Surviving Mother, Jeaously, And Preparing for Burningman

I'm feeling pretty exhausted right now. It's been a long week and it's only Wednesday. Today I did a bunch of various errands and shopping trips as well as visiting my mother 3 times. The second time was when she called me to help her up after she had fallen and the third time was to help her get to her bed as she couldn't walk. Tonight I'm wondering if assisted care isn't right around the next corner.

Yesterday was about the same including a 2 hour visit at the Sprint store. My 2 month to the day new cell phone stopped working and I need to sent it off for repair. Samsung may keep it for up to two weeks. This left me with the options of going without a cell phone for the duration, purchasing another phone (the cheapest was $170.00) or finagling a free phone out of them. I got my free phone but, like I said, it was 2 hours later when I left the store. I suppose $85.00 an hour for my time was worth it.

I'm over my rampage of jealously. It's hard to stay jealous with awareness of the truth. It seems impossible to both love and fear at the same time. And although my ego would imagine that it could or even should try and control others at times, that isn't how I choose carry on in my relationships. I'm not interested in making demands of others and requests always leave the option of a no for a answer. I've found that if I'm refusing to accept a no for any answer, then I'm not really making a request of another, but rather a demand. I am not into demanding anything from anyone, least of all the people I love. It still leaves to be seen whether I will get a yes or a no to my request. I've made amends (in my mind and heart mostly, but we've talked a little too) with my friend who triggered the jealous feelings in me. I realize that I was feeling vulnerable in relation to my need for belonging, experiencing love and intimacy, attention, affection and companionship. Not that I don't have a deep sense of belonging in my life as it is, because I do in many arenas, but it's just that I'm a complicated girl with some convoluted relationships. And I'm trying to be diligent in keeping the communication of understanding clear. I want everything and I need nothing...well it's not that I don't have needs, it's just that I have everything I need. I trust that. On the other hand, I don't have everything I want...just yet. Besides--all my desires are works in progress and as soon as one is fulfilled there is always another to take it's place. It's a never ending cycle but one that I'm thoroughly enjoying, most of the time anyway.

We leave for Burningman in 11 days. Today I received my volunteer schedule for working at Sanctuary as a mental health guide/support person for those who may be having a bad trip on drugs. Monday, the same day that we arrive I have a 4 hour mandatory training and then I work a 6 hour shift on Sunday, the day before we leave.