Freedom Dance

Just back from celebrating with friends in the mountains.  Went to a lovely music festival and shared some love with some good people.

I'm experiencing a lot of freedom today.   And I love my freedom.  Certainly, I still have many chains that bind me to the illusion of pain and suffering but dang, my wings have taken flight, once again.  I am still sad and disappointed over what has transpired between K. and I, but we are processing through it and I'm a lot clearer than I was a few days ago. Plus I'm not taking things so personally in regards to what is up for him cause ya know, we all have our issues and he's working through his just like I'm working through mine.  Just like we all are.  I totally support his process even if I don't necessarily like or agree with the way he chose to present this to me.  But I know he did the best he could, that it wasn't an easy thing for him to do, and that he didn't want, doesn't want, to hurt me.  I know he loves me.  And I love him.  Love is good.

The bottom line is that I am so glad that this all transpired just the way it has and I know there are many more chapters of this story.  Also, I've been hovering of the brink of the abyss for awhile now and K., simply gave me the push I needed to take a great and fucking scary fall into myself.  And I thank him for that.  I think about the only other thing I'm going to say here right now is that K. is not having an issue with perceiving me being old, fat, and smelling bad.  Ha.  Praise the good lord for that!  Always sweet music for a girl's ears.  ;)  If that was his issue I'd just have to say fuck him and move on...well after I had another good long cry of course.

I think I will try to describe what's going on for us, for me, in regards to all of this, by sharing some quotes from When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.  In regards to allowing myself to fully experience my emotions:

When things fall apart and we're on the verge of we know not what, the test of each of us is to stay on that brink and not concretize.  The spiritual journey is not about heaven and finally getting to a place that's really swell. 

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. 

Nevertheless, when the bottom falls out and we can't find anything to grasp, it hurts a lot...Love of the truth puts you on the spot.  We might have some romantic view of what that means, but when we are nailed with the truth, we suffer.  We look in the bathroom mirror, and there we are with our pimples, our aging face, our lack of kindness, our aggression and timidity--all that stuff. 

How we stay in the middle between indulging and repressing is by acknowledging whatever arises without judgment, letting the thoughts simply dissolve, and then going back to the openness of this very moment.  That's what we're actually doing in meditation.  Up come all these thoughts, but rather than squelch them or obsess with them, we acknowledge them and let them go.   

After a while, that's how we relate with hope and fear in our daily lives.  Out of nowhere, we stop struggling and relax.  We stop talking to ourselves and come back to the freshness of the present moment.

So yea, anyway, continuing my practice of staying in the freshness of the present moment.  Acknowledging my hopes and fears in regard to K., and moving on in this beautiful dance of freedom.

Happy Freedom Day everyone!!!

Life is Strange

Take care of myself day.  Made pancakes for my grandbaby and then we walked to his swimming lessons.  Walking back home I decided that a good self pampering was in order, you know, treating myself the way we indulge our lovers to let them know how special they are to us.  And it's a given that we need to be good lovers to ourselves, first and foremost so...  I decided I needed a pedicure and manicure, a new blouse, and to make an appointment with my hair stylist. I stopped by her shop but disappointingly, her first available appointment was next Thursday.  "Oh darn, Rose."  I said, "You know I always do this last minute and I really want my hair done by my birthday which is this coming Wednesday."  She's seeing me today at 3:00! Then I got home and my lovely landlady asked me if I've been losing weight.  I told her "No!"  Then she said, she doesn't know what it is but I look so sexy and beautiful.  Life is so strange.

When Things Fall Apart

My husband texted and told me that he thought I should read When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron and my husband is a smart and intuitive man so after making myself a cup of coffee and checking on my straw bale garden (which isn't doing very well) I sat down and read the first chapter, Intimacy With Fear.  The tears are back.

I already knew that I'm a courageous woman.  Duh.  Pema says, "When I was first married, my husband said I was one of the bravest people he knew.  When I asked him why, he said because I was a complete coward but went ahead and did things anyhow."

My journey with K. has always been a spiritual journey.  Sexual too,yes.  But my sexuality and spiritually are so intertwined there is no separating the two.  So when he said he was no longer sexually attracted to me, I interpreted that and him saying that he is no longer attracted to being on this intimate spiritual journey with me.   Telling a lover that you are not sexually attracted to him is one thing.  Breaking up with them is another.  I'm very unclear about what it is he wants.

My heart calls, always urging me on to persevere through difficult situations such as this in my intimate relationships.

When things fall apart...I think I need to experience the crumbling.

So much more in this first chapter but I need to dry my tears and wake my grandson up and make him pancakes.  He has swimming lessons in an hour!

Love and Fear

Awake again too early after hours of tossing and turning.  Good solid sleep evades me.  My mind is restless.  My heart hurts but the numbness that saves has settled in.

 It's like the rug as been pulled out from underneath me.

