Two Partners

Mistress Matisse has a post on polyamory today which doesn't get very specific and how to find her archived posts. She mentions her two partners, how long she's been with each of them (5 and 10 years) and how she doesn't use the terms primary and secondary much anymore.

michael jackson billy jean

This was always my favorite Michael Jackson.

Flow Charts and Planning Calendars

You know, one of the challenges of polyamory is not jealousy or health issues...

Mistress Matisse posted a blog about flow charts yesterday.

Keeping everyone on the same page is a BIG issue in polyamorous relationships. Plus, there may be unlimited love to go around but time is finite. Organization helps everyone make better choices about where they want to be and with whom, at any particular time. Routine and structure (with spontaneity and flexibility encouraged to suit people's individual styles) helps poly relationships flow smoother. Planning calenders seem to be mandatory and everyone setting aside the time to get together and schedule in commitments and dates (whom will be with whom, where and when) is essential. Everyone needs their fair share of time and attention from their lover and also, down time to be alone and/or with other friends, family, and other life callings.

This post about flow charts is where it all starts. It's about getting important information out to all the significant players. If this, that, and the other thing, needs to happen, or is already happening, everyone needs as much advance notice as possible. It can be difficult to remember who told what to whom and who's wanting what when. Flow charts serve to keep us all on the same page. Once the flow chart is in place and everyone is filling in the pertinent information, it's time for the planning calendar to come out.

Do I keep a flow chart? No way. Do I have a planning calendar, yes indeed. Could my system be improved for efficiency? Most certainly.

The Neville Brothers - Amazing Grace / One Love

Let's get together and feel alright!

Neville Brothers - Tell it like it is

Aaron Neville sings with Greg Allman and Bonnie Raitt!

Not Rocket Science

As my friend Pema recently said:

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that being in relationship with you is all about going deep. The soul knows what it's getting itself into.

That said, I'm not an incredibly high maintenance person that makes unreasonable demands on my partners. I mean, going deep just comes with the territory of truth, love, sex, and freedom--yes?

I really don't like discovering that I'm the only one who actually jumped in and now I'm left swimming back to shore alone.

Well as long as I'm out here in the middle of the ocean I might as well dive down deep. I've donned my mermaid tail for strength and I'm curious to see what treasures I may find.

Plus, just to make sure my intention is clear. I am more than willing to jump off into deep uncharted waters--I'll do just about anything for the adventure of love and enlightenment. And I'll brave the storms that come along too. But let it be known that I want a good part of my adventures to be relaxing on the warm sandy beach of a calm ocean.

Runners Make Me Want To Run

Runners make me want to run. And I don't mean joggers. Runners meet my abandonment wounds head on and trigger my own shut down response.

I was going to write more and link again to Gillette's post on Runners but when I went to her site she had a new post today called Leonian Grasp and Flow with Runners directly underneath. I think I'll just leave it at that.

Passport To Freedom

I was planning on going to a summer solstice party that my friends have every year in Butte Creek Canyon but Pema came by to visit and then we went to see D. and B. and they ended up feeding us dinner and we drank wine outside watching the incredible cloud formations in the pre-dusk sky.

Pema and I came home, Jerry showed up, and the three of us watched a film called The Boy In The Striped Pajamas, about a young boy in Nazi Germany. Intense.

Pema left, Jerry went to bed and I started gathering things for the completion of my Solstice-Freedom ritual. I had saved my hair that I just cut off with the intention of burning it. I didn't have a specific plan for my ritual, besides something simple, but it got more and more elaborate as I started collecting stuff and carrying it outside. I ended up dressing in ritual garb and making up a nice comfy bed to sleep outside.

I didn't want to get too much into my head. My body was pulsating and the energy was flowing nicely. I lit some various candles and burned lots of incense. I anointed myself with amber/rose oil and drank cognac. I listened to some music--Bonnie Raitt singing I Will Not Be Broken was really speaking to me. I brought out my passport, a book of Rumi poetry, and the novel I'm currently reading called Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon.

Bonnie Raitt-I Will Not Be Broken:

That was then this is now
Found my way back here somehow
I knew you'd have to let me go
I told you once I told you so

Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I will not be...

