Morning Flower Sex

After setting down my morning cup of soy matcha latte I noticed how pretty the table looked with it and the bouquet of flowers my friend had given me, along with the poly love candle burning so I grabbed my camera and snapped this picture. Then I noticed how outrageously sexy the lilies are--I mean, check these out.
































































Goodness gracious, look at the wetness dripping here

The Women's Auxiliary

On Friday evening I got together with seven women friends that I haven't played with in some time. One of us was missing, on a trip to Ireland. But with eight out of nine of us together, I realized how much I had been missing their company. This is a group of women who I "party" with. It's not a "spiritual" group with any sort of "higher cause" and we don't tend to often talk of anything very deep and meaningful when we are all together. Rather we eat, drink, laugh and crack jokes.

We originally dubbed ourselves "The Pool Girls", as we would meet every Monday night at the best of our local dive bars, a wonderful little Irish Pub, were we would drink, chat,play pool and often organize an upcoming party or event.

Most of our husbands or significant others are musicians who are in bands together so we are often the organizers for benefits and celebrations where one or another of their bands are playing. At one point we were dubbed "The Women's Auxiliary" by one of the particularly often, cranky band members who referred to us with that moniker in a rather unappreciative spirit, but no matter, we rallied to the cause and took ownership of the name with pride.

The "Women's Auxiliary", has never had any lofty goals, we just organically evolved into tight group of friends who kinda just fell into putting a significant amount of time, energy and effort into creating a slew of lovely and successful events for not only ourselves, our family and friends, but also for our whole community. Some of us were more naturally the movers and shakers, the key organizers and leaders of the group who are good at delegating duties to the willing others of us, and as a whole we've done a fine job of working together, being there for each other as well as friends in need, and most of all, creating beautiful times with lots of love shared all around. The Women's Auxiliary rocks!

In a little while Jerry leave for another such party. This one is rather low-key (probably only 50 or so people) and there was no work or organizing except on the part of our one sweet friend who is hosting the party. I'm sure that preparing for this get-together has been difficult for her. It's the first gathering she's had since our dear friend John LaPado died in December when she was immersed in the events (inner and outer) surrounding his death and then his memorial in January. We are off on a stroll down Bittersweet Lane.

My Mommie's Grip Part Two--Plus The Events Of My Day and The Perfect Poly Lover

Wow. This was a fairly crazy, productively fun, little sad, and varied day. It began at 4:30 a.m. when my twenty year old son's friend showed up inebriated outside his bedroom door. This woke both me and Jerry up and neither one of us were able to fall back asleep. I tried to enjoy floating in a meditative state but after awhile I was just annoyed. Jerry had to get up and go to work all day so he was more displeased that I was. So my plan was to sleep in...but I get ahead of myself.

My mother called at 6:45. Usually this call would be waking me up but as I've already explained, I was awake. But before I tell you the nature of her call I suppose I should update you on my recent post called, "My Mommy's Grip", which was actually written in August 2006, almost one year ago.

While I was at Burningman in August/September 2006, my mother took it upon herself to get the ball rolling for her to move out of the retirement home she abhorred. She found an apartment and took the process far enough that it was basically a done deal by the time I returned home. I let it be rather than try to force the issue and make her stay in a place she hated living. I didn't know what was best for her but I did know I that this was going to be one of the last significant and independent choices she was going to be consciously making for herself. I figured it best to allow her to seise her day. I helped her move, hoping for the best. In October she was diagnosed with both Alzheimer's and Conversion Disorder. Here's some background on Conversion Disorder:

Conversion Disorder is one of the Somatoform Disorders (Somato means "body"). Basically it's a psychiatric disorder that manifests in the body. It's characterized by physical symptoms that are related to psychological factors and conflicts rather than any pathological physiologic disorder. Here's some historical background.

