A Hard Day

Wednesday August 1st was a damn hard day for me. I first recognized and acknowledged that I wasn't handling my emotions well when I was in the fabric store buying sewing machine needles. I wasn't sure if I had picked the right ones so I asked one of the employees who was walking down the aisle if she could help me. She refused and hurried off to her more important business leaving me alone with my abandonment issues. I could have started crying but instead I headed to the checkout and purchased the needles from a very pleasant cashier. Driving out of the parking lot in my car, I was overwhelmed with sadness and I cried over all the meanness in the world. Why is it so hard for us to just be nice to one another?
My granddaughter turned three years old today. Jerry and I flew to Hawaii to help when she was born. She was born outside, overlooking the ocean and a black sand beach, in a tub of warm water that held both her mother and father. That night a hurricane hit the island. She is fireball, a Leo girl child. Her father is my son, another fire sign, an Aries. Her and her mother came to live with us for a year when she was six months old. Her parents are going through a divorce and I'm very sad over everything that is transpiring. A lot has been under pressure with this situation and it's affecting our whole family. The ordeal just smacked me in the gut today. Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!

My mother is probably going to have to be moved into assisted care. I don't think my daughter and I can handle her care on our own much longer. She has Alzheimer's and gets very anxious and depressed. She is having a very difficult time walking even though there is really nothing physically wrong with her. She has this very pathetic whiny victim part of her personality which was in control today. Unfortunately, today I didn't possess and over abundance of loving kindness and compassion. She phoned early this morning waking me from a sound sleep, needing me because she was sick. I talked with her awhile and told her I would be over soon and then laid in bed for another half hour unwilling to heed her beck and call. When I arrived she was sitting in her apartment which was hot and stuffy even though it was early in the morning. It was cooler outside than inside and a little breeze was blowing. I left the front door open to let the breeze blow in and then I opened her drapes to let some light in. I gave her her medicine and a kiss and laid down on the couch and closed my eyes. I was feeling resistant towards her, sitting there in her chair looking so pathetic. I didn't believe she was really sick, only needy for attention and I was feeling tired and not very giving. She was annoyed that I left her door open because it made her feel exposed. I got up and shut the door and opened the sliding glass door. Then I did her dishes and made her some breakfast. She eat and said she felt better. She just wanted attention, connection, love. I was feeling more loving by the time I left. Soon she was calling me again very distressed. She had a hard day. So did I.

But this evening Jerry took me to see Jon Cleary and the Absolute Monster Gentlemen. They are a hot rockin New Orleans Funk Bank. Man did those guys have soul! We had a nice dinner at the Sierra Nevada Big Room, shared a table with friends, heard some great music, and danced a bunch too.

It lightened my spirits. Ah, the healing power of music.