Yesterday was a good day all things considered.  I worked my last day of the summer at the college and I'm so relieved to put that behind me for awhile.  I picked up my grandson after work for an overnight visit and took him to see Green Lantern in 3D.  It was tough for me to sit though but he really enjoyed it and I feigned pleasure afterwards as he went on and on about his favorite parts and asked me about mine.  A couple of the themes in the movie were will versus fear and running away from the things we love which gave me something to occupy my mind while the silliness ensued on the big screen before me.  I also pondered love and fear and how it's impossible to do both at the same time.  I've surely been vacillating back and forth between those too polarities a lot these last few days.  After the movie we enjoyed a nice dinner on the outside patio where my husband plays music every Thursday night and then stopped by for a visit with my son and two grandkids who are here for the summer from out-of-state.

I'm realizing how much I've been depending on my relationship with Lover Who Is Not My Lover Two (really not resonating with calling him this and think I should stop.)  He's been standing in the center of what has become an important part of my life,  and now he's no longer comfortable in that position.  This place I've found with him and his...has served mostly as an extension of my joy, but as I'm becoming more aware of now, has also been a refuge from the storm.

It's not like I don't have my husband to depend on.  He is my rock, my heart, my home.  My life depends on him.  But ya know, I'd found another comfortable place to rest my head and now the pillow has been pulled out from underneath.  I feel liked a toddler who is being weaned against her will, "I know this will be hard on you and I want you to know that Mama still loves you, but no more nice warm milk from the soft tit. Here's a hard cup to drink your cold milk from." My immediate reaction was wanting to rest my head on R.'s shoulder and have her hold and comfort me but she isn't around.

My mama's dying has been hard on me.  My mama isn't dead.  She is dying.  She is living in both worlds.  My eldest son is going through an especially rough time right now and his immense pain is breaking my heart.  Then my daughter's cancer.  My friend dying of prostate cancer.  And I really miss my Lulu who is in Guadalajara with her father for the summer.  I worry about her.  When K. hit me with this it's like my house of cards came tumbling down.  I'm a strong woman too.  I can shoulder a lot of burdon. I keep on keeping on.  But I feel on the verge of crumbling.

And I have a damn good, happy life...

Exhausted with Dispassion

I'm exhausted and want to sleep but here I am awake before the sunrise and have been for a couple of hours.  When I got up yesterday morning I looked a hundred years old with my puffy eyes and wrinkles.  Of course I had spent the whole day before crying.  No crying yesterday.  I felt mostly sad but actually had a pretty fine day.  All that writing helped me move a lot of emotions through my body.

It was strange, after writing about all that self loathing body image stuff I actually felt good being in my body yesterday.  Better than I have in a while.  Last night I was invited out for drinks and dinner with seven women friends that I rarely see.  One friend who has been living in Burma but is in the midst of moving to Ecuador was here visiting and another was here from Brazil.  I was sitting at this table with all these adventurous, creative, smart, sexy women and I realized I was there in my own adventurous, creative, smart, sexy self.  I was subdued no doubt, not quite on my game, but I was present and happy.  As crazy complicated as we women are, being in each others presence makes things so easy and obvious sometimes.  I was with my tribe.

I'm noticing that I feel quite dispassionate and it seems as if I've closed down my heart in order to not feel the all the mixed emotions.  Sadness.  Anger.  Confusion about things that just aren't sitting right that I don't have the energy to sort out.

A Nice Snuggle

Writing here these last couple of days has been so helpful in processing such intense emotions.  I've felt so relieved ever since writing that last post--really released a lot.  Plus my husband sent me a very touching email after he read it.  My pain upsets him and his words were very sweet and soothing.  I haven't cried all day since first reading rootsdown's comment to one of my previous posts early this morning.  Boy have I havee been triggered in a place that has some gnarly and tenacious roots shooting down into some dark woundedness.

My heart is very vulnerable and open at this moment.  My feelings are vacillating between love, fear, anger, sadness, annoyance, hurt...love.

I worked all day but had a nice break for lunch and took a long walk.  On my way home I stopped by Lover Who Is Not My Lover's office--not to be confused with Lover Who Is Not My Lover Two.  He was on a business call so I curled up on his couch and took a little nap.  When he got off the phone he came and took my boots off and curled up on the couch with me, intertwining his legs with mine.  We shared a soft and gentle space, catching up on one another's lives a bit.  I haven't seen him in awhile and wanted to connect, plus I needed a friend to snuggle with.  I didn't tell him about this drama I'm going through right now and really didn't want to talk about it at that point so I was relieved that he didn't ask about K. because he usually does.  

Feeling Smeagoly

The truth is that the sexy me as been feeling trapped and stifled inside all the fat I'm carrying on my body right now.  My clothes don't fit, and I've been feeling uncomfortable in my body.  Standing in front of a mirror has been miserable.  And once again I'm faced with the reality of how much I depend on the men in my life to help me feel validated and sexy.  Fortunately, I've had a lot of affectionate men over the years that have been willing to accommodate that need.  I get my fair share of compliments and expressed desire directed toward me that it keeps me afloat when my inner Golem attacks.  But I have a tendency to want it from one particular man (needing it from my husband is a given) and that currently would be LWINMLT.