The ancient Egyptians attributed somatoform disorders to a "wandering uterus." Rene Descarte studied it back in the 17th century with his "reductionistic " medical model which doesn't interest me and it very boring so I won't write about it ( besides I don't really understand it much to write about it even if I wanted to). In the 18th century the new ideas surrounding disease included "humoral theory" which basically says that the brain influences the organs of the body. This evolved into the 19th century "reflex theory" which says that every organ can influence every other organ independent of the mind. By the end of the 19th century they got deeper into the psychology of it all. In the 20th century Freud influenced this area of study with his psychoanalysis model and then the Behavioral models of psychotherapy described conversion symptoms as "diseases of communication" which I do find interesting but still don't know much about. Freud also coined the meaning of the term conversion to relate to symptoms in the body that arise from repressed emotions. This sounds just like my mother too.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sigmund_Freud
Years ago after all us kids had moved out of the house, my mother started this inner journey work. She was writing poetry and looking at some of her deep shadow stuff. She discussed it with me a little and I was excited for her. She had taken to wearing sunglasses around all the time because she was crying so much. She didn't stick with the process long because she couldn't handle doing the intense inner work while trying to maintain her external life and the associated duties of her job and keeping up the facade of "all is well" for others. She returned to her old way doing things, the tried and true pragmatic pattern of handling both the daily stresses as well as the occasional crisis with a level head and stoic resolve while avoiding as many of the the unpleasant truths as possible. She denied what she refused to look at and repressed her emotions with only occasional outbursts and minor meltdowns.

The current DSM IV R (Diagnostic Statistical manual, 4, revised) explains Conversion Disorder as a loss of physical functioning which is suggestive of a physical disorder along with a clinical indication that it is an expression of psychological conflict or need.

So, back in October 2006. My mom called me one morning and told me she couldn't walk. She was scared and stuck in her chair. She woke up that morning, got dressed, eat breakfast and sat down in her chair. When she tried to get up and walk she couldn't move her feet. When I got there she was very frightened, anxious and depressed. She wanted to go to the hospital. I could get her to stand up just find and she could hold her body weight but it was like her feet were glued to the carpet. I figured it was "all in her mind" but thought it was possible she had had a stroke or something so I called the ambulance and they took her to the hospital for a barrage of blood tests, scans and an MRI. They were amazed at how healthy she was actually was but the MRI showed signed of advanced Alzheimer's and the doctor diagnosed her with Conversion Disorder. She was walking again in a couple of days and we took her home.

That was eight months ago and although she's been taking medication to slow down the process of brain deterioration it's obviously on its course. She very confused and it's sad to watch. She still remembers all of us, she just makes up crazy stories.

So, back to my life yesterday...my mom calls at 6:45 and wants to know when I'm coming over to supervisor the move and take her to the new condominium she bought. I get this call most mornings and I tell her she's not moving, that I'm still sleeping and I'll be over later to see her. She argues with me a bit and then agrees to eat some breakfast and take her medicine and wait for me. I finally fall back to sleep (remember, I've been awake since 4:30) until about 9:30 and I have a 10:30 dentist appointment. I talk with her again as I'm on my way to the dentist and she is very adamant about moving today and threatens to call a taxi if I don't get there soon. I'm adamant too and insist that she not call a taxi, that I will be there after my dentist appointment. As soon as I'm done with the dentist my phone rings and it's my daughter who tells me "Gramma is really angry with you and is going to call a taxi to take her to her new condominium." I tell her I am on my way. I arrive and give her kiss and start cleaning up a bit, checking to see that she eat and took her medicine. She isn't saying a word to me but is obviously upset. My daughter arrives and the three of us sit there with an elephant in the room. I ask her "Are you angry with me mom?" She says she isn't angry but is not happy, that she wants to move and I don't know her business, that I'm the one who is confused. The three of us discuss this for awhile and finally we agree to take her to the condominium she is sure she has bought. She knows the complex and the apartment number. Problem is, when we get there, the apartment number she has given us is too big. She thinks she is moving into number 130 but they only go up to 75. We drive around and she is confused but not ready to leave so we sit in the parking lot for awhile and discuss it. Finally she realizes that this is a futile attempt and she wants to go home. Once home she has calmed down and and it's past lunch time and she wants to take me and my daughter out to lunch. We agree that we all deserve this and we take her to the new vegan raw food restaurant in downtown Chico called Nature's Own.