Someone other than who I am
I will fight to make my stand
Cause what is livin' if I can't live free
What is freedom if I can't be me

Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But I know where I'm not going
I will not be broken
I will not be broken

I won't let you near it
I will let my spirit fly
Fly
High
Oh take me down

Take me down
You can hold me but you
Can't hold what's within
Pull me round
Push me to the limit
Maybe I may bend
But we both know I'm not going

I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I will not be broken
I will not be... no no baby
ooh...

From the Outlander:

Nor was the physical the only dimension where the two men varied. There was nearly fifteen years' difference in their ages, for one thing, which likely accounted for some of the difference between Frank's urbane reserve and Jamie's frank openness. As a lover, Frank was polished, sophisticated, considerate, and skilled. Lacking experience or the pretense of it, Jamie simply gave me all of himself, without reservation. And the depth of my response to that unsettled me completely.

The Essential Rumi--Coleman Barks

What is this giving up? A peace that saves us.

In your light I learn how to love.
In your beauty, how to make poems
You dance inside my chest,
where no one see you,
but sometimes I do,
and that sight becomes this art.

I intended, felt my passion, let go, prayed, read, slept, dreamed. In the morning a light rain fell on me.

P!nk - Sober

Bonnie Raitt - I Will Not Be Broken (live)

Sing it Bonnie.

Are You A Runner?

Gillette has a nice post on Runners today. She writes about three basis communication patterns that people use in their relationships.

1) There are those who do not want to address strong emotions. They withdraw, walk away, leave the person with strong emotions alone. I have decided to fondly call them The Runners. No insult implied. Simply is what it is.

2) There are those who address strong emotional issues straight on in the moment. Often, since buttons are in the height of tweak, communication and working with the challenges can get...intense.

3) There are those who address strong emotional issues straight on but after they've had some time to process theirs first to find out what's going on at a deeper level for them. When they figure themselves out, they are able to come to the discussion with information that is useful for all concerned.

I've never been much of a runner. I've spent a good portion of my life in the #2 pattern of communication. The older and wiser me tends to operate mostly in the #3 pattern but I think the #2 mode is still an okay place to communicate from. When I am able to remain honest, raw and real in this mode it can be a powerful place to communicate from. Witnessing my mind grasp on to ego stories and acknowledging that this is going on the moment can serve to connect me with my partner on a very basic wounded human level. This is a piece of who I am. Honestly speaking my fears and the truth of the moment is a powerful dynamic of intimate relationships. And although I actually prefer to communicate in the #3 mode, sometimes while moving from the #2 opportunity I devolve in #1 running mode. Not good.

My Freedom Ritual

Let Freedom Ring.

Today I'm celebrating my freedom. That is nothing new or unusual in and of itself as I have a fairly intent focus on living authentically free most days. But I've been feeling a bit trapped lately, unable to break free of the chains that bind me, and when that happens I know just the ritual to free my spirit. I've performed this ritual several times in the past. It used to happen about every 10 years or so but it's only been 3 1/2 years since the last one.

So my energy has been a bit stuck and I've been feeling the calling. When my emotions get all kinked up in my body, it keeps the love from flowing freely. When this happens I know it's time to get serious about letting go of what I think I want and move into wanting and rejoicing in what is, whatever it is. It's about trusting the universe. Trusting myself. Trusting others. Trusting love.

My intention:

Letting go so love can flow.
Releasing old stagnant energy.
Cutting out ego stories.
Freeing myself energetically from everything that isn't true.
Setting down my burdens. Why carry all this extra weight?
Being bold.
Exposing myself...Go ahead, bite me in the neck...Hard...Leave your mark on me...Make me bleed...Bruise me. Hurt me if you must... I can take it... I like it even... To a point...It's sexy when you're strong like that... I know when to stop you if you don't know when to stop yourself.
Admitting my desire for tenderness.
Letting go of distrust.
Releasing into trust.
Owning the power of my femininity.
Having the strength to be vulnerable.
Untangling myself from the lies.
Willingness to tell the truth.
Down sizing.
What am I hiding from with all this stuff (hair)?
Making things simpler.
Taking it in stride.
Going with the flow.
Planting a seed.
Allowing.
Reveling in my nakedness.
Revealing.
Choosing.
Graciously receiving the choices of another.
Claiming my independence while acknowledging and fully embracing my interdependence.
Opening to the love that springs forth from freedom.

The Slippery Cleft

Oh fuck. Finally. I've been waiting for this.

