Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Wanting What Isn't

It's been a hard week and it's only my second day back to work.  I took four weeks off after my mother died.  I wasn't ready to go back.  I felt vulnerable facing people.  Especially with the cards and flowers waiting for me.  It made me nervous.  But I bucked up and maneuvered my way through it.  Then, when I looked at my schedule yesterday I was pleased to see the lunchtime hour was scheduled with prep and on-line counseling.  That meant I had time to go visit my mama.  Oh yeah, except she's dead.

Today I worked on a different campus and it was the same thing, facing people and a card and a gift certificate to get a plant in honor of my mother.  I appreciate these kind gestures and yet it reminds me of how tender I still am. Losing my mama made me an orphan.  And her death has triggered this deep sadness in me and it's broke open wounds that were in the process forming new skin but hadn't completely healed.

I'm really pretty much overwhelmed with sadness, loss, and grief.  I regret not spending more time with my mother when she was younger and healthier, going for walks in the park and having her tell me, just one more time, a story from her life.  I've already forgotten so much and it's difficult to bear, this forgetting.  I feel like I didn't even know her.

One of her photo albums is missing.  I thought there were only four of them but so many pictures aren't to be accounted for.  I can't stand thinking about her pictures that I can't find.  The ones I remember, and the one's I know are gone that I can't recall.  Too much loss.  I'm just really overcome.

I got a massage today after work.  I started crying as soon as I laid down on her mat.  More tears came the moment she touched me.  It's so much to let go of.  I know that this holding on is what is making it hurt so much but I just can't seem to let go.  I don't know how to accept all this loss, to want what is.  I'm attempting to give all this sadness a sacred space without allowing it to devour me.  It feels so all encompassing.  Trying to keep it moving through me and not get stuck in my body and stagnate.  Trying not to be too angry and depressed for wanting what isn't there for me.

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