Friday, March 25, 2011

Jayananda Krsna Das

My fifth child.

We named you after a very sweet man.  A sanyasi.  Devotee of Krsna.  Disciple of Swami Prabhupada.  A friend.  He died of cancer many years ago.  

You were born just 17 months after your sister.  She was incredibly calm and gentle around  you.

I was so in love with you.  In love as a lover loves her beloved.  I couldn't take my eyes off of you.  I just wanted to hold you and stare at you forever.  Everything else was a distraction.  There was no greater pleasure than simply being in your presence and attending to you.  I loved all of my babies and experienced great joy in caring for my newborns--each one of them.  But with you it was different.  The love I experienced for you was profound.

You scared me a lot, doing newborn baby things that I had never experienced before.  You projectile vomited for weeks.  You had blood in your stools.  You came down with a strange "diaper" rash that spread to your armpits and the folds of your neck.  I cared for you with herbs and other natural remedies and you healed.

And then I got very sick.  I had no pain but I knew I was dying.  The doctors, and I went to many, couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  My life force was slipping away.  I had no energy.  No strength.  No blood pressure.  Well, my blood pressure was so low that they always thought they missed it and would take it over several times.  This always happened.  They couldn't believe it was so low.

I had no desires.  No desire to live and non to die.  But I felt okay with dying.  Except that I had 5 children and a new born baby to care for.  I thought it wouldn't be in their best interest, to leave my children, so I attempted to live, not with any great effort but with a calm and detached resolve.

I laid in bed and nursed you and slept.  I changed your diaper now and again when your father was busy with other things.  He cared for your older siblings and the house.  He cared for me and he cared for you.  I eat little bits of food and drank fluids because I knew I needed to in order to continue making milk to feed you.  This continued for a few months until slowly I came back to life.

That was 29 years ago.  March 24th, 1982--the day of your birth.  My vernal equinox baby.  My aries fire child.  Happy birthday my son.  My sweet boy.

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