In answer, I put my hands behind his neck and pulled him down on top of me. I guided him to the slippery cleft between my legs. "Holy God," said James Fraser, who never took the name of his Lord in vain. "Don't stop now," I said.
--From the Outlander.

Yeah, what are you thinking? Don't stop now.

The Human Journey To Love

I've been contemplating my emotions again and here's what I've learned so far:

Emotions are a whirling, spiraling, energy that course through my body. Feeling my emotions and allowing them to freely run their course, without judgment is one of the greatest and most difficult of lessons that I have been learning in this life. It's a master level course.

Emotions are at the core of what being human is all about. Attraction between two souls ride on our emotions and allow us to create relationships and bond with each other. Emotions are the creative force of the universe. Desire travels on emotion, moving energy from the ethereal mind through the physical body to create in the material world.

Felt emotions evolve us, heal us, teach us to love. Love is the greatest of all emotions but we cannot experience the flow of love without the flow of the other emotions also. That's the basis of what being human is all about--feeling our emotions and integrating our animal nature with our divine nature.

Love and fear are the emotions that sit at each end of the human spectrum. We vacillate back and forth between these two extreme experiences. Stuck emotions (emotions we don't allow ourselves to fully feel/experience) devolve us, poison us, and send us to the fear filled end. Each and every emotion that arises within us must be allowed and fully embraced (not tightly held on to, but not ignored or pushed aside) as it holds within it the potential for our healing, the fulfillment of our greatness, which is ultimately, to reside in, and create from, a space of love.

Emotions are spiraling vortexes--this is actually what a chakra (energy center in the body) is. Spiraling waves of energy located in different areas of the body. We must focus our intention, and continually practice allowing this energy to move freely through us, to consciously and purposely feel it. As we open to these spiraling vortexes of energy and allow our emotions to run clear, our minds clear and we open to the miracle of our vast human potential. We open to the power and pure joy of love.

It's not an easy process, a road less traveled by many, but a journey that must, eventually be taken by all.

My GoGo

I was 21 years old when you were born. My second child. A girl. I started doing yoga when I was pregnant with you. And listened to Indian chanting throughout the day. I had a daily ritual of making chapatis that puffed up perfectly and I'd eat many of them with a tall glass of milk.

Your name arrived before you were born without any knowledge of your gender. I actually knew you were a girl just because I knew. I never had a sonogram that told me so. A cassette tape was playing and a devotee was singing Govinda Jaya Jaya, Gopala Jaya Jaya, Radha Ramana Hari, Govinda Jaya Jaya and there was your name, Govinda Jaya, boy or girl didn't matter. Govinda, meaning He who gives pleasure to the Cows and to the senses. Govinda Jaya, meaning All Glories to God.

Everyone was aghast and fearful that I was planning on giving birth to you at home, with no midwife, and only your father and older brother (who was 4 1/2 years old) in attendance. Throughout my pregnancy and up until the time my labor started I had convinced myself that I would feel no pain with your birth. Well, it actually hurt a lot. After about 12 hours of labor you were born in the cull (your water sack never broke) which is a very auspicious sign. My labia tore quite a bit but that was the only complication we had to deal with besides having to wait for several hours for your placenta to deliver. You never cried, just opened your violet-blue eyes and looked at us and then latched onto my breast and sucked for the longest time. Your newborn baby feet where just like Krishna's with red soles that looked as if they had been dipped in kumkum powder. When you were done nursing we gave you a bath which amounted to floating you in warm water. You loved the water and cried for the first time when we took you out. We anointed your body with tilaka, sacred clay from the Ganges River while reciting various names of God (Vishnu) to honor your body as a holy temple and protect you. As soon as the first mark of tilaka touched your body your crying stopped. This became a daily ritual and the only time we ever heard you cry for the first month after you were born. We would give you your daily bath, you would cry when taken out of the water, but as soon as the anointing with tilaka, along with the reciting of the names of God would start, you would stop crying and lie there peacefully until the ritual was complete.

Here are the names of God that are recited while the body is anointed with the tilaka:

forehead: om keshavaya namaha
belly: om narayanaya namaha
chest: om madhavaya namaha
neck: om govindaya namaha
right: belly om vishnave namaha
right: arm om madhusudhanaya namaha
right: shoulder om trivikramaya namaha
left: belly om vamanaya namaha
left arm: om shridharaya namaha
left shoulder: om hrishikeshaya namaha
upper back: om padmanabhaya namaha
lower back: om damodaraya namaha

Happy 33rd Birthday Govinda Jaya. My second born. My first girl child. My daughter. I love you.

