Lucinda Williams - Knowing

I didn't know
what love meant before
I didnt know
what you had waiting for me in store
I didnt know
that I'd be finding out so much more
about the knowing
and the knowing is all there is
about yes
and yes, this is it
I didnt know
I didn't know
what precious time would make
I didnt know
how fragile a kiss could seem
I didnt know
that finally all of dawn is trained
about the knowing
and the knowing is all there is
about yes,
and yes, this is it
I didn't know
I didn't know
I'd never look at life the same
I didn't know
until i walked with you in the rain
I didn't know
until i found out you felt the same
about the knowing
and the knowing is all there is
about yes
and yes, this is it
I didn't know
I....didn't know
until together we lay
I didn't know
until you touched my soul that day
I didn't know
that you would teach me in your own way
about the knowing
and the knowing is all there is
about yes
and yes, this is it
i didnt know
i didnt know
i...didnt know

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My Bleeding Heart Again

A situation came up recently that has given me the opportunity to contemplate the sacred heart, a symbol of divine love, along with the bleeding of the sacred heart, a symbol of rejection.

I walked in on a lovemaking session between my lover and his other lover and in the process I was greeted with, let's say, less than enthusiastic open arms. I wasn't treated in an overtly rude way, it was more like a strained politeness that all but screamed that my presence was an obvious intrusion and that I wasn't welcome. The interaction threw me off balance as I had never experienced that sort of reaction before and I ended up moving through a whole spectrum of emotions, first feeling awkward, then annoyed, then angry, and then realizing how hurt my feelings were. My divinity had been rejected, my heart was pierced by negligence and was bleeding.

It's not that I don't want my lovers to have privacy with other lovers, because I certainly do. I want that for myself too. And yet, circumstances in life are such that the potential of someone entering into another's private space are sometimes nearly unavoidable. So in this particular incident, I entered into the private and sacred sexual space that two others were sharing and it didn't go over well.

When all is said and done I understand that what was most important to me in this particular incident, in the moment it all transpired when I stepped into the private, sacred, sexual space that two others were sharing--was to have my divine heart as well as my physical presence and respectful intention towards them to be recognized and treated as just as sacred as anything they were experiencing in their dyadic union. I wanted to be lovingly received. I'm a reasonably polite person, and it's not like I was barging in on them to crash their party and attempting to turn what they had going on into a threesome (well maybe if I was invited ;).

Thing is, I share and help create sacred space for these two. I support their relationship. I'm open hearted and welcoming of their love.

So I gave them their space and dealt with my initial emotions on my own and then dealt with my perceived transgressor alone, just the two of us, and now the three of us have discussed what happened, insights have been revealed and all is good. It helps being a fairly mature, emotionally well balanced, adult (most of the time) when dealing with love relationships that are bound to get a little complicated and sticky at times.

This has got me thinking again about the type of polyamory I am most interested in--and that's family style. I know that some couples have an open door/open bed policy within their sexual loving relationships. This open door policy might mean that bedroom doors are always considered open, even when closed and one partner might walk in and out at will regardless of what's going on. An Open Bed policy might mean that when two lovers are in bed sleeping, cuddling, or making love, that a third is always welcome to join them, no questions asked. So if say I was feeling particularly vulnerable or lonely and in need of company, I would know that I was always welcome, no matter what. And although this isn't necessarily what I'm (only) looking for in all of my love relationships, I have had a lover like this in my life before, where we were a triad and so close, so family, that of course this was the policy, it was never negotiated, never a question that it would be otherwise. In fact, in this particular relationship it wasn't that one or the other of us had to feel vulnerable or lonely to join the other two, if the three of us were together, the three of us were together, simple as that.

And I understand that not everyone wants this type of closeness amongst their various lovers, and I don't demand having it this way (I try to not demand anything from those I love) it's what I most prefer. I want a family of sexually open and loving others who also seek this type of relating. Again, it's not that I don't appreciate some quality one on one time for emotional bonding and sex because I do and I think every relationship needs a fair amount of that. Definitely, that is sweet and special stuff that feeds a relationship well. But family time with different lovers and their other partners and kids and crises and all the messy stuff that comes up in life with everyone trying their best to love each other with kindness and compassion, that is what makes it most real for me.

Love not Hate

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Samhain/Day of the Dead

I've been a tired puppy all day. We got home about 2:00 a.m. which means I was running around and dancing in 3 inch heels for six hours and my feet were so sore I could barely walk into the house. We slept in until 10:00 when a nice man from the hall where the party was held called Jerry's cell phone to let him know he had found my cell phone under the stage. We had searched that place high and low for my phone--how in the heck did it end up under there? I got up and dressed slowly as my body felt like I was one of the walking dead. After picking up my cell phone we went out to breakfast at The Sin Of Cortez where they serve some of the best coffee in town besides my friend Bobbie's coffee cart at the Saturday Farmer's Market. I was in some desperate need of a good cup of Joe. Hey, maybe Sarah Palin should start smoozing up to good ole Joe Coffee if she really wants to impress the American public. After breakfast I went to visit my mommy.

She was in bad shape when I arrived. The first thing she said to me was "What are you doing here? You've got to help me, they are trying to kill me. Get me out of this place now, before it's too late. I sat down with her and she was fairly angry with me for not rushing her out the door. Within a few minutes she informed me that I had waited too long to rescue her, and now it was too late. So I just sat with her for awhile and then got some lotion and massaged her legs and feet which is one of her favorite things and that calmed her down after awhile. She was feeling pretty peaceful by the time I left.

I came home and my neck and back were really hurting so Jerry gave me a great massage and then we napped together for a little while until I got up and soaked in a warm bath. Jerry warmed us some soup and toast for dinner and then my friend D. came by and we walked downtown to The Blue Room Theatre to see a play celebrating Irish Halloween called Samhain. Samhain is the time when the veil that separates the two worlds is lifted. In the play a wiccan priestess recited the 7 universal truths of the Celtic tradition that lead to enlightenment. I appreciated this little gem in the play and hoped I could find them with google to share in this post but nothing came up for me. Darn.

Here's a few fun pictures from the party last night.

1. Me as a Switch.
2. Part of our Day of the Dead altar with a picture of my grandmother, Mary Jane and R.'s grandma Sweetie.
3. Angel of Death
4. Alter with my lovely skeleton and pictures of Coleen Jarvis, Danny West, Joe Bisignani (who I was scared to, but just the same, loved to dance with) and John LaPado.
5. Jerry as Jon Ben Jova accepting his 3rd place prize for best costume.
6. Jon Ben Jova and my friend Sandra as Frida Kalho. She looked incredible but my darn camera refused to flash the several times I attempted to take her picture.
7. My son O. as the Joker