The name of this place sounds like it should be on a shampoo bottle but the food is outrageous and the ambiance very nice. This is the second time both me and my daughter have eaten there and we plan on going back until we've ordered everything on the menu, and then some. So we order 3 meals and share everything. My daughter and I are overly stuffed and my mom eats every last bite, consuming more than both of us. Then we start talking about the how good we hear the key lime pie is but we don't really want to order it because we are already so full but my mom tells me to order it too. We each take a couple of bites of the pie and she eats the rest of that. She raves about how good the food was all the way home. When I got her back in her apartment she told me she was exhausted, was going to get naked, crawl in bed and take a nap. It's funny, my mom sleeps naked a lot lately. Never in her life before have I known her to do this.

My sweet mommy is losing her grip.

OK, so on with my day. I go home and start working on my CD mix. I had so many songs that it turned into two CDs. Jerry comes home and I light our polyamorous love candle and we start listening to the songs but I had to leave because I had a client--two actually, a couple. So on to my office and they no-show. I walk around the Thursday Night Market and the the streets are packed. Jerry and I meet up and head over to the ChicoPoly meeting that happens at the lounge in Hotel Diamond on the first Thursday of each month. It's crowded in there too but we find a nice table right in front of the piano where some friends of ours are playing jazz. We wait for awhile but no one shows up so we leave and eat dinner elsewhere and head over to the open mic/poetry reading/talent show at The Has Beans Coffee Shop and read a couple of my poems before we head back home. Remember that my office is just three blocks from my house so our adventures are all on foot, in the glorious weather of a cool, early summer night. Lovely.

We head into the bedroom a little after 9:00 with our candle and love songs with lots of time to play before we sleep. And play we do. At one point, Jerry says to me "Tell me what a perfect poly lover is." I tell him "You are baby. You are the perfect poly lover. And me too. I'm the perfect poly lover." "Yes" he says.

The Teachings of Abraham

I'm busy on my computer today downloading lots of CDs for my "Polyamorous Love Songs CD." I'm mixing and it takes a lot of attention so I can't really think much to blog. I've also been cleaning my extra bedroom as a couple of friends are coming from out of town to spend the night and I just found "The Teachings Of Abraham Well-Being Cards" by Esther and Jerry Hicks so I'm going to pick some of my favorite sayings from these cards and post them here today. These sayings are my favorite simply because they resonate with what I have personally experienced and practice on my spiritual journey to knowing both Self and Another. They are the ones that indicate the path that has best served me in my quest for understanding the Truth as I move through my life.

When you find some unwanted thing that you want to shout "NO" at, shout briefly, and then turn your attention to the thing you do want. Any attention to anything is a practicing of the vibration that will bring it unto you.

The "Universal Manager" has the ability to bring everyone a vibrational match to what they are giving their attention to--without depriving anyone else of what they are wanting.

You create with your every thought. By the Universal Law of Attraction (that which is like unto itself is drawn), you are attracting the essence of whatever you are giving your attention to--wanted or unwanted.

If the way you feel depends on anything outside of you, you're in trouble--but if you depend only upon your connection with your own Inner Being, then everything in your experience falls into alignment.

I chose to be here in this glorious physical body. (To be this me has been my choice.)

You chose the opportunity to experience this delicious contrast, and to co-create with other joy-seeking Beings--to fine-tune the process of deliberate thought. (What, where, when, and with whom you create are your choices, too.)

Desire is the beginning of all creation.

In allowing your desire to come to you, you not only gain the satisfaction of having received it--you also gain a whole new perspective from which to desire more.