Poly Is Not Hip

Mistress Matisse recent twitter post:

Poly will never be truly hip, because it requires striving & caring deeply about ideals. Being hip requires caring earnestly about: nothing.

Stepping Out--Alone and Powerless

From Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

...I thought of myself stepping out, alone and powerless, to confront the mob of solid and virtuous citizens, avid for the excitement of punishment and blood to alleviate the tedium of existence.

People are gregarious by necessity. Since the days of the first cave dweller, humans--hairless, weak, and helpless save for cunning--have survived by joining together in groups; knowing, as so many other edible creatures have found, that there is protection in numbers. And that knowledge, bred in the bone, is what lies behind mob rule. Because to step outside the group, let alone to stand against it, was for uncounted thousands of years death to the creature who dared it. To stand against a crowd would take something more than ordinary courage; something that went beyond human instinct. And I feared I did not have it, and fearing, was ashamed.

Thinking of polyamory as a lifestyle choice and the possible implications of this lifestyle when it comes up against the social construct of monogamy which is often carried out as a bred in the bone mob rule mentality.

Dancing In The Rain

Recently I shared some of my "stuff" with a friend who had fingered the trigger of its arising. He backed off a bit, and very sweetly let me know that he was just waiting for my "storm" to pass. OK, I thought. It's my storm and it's up to me to deal with, that's a valid choice.

But his backing off triggered more of my "stuff", aka, abandonment issues. I've been pondering this for awhile, just being with it, attempting to not judge this backing off as right or wrong, just feeling what comes up and to the best of my ability, not feeding the ego stories that arise. There is no doubt in my mind that I have "abandoned" people that I love while they are in the midst of their storms. Sometimes, when the storm is big, I've just not possessed the emotional capacity to deal with it even though I knew I should stick around and offer support. At other times I've reasoned that it is probably best to just leave them to their stuff and let them sort it out alone, offering my support silently in the background. So whether it has been just plain selfishness (or self preservation) on my part, or truly the most sensible thing to do, either way I understand this reaction.

Something else has up come up for me with all this contemplating of storms. I really appreciate it when my friends don't back off and wait for the storm to past but rather put on their galoshes and dance with me in the rain.

Weeds - Flashmob with Michael Franti's 'I love you'

Three of Hearts

I just ordered this DVD and will do a review of it soon.

Three of Hearts--A Postmodern Family. This is a documentary film directed by Susan Kaplan.

Tagline: One woman, two men, one bed. How does this work?

Rotten Tomatoes says: Sam and Steven fall in love and move in together. Soon they get the idea to bring a woman into the mix. They spend seven years dating and looking for a woman they could both fall in love with. Sam meets Samantha, and they fall in love. Samantha meets Steven and they fall in love too. Nine years later they have a baby and open one of the hottest wellness centers in New York. Three of Hearts explores this unique union...a remarkable journey of self-discovery.

See trailer of this documentary below.

Three of hearts documentary trailer

Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me

Crash Into Me lyrics
You've got your ball
you've got your chain
tied to me tight tie me up again
who's got their claws
in you my friend
Into your heart I'll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock
and sweet you roll
Lost for you I'm so lost for you

You come crash into me
And I come into you
I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream

Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I'm bare boned and crazy for you
When you come crash
into me, baby
And I come into you
In a boys dream
In a boys dream

If I've gone overboard
Then I'm begging you
to forgive me
in my haste
When I'm holding you so girl
close to me

Oh and you come crash
into me, baby
And I come into you
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show the world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
and show your world to me
In a boys dream.. In a boys dream

Oh I watch you there
through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing but you
wear it so well
tied up and twisted
the way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash
into me

Grappling with Polyamory

H. and S. had been lovers for 5 years when H. hit a wall somewhere between his feelings for her and his feelings for me. H. and I had been lovers for 11 years, married for 8, were deeply in love and committed to each other through and through. Even though we had entered into the world of polyamory we were still functioning from a monogamous mindset and value system. Both of us still believed in and cherished, the myth of The One And Only. We had found the perfect match in each other, call it soul mates or what you will, we were a happy and attached pair bond.

