. And I'm willing to continue meeting my life as it presents itself.

I know I can, and currently do, love more than one person simultaneously and so does Jerry. I wonder where the tipping point, or threshold is? At what point do I get to legitimately claim that I'm polyamorous? This is an earnest question and yet I'm also being fairly tongue-in-cheek here. I'm aware that I've physically stepped into my dream and yet I'm definitely not full on living the dream. I see of this picture in my minds eyes of Jerry and me and our lovers sitting in the car with the key in the ignition and the car is even running but the transmission is still in park. I know that when the petal is to the metal it will definitely be more of a challenge but I've no doubt that we are both more than capable and I'll be happy to confirm this someday.