You were born with a magnificent (emotional) guidance system that lets you know, in every moment, exactly what your vibrational content is, which is being matching by the Law of Attraction.

As it is your desire to feel good, and your practice to choose good-feeling thoughts, only good things will come to you.

As you practice happy thoughts, you practice your connection with Source and Well-being. From your place of being happy--you have access to all that you desire.

I envision more and act less.

As you take the time to find images in your mind that are pleasing, you will more often achieve vibrational alignment with all things that you desire. From that alignment, you will experience more inspired ideas and assistance form others. Inspired action is very satisfying and extremely productive.

That's good for now. I welcome any and all comments/questions/feedback that may inspire me to contemplate more and perhaps write a more in-depth post of this stuff!

My Mommy's Grip

August 2006

My Mommy is 83 years old and losing her grip. It's most difficult because she knows she's losing it. She was always such an independent woman, working eight to five, five days a week, taking care of her three children, buying her own home, caring for her yard and rose garden. She did it all, the best she knew how. And she did a darn good job of it too.

Eight months ago, she sold her home and moved into a retirement home. She doesn't like it there and now wants to move into an apartment. She feels trapped and doesn't like seeing all of the old people wandering aimlessly around. She doesn't like people so close to her business. The transition was hard on her and she hasn't recovered. She wants her house back. The house she lived in for over forty years and raised my brother, my sister and I. It's the house where several of her grandchildren came to live with her at various times over their growing up years.

Really what she wants is her old life back. The life where she took care of herself and was competent. She was always hesitant to rely on others for anything. Now I'm helping her handle most of her business but it's hard for her to just trust me and let go. Basically she just puts up with me meddling in her affairs but she knows enough to know she forgets and is confused. She pulls out all of her financial files and mulls over them continuously, driving herself nuts. She is constantly worried about how much money she has and is convinced she is broke. She's afraid to spend money to get her hair done or to make simple personal expenditures. She keeps waiting for it all to make sense to her, for her memory to come back, to be competent again.

I'm afraid that another move will be too much for her, that the stress will cause her even more confusion and that she will lose more of the little grip she still possesses. I'm not sure she's competent enough to live on her own in her current condition, and then, what if she decompensates more? At the same time, I like to imagine that if she moves into her own apartment that she will be forced to rally to the cause and that she will step up to the plate and reclaim herself, and most of all, find some peace and happiness in her last years.

My eldest daughter takes care of my mom. She visits her almost everyday and takes her shopping and out to lunch. I'm so glad, and relieved, that they have each other. My brother and my sister both live out of town and although they try to visit and call her often, they are busy like I am so they aren't around much. She needs someone on a daily basis and my daughter has taken on that role.

Of course I visit with her often and try to take her on little walks. Sometimes we on the phone six or more times a day. She calls me a lot with questions about her life because she gets so confused. She wants me around more than I am. I get worn out sometimes but I know that I'm blessed that she is still in my life and depends on me. My eldest daughter is blessed too. My other children don't pay her much attention so she will be the one who is left with the memories, the bonding and relationship she developed with her gramma in the last years. I'm glad they have each other.

Taking care of an aging woman who is losing her grip isn't a piece of cake. I'm really grateful that I'm not in this alone. I give thanks for another.

Forgiveness

I've had some issues with forgiveness. I never understood it very well. It's not that I've purposely held on to grudges. I've tried not to in fact, but it's true that I've held on to a few. It's just that forgiveness seemed somehow arrogant, a power I could weld over another by either bestowing forgiveness or not.

The break up with my youngest son's father was ugly. The whole eight year relationship before the break up was ugly. Well, that's not true. There was some love and truth and beauty there. My son for instance. Lots of good, if hard lessons. And more.

I had my dreams about creating a life with him. I loved him a lot. Well, truthfully, no I didn't. I thought I loved him but really I didn't know how to love very well at all. I was very attached to him. I wanted him to give me stuff that he was either unwilling
or incapable of giving. I wanted a committed, intimate relationship with him. I wanted the truth but most of the time I didn't have a clue either on how to tell it, or how to even find it. We both hurt each other and suffered a lot.