I have a fond memory of a lover who always dated big women.  I paled in comparison to most of the women he was attracted to.  Talk about carrying lots of extra fat around on their bodies, they had it going on.  What I really loved about being in bed with him was the way he viewed and touched my body, especially my belly.  He would grab a hold of my tummy fat and I could sense the extreme pleasure and satisfaction it gave him.  This man was young, smart, talented, and handsome with a firm sexy body so that made it all the better.

Sex with my husband is like that.  He has always been loving and accepting of my body along with being verbally validating.  I was comfortable in my body with him from the get go because he made it so obvious how attracted he was to me.  Of course, I was quite thin and feeling very sexy in my body when we got together so his validations just added to my already positive body image.

Within my eight year relationship with the father of my youngest child, I never received any sort of  positive verbal validation or proclamations of love.  But I knew he was highly attracted to me sexually and he wanted a lot of sex.  He said that I was the only woman he had very been with that wanted as much sex as he did and he did proclaim his love for that!  Our sex life was great and it kept me in that relationship longer than I should have otherwise stayed.  Finally, when I was in the process of leaving him, he started offering verbal confirmations about how much he loved me and loved my body.  Too little too late.

As I write here now I'm reminded of how private and protective I felt about my relationship with LWINMLT when we first became lovers and it's really the reason I stopped posting on this blog. Of course I've written some about our relationship but not a lot.  There is more I could say along the lines of my body image and  having him as a lover but I find now that I'm still feeling private and protective of that intimate dynamic.  I realize there are things I should disclose to him personally.

Bottom line is of course, I'm so much more than my body.  So much more than my sexuality.  So much more than who is loving or not loving me.  I know this.  That said though, my love relationships, my sexual partners, and my body image, are all tied up in whatever it is I'm doing here in this life.  I feel most comfortable in a thin body.  I feel more at home, attractive, creative, in touch with my true essence, when I'm not carrying around extra weight.  And I feel so much freer.  And of course, even if I am carrying around extra weight, when I'm feeling good about myself and my life, when I'm managing my stress level, staying balanced and in the flow, and connected and happy in my relationships with those I love most, then I'm more able to stay in touch with these feel good parts of myself, regardless.  And I'm not even hitting on the other aspects of getting older that have nothing to do with being fat or thin.  Getting old is not for sissies, I've been struggling here and it's like LWINMLT pushed me over into the abyss.

I know that a big piece of what's going on for me right now is my age old abandonment issue with my father who left before I was born. I identified with being broken and worthless for a good portion of my life, all based on the fact that I wasn't worth it for him to hang around.  I have healed so much of this woundedness on my own over the years, and also within my relationship with my husband.  But I find that I'm still bringing men into my life to help me dig up more of the pain, to be worked through on an ever deepening level.  I feel very abandoned by LWINMLT.  Not totally abandoned.  He is still in my life.  But the way he chose to deal with this issue of falling out of sexual attraction with me really hurts.  I am just so sad.  A let's put sex on the back burner until we figure this out approach, would have felt a lot more reasonable to me.  You know, a temporary sexual hiatus while we assess what's going on and see how things evolve.  I still would  have cried and felt like shit but it would have been a much better route for me. I want to talk more about his insights (or lack of) as to why he isn't sexually attracted to me, if there is a why to get to the bottom of.  I'm left wondering how deeply this goes.   Is he repulsed by the sight of me?  Does touching me disgust him?  I don't really think this is the case but that's where my pain body takes me.  I do want to know just exactly how long has this been going on.  I've worked with lots of couples and I know there are a variety of reasons why this happens in a relationship.  Sometimes it's lasting but more often it's not.  I had my, I'm fat and therefore not sexually attractive button pushed but that may not be his reason.  Maybe it's my wrinkles, my stretch marks, my age, my smell...all of the above, none of the above.  I didn't ask him because I was so overcome with emotion that I couldn't bear to hear more details that might push me over the edge at that point.  We were in a public place.  I wanted his story, his truth of the moment, but dealing with something like this takes more than one setting, public or private.  Maybe he doesn't know the reason, as it is often hidden from the conscious mind.  There are many components to sexual attraction and sometimes it's just not there with another and there is no need to bother with the reason.  I'm sexually attracted to very few people.  But the fact that he was attracted to me and now isn't, speaks to something that has come up within our relationship.  And relationships change.  There are no real binding contracts, even in a marriage.  People get divorced all the time.  And we aren't married.  But we are going on 3 years together and I want more than this.  I want better than what I was offered.  I think I deserve better

I feel like I've been thrown out with the trash.  Or maybe it's more like I've been set out on the curb for a thrift store pick up.  "Surely someone else will be able to use her.  She's not all that bad."  I know that's not really fair.  Or real.  But it's the way I feel right now.