A Big Ego-Beast With Baggage

I ran across this Rumi poem by Coleman Barks today and it really struck me. I've been intensely engaged in big ego-beast/pain body/queen of hearts negotiation with myself in relation to friendship/love relationship issues.

Two Friends

A certain person came to the Friend's door

and knocked.

"Who's there?"

"It's me."

The Friend answered, "Go away. There's no place

for raw meat at this table."

The individual went wandering for a year.

Nothing but the fire of separation

can change hypocrisy and ego. The person returned

completely cooked,

walked up and down in front of the Friend's house,

gently knocked.

"Who is it?"

"You."

"Please come in, my self,

there's no place in this house for two.

The doubled end of the thread is not what goes through

the eye of the needle.

It's a single-pointed, fined-down, thread end,

not a big ego-beast with baggage."

This Being Human

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

(The Essential Rumi, versions by Coleman Barks)

I was gifted with this poem in my email this morning. I've been doing a lot of negotiating with my ego the last couple of months. It has its ideas, thoughts, insights, and stories and the gamut of emotions that arise along with them. I'm listening and taking it all in. Allowing it to guide me and then letting it go. Contemplating this being human as a guest house and all that I invite in.

The Queen Of Hearts

The Queen of Hearts is manifesting powerfully in my life right now. She is hot and juicy and pouring out a lava flow of love sweet love.

Bare Feet In The Sand

The Queen of Hearts has been up big for me these last few days. Santa Barbara with D. and R. has been great. The ocean and the love of friends is healing. I love my bare feet in the sand. We've been shopping at second hand stores and sewing, walking dogs etc. Today we went downtown and I hit up the Lucky Brand store for some really cool shirts and tonight we went out for sushi. Yum.

To Love

I feel so good right now. I'm in Santa Barbara with my good friends R. and D. I'm in bed with the computer and it's been a long day. R and I finally got on the road at noon after packing up, running various errands, and stopping to see my sweet mommy.

She was very confused today and bless her, she's been what she and I have come to call "dreaming" again, when she get all confused about the reality of her life. Her story today was that she was marrying a man named Carl and she wanted me to take her to the county seat so she could purchase a marriage license. She was both serious and embarrassed at the same knowing how outlandish her story sounded. My mother developed a crush on Carl while at her other assisted care home. He was her physical therapist and she told me her fantasies about him shortly after they met. I started teasing her occasionally about her "boyfriend" and she enjoyed it. He was a handsome and distinguished looking man, perhaps 65 years old (my mother is 85.) The first time I met him was when I stopped by to visit my mom and he happened to be there for his weekly visit. My mom let me know, in no uncertain terms, that it was her time with Carl and she didn't want to be disturbed. After shaking his hand and a few fairly hurried pleasantries, I excused myself so as not to intrude on their time alone together.

With a couple of stops along the way, the drive from Chico to Santa Barbara took us ten and a half hours. I got to go out to dinner with my goddaughter and it was so good to see her, enjoying her company and listening to her chat it up. She is growing into a very self-sufficient and sweet person as well as a beautiful young woman. She's in love too and I'm glad for that. And my son called me from Portland. It was good to hear his voice.

I didn't do my Epsom salt and baking soda soak today (one soak a day for three days after a Rolfing Treament) nor the Five Tibetan Rites (I don't know why they are called five rites as there are six of them) that I've been doing for the last few days to strengthen my inner core. I'll be here in Santa Barbara until Saturday when I fly home and I'm so glad to get away from everything right now and just relax. Looking forward to the ocean and some second hand stores among other things. It's been a difficult summer. Intense. At the same time, life is sweet.


I'm experiencing a lot of appreciation right now for my polyamorous life. I feel like I'm really embracing it like I never have before. As if I'm finally leaving the realm of Theoretical Polyamory into the real world. I feel very grounded. I notice this in my husband too and it's making me very happy. Today in the car drive down here, I noticed some big emotion that was up in me that I first interpreted as a jealously. As I paid more attention to it I experienced it as compersion and I had to smile. As I rode the energy for a while I was aware of all my emotions as simply energy that I'm either allowing to flow or not to flow through my body.

I feel very in sync with my life's purpose right now. So grateful for all the love relationships in my life. Grateful for my ability to keep my heart open. To connect with others. To love.

A World of Liars

Admit one liar into your heart today.

What is a lie? Falsehoods; withholds; white lies; untruths; half-truths; unspoken words; deceive; inaccuracies; prevarication; fib; speaking with forked tongue; dishonest; breaking an agreement; twist the truth; mislead; not keeping one's word; not following through; misrepresent the facts; cover up; belie; saying what you don't really mean; secrets; adulterate; not creditable; facade; inauthentic; indiscretion; cheat; sugarcoat; broken promises; hide; insincere; unreal; hide; fiction; phony; not communicating; bite your tongue;not seeking understanding; leaving it unsaid; edit; conceal; thievery; lie.

I once heard that a liar is always a thief because they steal another's right to hear the truth.

Do the lies behind me and the lies before me reflect the lies within me?

I have admitted a liar into my life. To be honest, more than one. And I have to admit, I am a liar too. I'll say it again. I am a liar.

Are we all liars? What lies are you telling? What truths are you not telling? Why do we lie even when it separates us from Another, and most of all, from ourselves?

Awareness demands me to ferret out the lies in my life. To fucking stop lying. To live with integrity. To be true to myself. Ego says, "There is a lot to be afraid of. A lot to lose. Lie for your life. Lie to live. Lie to be loved."

It's easy to tell the truth when it's easy but it's when it's difficult that it counts.

An Abundance Of All Good Things

Today is Pema's birthday. Pema is my best friend. To you Pema, I wish an abundance of all the good things in life that make you smile--art; music; good food; color; deep, slow, intense, juicy sex; a comfortable home; the joy of family; good friends; heartfelt communication; the best almond croissants in the world; passion; and to be pampered with love, love, and more love. Thank you for being here to brighten up this planet. You brighten up my life. Your presence is one of my greatest treasures. I love you.