H and I offered each other a simple and comfortable life (besides all the crazy kids and their drama.) We brought out the best in each other and had lots of fun together. S. was our best friend. She was part of our family and she spent lots of time with us. The three of us were always cuddly and cozy together but we never considered that she and H. would become lovers. But then one night when the moon cast some amorous spell on us, sex happened, it still felt right the next day, and that was that.

As time went on, H. had no clue how to integrate the love he felt for S. with the love he felt for me. Still operating from the idea that I was the one and only love of his life didn't leave any real room for S. to be a love of his life too. Well, he loved her no doubt That was a given. And I loved her and she loved both of us but we didn't deem it the same kind of love that H. and I shared. Of course love is just love and it's always experienced and expressed uniquely between lovers but there was a sort off odd hierarchical mindset that H. and I were holding on to that was a big part of what kept us feeling safe--by perceiving our love as somehow superior. We held on to our primary status with a ferocious grip that was meant to protect H. and I, first and foremost. It wasn't that we didn't care about, or want to protect S. also--we loved her dearly and thought we were concerned with protecting her heart also. But we weren't really. Not so much. It wasn't conscious or callous, but H. and I were convinced of the sacredness of our couple hood which we definitely gave priority status. Add to this mix the fact that I was jealous of my place in H.'s heart and life and he would do anything, even lie to himself (and me) to keep me (and himself) happy, comfortable, and secure in the fact that I was and would remain, #1 in his heart. We were practicing polyamory with a monogamous agenda.

Not that there isn't legitimate concern for a primary relationship. But the how and why of this concern is paramount and that deserves another post all it's own. I will say that I've learned that when it comes to hearts and love, there really is no primary and secondary status. This concept is hard to explain and it's racy, tender, complicated, and again, deserves a post of it's own.

Thing is, even though I was jealous and very possessive of H.'s love, I was willing to face my fears and deal. I was clueless on many counts (I still am) but that comes with being inexperienced with the territory. I believed in polyamory and sexual freedom with all my heart and I was incredibly tenacious with myself on this path of spiritual, sexual, self growth work--continually pushing myself to my ever expanding edge. I'm still doing this.

Regardless of my fears and the part of me didn't want to fully believe--I knew that H. loved S. and I started pushing him to admit it. First to himself, then to me, and then to her. During this time it came up that S. wanted H. to claim her as his girlfriend and he did. This freaked me out. Up to this point he had referred to her as his fuck buddy and a best friend with benefits. She was someone he certainly loved but was not in love with. Right. But I kept hammering away for the truth. Eventually he claimed her as his girlfriend, lover, and someone he was in love with.

I was encouraging H. and S. to spend time alone together to establish their own relationship and things were just at the precipice of opening and deepening for them. Then C. came into my life and I fell for him hard and fast. In the midst of my falling in love with C., H. was still grappling with how to manage his own love for S. and his jealousy, triggered by my falling in love with C., pushed him over the edge. With fear gripping him by the throat with all of his beliefs and social constructs surrounding love, relationships, marriage, sex, and commitment shaking him to his core, H. determined to return to the "simpler" life of a monogamous marriage as his salvation. He shut himself off to S, ending the sexual aspect of their relationship. He retreated into himself, reading, meditating and contemplating the merits of monogamy, trying to convince me that he was firmly on his chosen path, and that my place was right there by his side. I did remain firmly planted by his side but made it abundantly clear that I was in no way interested in returning to monogamy, that if he chose that for himself, fine, but that I wouldn't be his convert. Soon over his temper tantrum, H. regretted losing S. as a lover but she was pissed and kept herself shut off to him for quite some time.

In the meantime I continued loving C. and eventually H. (and I) came to experience that he could love S. and I could love C. and that this had very little to do with our own relationship. On the other hand, opening to polyamory and loving more than one did change H.'s and my relationship. Truthfully, it will never be the same. We've given up lots of our old and worn out ideas and beliefs. We've conquered many fears and suffered many ego deaths. We've evolved into a new way of being with ourselves and with each other, something that works better for us now. We are as committed to each other and our relationship as much as we ever were, probably more. We love each other deeply and share truth, sex, and an ever deepening friendship. We support each other's individuality and freedom. We trust each other and plan to continue on this adventure in love and life together.