He was attractive and intelligent. He was funny and made good word puns. He's a nice person...sometimes. Actually, he wasn't a very nice person a lot of the time. If my best friends were to use one word to describe him I bet they would call him an asshole. That's because they love me and are on my side. They also witnessed me suffering immensely during those eight years and they didn't like the way he treated me.

He was in lots of pain just like I was. I wasn't very nice in my own ways either. I was over my head in the deep end of my life and exhausted from doggy paddling. I needed a strong willing partner and he was neither. Sometimes though he would try really hard to do his part and he'd pull it off. Thing is, we had really different ideas about what his part was. He was in over his head just like I was. And he was angry. Very angry. I was angry too, but mostly I was sad.

We always saw the world so differently. If I saw blue, he saw green. If I though it was funny, he took it seriously. If I thought we should turn left he wanted to turn right. Our life situations were extremely mismatched and he didn't seem to respect me much. He didn't think I respected him either. Once he said to me that what he had to offer me and my children was like "throwing pearls before swine". He used lots of analogies that I hated. I threw that one back in his face several times and he always accused me of taking it the wrong way, out of context. I could never figure out how to take it but as an incredible personal put down. I suppose he meant that his feelings were hurt and he thought we didn't appreciate him for his unique talents. I felt incredibly rejected, unappreciated and victimized by his constant resentment and anger. He always told me he felt trapped and powerless.

But for whatever reason, many reasons, I was in love with him and thought that ours was a relationship made in heaven. I blamed the fact that we were living in hell on the emotional walls he erected, his resistance to love...me...my kids...my overstuffed baggage. No traveling light with this girl. Not at that point in my life.

So, back to forgiveness. Awhile after the breakup, maybe a year, maybe two or more, a card arrived in the mail. It struck me as odd the second I saw it and it made me nervous. It was in a nice envelope and was addressed to me. There was no return address but I thought I recognized his hand writing and I didn't want to go there. I left it on the table unopened for half a day. When I finally opened it I found an angel card inside. It was from him. Inside he wrote very few words. He had been on some inner journey and had some personal work to attend to. It was very simple. No lengthy explanations, just that he wanted me to know that he had forgiven me.

Excuse me? You full of yourself fucker. I was over the top annoyed. The audacity. The gall. How dare he forgive me? I bet your pardon, but if anyone has any forgiving to do here, it's obviously me.

Besides, in my self righteous indignation, my holier than thou elevated consciousness, I knew that forgiveness was a private affair between you and your own heart. You didn't tell another person you forgave them. That was just clueless, conceited, and just plan wrong. "The Idiot's Guide to Forgiveness" would surely tell you that.

Ten plus years have gone by and I've been reading that book I mentioned in an earlier post, "Against the Stream" by Noah Levine. He's talking about forgiveness and I like what he has to say. He quotes from Henry Nouwen, a famous Christian mystic:

Forgiveness is the name for love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven everyday--every hour unceasingly. This is the great work of love among the weak that is the human family.

He goes on to say how "forgiveness is the process and practice of cleaning up the stuff of the past that is sticky." He also talks about taking relational action and releasing our grasp on past pains and betrayals and how often this includes communicating with those whom we have harmed as well as those who have harmed us. He also points out that the most essential aspect of forgiveness is separating the action from the actor. There may be certain actions that are unforgivable but the actor can always be forgiven.

Forgiveness also is an on-going process. It's not like we simply forgive it all in one fell swoop and it's gone forever. Feelings of pain and betrayal, anger and resentment can sweep back in. Making the choice to release and let go is an intentional and on-going commitment. And it doesn't mean that we don't set appropriate boundaries along with our forgiveness. Sometimes it may be inappropriate to communicate to those who have harmed us, or whom we have harmed. It may also be unsafe or somehow unwise to allow them back into our lives. Sometimes it's best to keep our heart open but our door closed.

