Love and Death Require it of Me

I woke this morning thinking that the reason I stay in difficult relationships is because it is the perfect practice for dying.  I'm clear that I also stay for the love.  I'm not talking about receiving love from another although that's a part of it.  I'm talking about staying in the flow of love, keeping myself in love--not "in love" with another, although that's part of it too.  But I'm intent on keeping myself in the truth of love, the reality that love is everywhere, permeates everything, whatever the circumstance and to know love in this way. But I second guess myself always.  I chastise myself over my inability to let go, to swim ashore and walk away.  But the truth is, I'm letting go constantly as I grapple with the influx of consistently mixed messages and the lack of being met, that keep me off balance.  I struggle to keep my head above water, to breath, and relax into what is.  And to realize that it's about meeting the other where they are also, and that is very tricky...meeting and being met when two people are in different places.

I see this vision of myself as being in a boat with LWINMLT, floating along on calm waters with my foot hanging over the side, dangling in the cool wetness.  I'm enjoying his company but also, I'm just enjoying life.  Enjoying his love, while being connected to the big love that permeates all of life.  The next thing I know, a storm has hit, the water is rough and I'm thrown from the boat.  I'm struggling to swim, to keep my head above the water and he doesn't even acknowledge my predicament.  He offers no hand to pull me back into the boat, he's preoccupied with something else and is looking the other way.  I'm on my own.  So I do whatever it takes to survive and get myself back into the boat.  I pull myself back in, I'm soaking wet and half drowned and then he turns toward me and offers me a towel, seemingly surprised that I was even overboard--as if I had jumped in the water of my own accord.   The next thing I know the storm has passed and the sun is shining again as we continue floating along on calm waters.

This same scenario plays out again and again in my relationship with him.  And every time I'm in the water, struggling to get back into the boat I look over at the shore and wonder if it's not more prudent to swim ashore and walk away.  Why don't I just abandon ship and let him float away...oblivious of me and my struggle?  Would he even notice, or care, that I was gone?  Why do I care for someone so much, that at times, seems to care so little about me?  But there are so many mixed messages.  There is no doubt that there is a lot of love available in that boat, when the water is calm and the sun is shining and it's so obvious that he cares. But the pain and struggle when I'm thrown overboard and his back is turned is excruciatingly painful.  I attempt, but it's so difficult, not to take these things personally.

This is my dilemma.  I know I have deep abandonment issues rooted in my father's choice to not be a part of my life.  He turned his back on me.  He ignored me.  He never offered me a helping hand.  He was unavailable.  I'm vulnerable to a man's attention in this regard.  I have a thing for unavailable men.  Men who open their hearts wide and invite me in and in the flick of a switch, become unavailable...and then available again.  The love is obviously there but something is missing.  The commitment I suppose.  I don't fall in love lightly, and when I do,  when I allow these men into my heart,  I get very attached.  At the same time, I'm a big girl and fairly emotionally mature.  I do my utmost to take responsibility for myself, feeling my emotions,  understanding the truth of my stories, and experiencing my pain.  I try my very best to not hold others responsible when I'm working through my stuff.  At the same time, human life is about connecting with others, we affect one another in big ways and love asks us, love requires us, to show up.  So to the very best of my ability, I keep showing up.  I don't swim to the shore and walk away.  Sometimes I think this is most foolish of me.  But that's my "father" in that boat.

Besides that,  my father is on the shore too.  It doesn't matter if I crawl back into the boat or swim to the shore.  My issues with abandonment will greet me wherever I go.  So I keep showing up for love.  It requires this of me.  And I know that this showing up for love, is preparing me to show up for death.