We are still somewhat fucked up of course but that's a given of the human condition.

Live Free. Stay Human.

Live Free

Lucinda Williams- Right In Time (Live)

Not a day goes by I don't think about you
You left your mark on me it's permanent a tattoo
Pierce the skin and the blood runs through
Oh my baby
The way you move it's right in time
The way you move it's right in time
It's right in time with me
I stand over the stove in the kitchen
Watch the water boil and I listen
Turn off the television
Oh my baby
The way you move it's right in time
The way you move it's right in time
It's right in time with me

I take off my watch and my earrings
My bracelets and everything
Lie on my back and moan at the ceiling
Oh my baby
Think about you and that long ride
I bite my nails I get weak inside
Reach over and turn off the light
Oh my baby
The way you move it's right in time
The way you move it's right in time
It's right in time with me
The way you move it's right in time
The way you move it's right in time
It's right in time with me

Trusting In Love

I'm really hoping I don't have to come up with another acronym.
lwinml is already taken.

WTF?!

I haven't been blogging much lately because I've been feeling rather private. But today I have this to say:

































































































































This last picture just about says it all right now.

Sexual Boredom

A friend called today and asked me to talk to him about my experience with boredom in sexual relationships and if I thought polyamory could serve as a release valve of sorts, such as the little gizmo in the top of a pressure cooker that releases the built up pressure. As if having more than one lover could serve as stress relief for the primary relationship. I told him, I thought so, yes.

I think this is one of the benefits of polyamory--of having more than one outlet to express one's sexuality. Especially for people who have high libidos and/or who like to engage in a variety of sexual practices that perhaps don't match up to their partner's. Even people with pretty mild sexual interests and middle of the road sexual drive can tend to get bored with just one sexual partner, even when they are still deeply in love with that person and enjoy a fine sex life with them. This is pretty common actually.

My friend has been in his monogamous marriage for several years. He loves his wife and tells me that they have some decently hot sexual encounters, fairly frequently. Even so, he is starting to get bored because not only is her libido not as strong as his, she isn't as adventurous in bed as he is and she has no interest in going to the places he would like to explore. He has talked to her about his craving for more variety and his desire to open up their relationship but this upsets her to no end and she will have none of it. He doesn't want to cheat on her, or get a divorce. He loves her, enjoys having sex with her, but he is starting to feel confined, bored, and resentful.

I hate the way the monogamous mindset holds a partner sexually captive. And I hate to be cliche here, but who likes to eat the exact same type of food everyday? For most people, that would get very boring very quickly. Monotony sets in and people can start taking each other for granted when things don't get stirred up a bit. The stability of some routine in our lives is comforting and necessary for our mental, emotional and physical health, but also, and please excuse another hackneyed phrase--variety is the spice of life. More than one significant other in our life offers cross pollination. They make life more exciting and more than that, they make us more exciting as individuals. We learn more, grow more, and love more. Different lovers teach us to love differently. And we in turn pass on some of this different loving to our other partner. There doesn't have to be anything "wrong" with one partner/relationship for another partner/relationship to be "right." They can both be right. They can both be beautiful, sexy, enjoyable, special, worthy of our time and love.

So back to this release valve metaphor--having more than one lover can certainly serve to relieve pressure in a relationship because one person doesn't have to be all and do all for you. Having more than one lover tends to encourage more acceptance in each person as an individual with diverse needs, desires, and ways of being in the world. There is no need to focus on some specific lack with one partner/relationship because where one partner doesn't cover it for you, another may provide.

You've heard the saying, it takes a village? What if it takes a bouquet of lovers?

You want to know how it will be,
Me and her, or you and me.
You both sit there, your long hair flowing,
Eyes alive, your mind still growing,
Saying to me: What can we do,
Now that we both love you?
I love you too. I don't really see,
Why can't we go on as three?
"Triad" by David Crosby

Fluttering Within My Chest

I want to be worth the trouble I cause to those I love. Trusting love seems to be tied up with trusting my worthiness to be loved. Trusting my worthiness to love.

Freedom in love requires acceptance of another's choices. But sometimes their choices are like salt on a wound. I'm feeling my love wound.

“There is a thing, like a bird, weak and fluttering within my chest, I cradle it and care for it as anyone should an injured thing, yet, I silently pray for it's death.” Gabriel Swann

Daniel Lanois - Slow Giving