I understand lots that went wrong with my relationship with my youngest son's father, both while we were together and then long after we had gone our separate ways. Co-parenting seemed to get worst the longer we were apart rather than better. Struggles ensued and if he had truly once forgiven me after the first eight years with the acknowledge in that angel card, I think he built up a whole new arsenal of grievances in the next eight years. I built up several of my own too.

Things still feel sticky between us and I'm sorry about that. But you know what? If he has any forgiveness left to offer me again, I'm willing to accept it now. And I forgive him too.

Polyamorous Love Ritual

Greenwoman was kind enough to post about the Blue Moon last night. She says, "A second full moon in the same calendar month is excitable information for those who like to practice natural magick according to nature's cycles. Most of the time people who practice rituals and prayer meditations called spells use full moons to try to manifest things in their lives and to deepen their relationships with people and nature."

Her post reminded me of a poly ritual I've been wanting to do but hadn't gotten around to and it inspired me to take advantage of some Blue Moon Magic.

Awhile back I had purchased a book called Pagan Polyamory written by Raven Kaldera. I never finished reading the book but in the first chapter there is a "Bring Me Polyamorous Love" spell.

I bought a deep red pillar candle (red for passionate highly sexual love, pink for romantic love, so on and so forth). I also ordered some thin sheets of multi colored beeswax decorating wax, to imbue the candle with intuitive symbols representing the specific type of polylove I desire to bring into my life. I chose to adapt the ritual to my own taste as I've done many candle decorating rituals in the past during "wheel of the year" celebrations I've participated in. The book mentioned using essential oils specific for love magic, colored string, and then allowing the candle to burn down to lots of music (love songs) and dance. I had planned to research specific essential oils and mix a CD of my favorite love songs. After purchasing the candle and beeswax though, they had just sat for months.

Then Greenwoman's post which inspired me once again but then I immediately forgot all about it again until 9:30 last night, the night of the Blue Moon. I asked Jerry if he wanted to do a polylove ritual with me and he agreed. I retrieved the candle and wax, searched for the book with the spell, found some red ribbon and essential oils (ylang ylang and lavendar) and grabbed my damiana aphrodisiac cordial.

We shared a dyad together using the instruction "Tell me what polyamorous love is." which brought up some juicy stuff. Afterwards Jerry put on some woo woo voodo music to invite the gods and goddesses. We decorated the candle and cut the ribbon into two yard length pieces, looped one end around our left wrists and tied the other end around the bottom of the candle. We drank damiana and anointed ourselves with the oils. Then we lit the candle and recited this prayer from the book:

Lady of Love who dances in our hearts,
We call you to this place
In the heart of this dancing flame.
Love flows i this circle in abundance,
Enough and more for many lovers,
And we wish to share it still further.
You who are the magnetism of the universe,
Draw the right lover to these open arms,
And help us to trust in your decision.
You who are the spark of passion,
Let this yearning be a siren call
heard only by the right ears.
Let it able a song in their blood,
A voice in the wind,
That brings them to the light of this circle
And into the love of a family.
We swear than here in this place,
Their unique soul will be appreciated
And the song of their heart desperately needed
to match, and to complement,
The songs that are sung here tonight.

Then we wrapped the ribbon from our wrists around the bottom of the candle and made a little love right there on the floor.

You can burn the candle down all at once or put it out and relight it. We still have more symbols to add to the candle yet and I still want to make up that CD of love songs and dance around while it plays and the candle burns.

I know this probably sounds a little woo woo and corny but ya know what? I love ritual and doing this kinda stuff is fun. I really appreciate Jerry for being such a trooper most of the time and being my willing partner in so much.

Also, I looked up the qualities of Ylang Ylang and discovered it is a powerful aphrodisiac and is associated with the Lover's card in tarot. Lavender is one of my very most favorite herbs. It's known as the universal herb and is good for just about everything.