Over the Edge

The picture sent me over the edge.
What the fuck is it that I'm trying to hang on to?
The emotional investment is just not equitable.

A Helium Balloon

My tears are so close to the surface, waiting for any excuse to break through.  Today I went to work and did my job.  I helped my students while having no real connection to being there.  I have no grounding.  No connection.  I feel like a helium balloon, floating, tethered by a string.  I don't belong there.  I don't want to be there--and I can tell that people notice.  It's not a bad experience.  I'd just rather not.  After work today I got another massage.  The touch is a good excuse to for my tears to flow.

Lifting

If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.
--Lao Tzu


I notice the depression lifting
     as I release my grasp on the past
          and find my footing in the moment.


I relax into the peacefulness of what is
     remembering that my ego has the habit
          of thinking it knows what will make me happy.


That feisty, faulty, friend
     telling scary stories to my vulnerable heart
                 always striving to keep the pain alive.

Heavy Cloak of Bla

I'm not going to say I'm depressed because that would be identifying with it as who I am.  But it's official.  I am most definitely experiencing depression.  It's a lousy space to be in.  I'm still functioning.  Barely.  I'm not bedridden or stuck in couch potato mode...well kinda I am.  But I'm puttering around the house engaging in this and that but accomplishing very little.  I'm on the verge of crying but really don't want to go there so I'm ignoring the deepest feelings that reside underneath this heavy cloak bla.

Wanting What Isn't

It's been a hard week and it's only my second day back to work.  I took four weeks off after my mother died.  I wasn't ready to go back.  I felt vulnerable facing people.  Especially with the cards and flowers waiting for me.  It made me nervous.  But I bucked up and maneuvered my way through it.  Then, when I looked at my schedule yesterday I was pleased to see the lunchtime hour was scheduled with prep and on-line counseling.  That meant I had time to go visit my mama.  Oh yeah, except she's dead.

Today I worked on a different campus and it was the same thing, facing people and a card and a gift certificate to get a plant in honor of my mother.  I appreciate these kind gestures and yet it reminds me of how tender I still am. Losing my mama made me an orphan.  And her death has triggered this deep sadness in me and it's broke open wounds that were in the process forming new skin but hadn't completely healed.

I'm really pretty much overwhelmed with sadness, loss, and grief.  I regret not spending more time with my mother when she was younger and healthier, going for walks in the park and having her tell me, just one more time, a story from her life.  I've already forgotten so much and it's difficult to bear, this forgetting.  I feel like I didn't even know her.

One of her photo albums is missing.  I thought there were only four of them but so many pictures aren't to be accounted for.  I can't stand thinking about her pictures that I can't find.  The ones I remember, and the one's I know are gone that I can't recall.  Too much loss.  I'm just really overcome.

I got a massage today after work.  I started crying as soon as I laid down on her mat.  More tears came the moment she touched me.  It's so much to let go of.  I know that this holding on is what is making it hurt so much but I just can't seem to let go.  I don't know how to accept all this loss, to want what is.  I'm attempting to give all this sadness a sacred space without allowing it to devour me.  It feels so all encompassing.  Trying to keep it moving through me and not get stuck in my body and stagnate.  Trying not to be too angry and depressed for wanting what isn't there for me.

Fasting, Back Pain, and the Elusive Sleep

I had the bright idea to start a fast during Lent.  The idea had been mulling around in my head for awhile and I had pretty much picked the upcoming weekend as our starting point.  It was just going to be a one day fast on ginger and myers lemon tea.  This mixture is good inflammation and making one's blood more alkaline, plus I have a myers lemon tree in my yard.  After the initial first day, the plan was to move on to miso soup and then fruits and vegetables and green smoothies for a week and then add some gluten free grains back in after that.  H had agreed, not wholeheartedly, but never-the-less agreed, to do the fast and diet change along with me.  Besides the fast, this diet is more or less just a stricter version of how we already eat, minus the  treats, cream and sugar in our coffee and tea, alcohol, and various slips and slides.  We have been mostly vegetarian for years (eating a little fish and eggs here and there), mostly organic and GMO free.  Pretty health conscious without being fanatical.  We love good food.  We also like diary products but don't overdo on them too much.  I love raw, organic, cream, butter, and cheese.  We've been doing mostly gluten free for awhile  but we let that go while we were in Italy.  We also take like supplements like D3, ubiqiunol, zyflamed, probiotics,  and yada fucking yada.  But H has been dealing with some health issues and I thought we should really get serious and try to turn this around, and I wanted this for myself as well.  So a little fasting and diet switch-a-roo to get on track healthwise.  

Wednesday of last week, H came home from work not feeling well.  On Thursday he came home from work early, sick with a cold--congestion, sore throat and body aches.  On Friday he stayed home from work.  It was a slow morning on Friday and by the early afternoon neither one of us had eaten or drank anything but the ginger lemon tea I had just made up, in preparation for our fast day.  I thought, hey, H is sick, we might as well start our fast today.  H reluctantly agreed, he was too sick to argue.  By Friday night and many cups of ginger lemon tea later, we both felt like shit and went to bed.  It was at this time that I recalled the stupidity of fasting along with detoxing from coffee.  That it doesn't work well for me is an understatement.  I was able to sleep for awhile but soon I was up with a throbbing headache, intense backache and the dry heaves.  The dry heaves were gone by morning but the back ache and headache remained.  We continued drinking our tea...H was still really sick. My whole body ached and my back was killing me but I dragged myself outside and walked to the farmers market.  I actually felt much better outside.  It was a beautiful, warm, day with a slight breeze.  I stocked up on some fruits and vegetables and then went home and lazed around with a back ache for the rest of the day.  In the evening I made miso soup for dinner and took a short walk in the park with a friend.  By Saturday night I was crying in pain.  The back pain just wouldn't let up and I was hurting so bad I couldn't sit down--only pace around the house exhausted.  I didn't want to take the old Vicodin I had but by midnight I was so worn out  and frantic from the pain I took a pill and a hot bath and was able to sleep for 4 hours.  I woke up in excruciating pain and took another pill which allowed me to fall back asleep for another 2 hours.  After that,  I spend the day nauseous from the Vicodin along with the back pain.

I took another long hot bath late Sunday morning and got out feeling fairly decent.  A friend called me to walk and since my back felt best when walking, it sounded like a good idea but by the time I arrived at the park to meet him, my back was throbbing in pain and I was nauseous again.  The fresh air, walking and talking helped. I was pretty sick but glad to be distracted.  I was actually able to sit on the grass for awhile and visit.  I felt pretty okay for a little bit.

Home again, I spent the rest of the afternoon in and out the bath and then made soup for dinner.  Then in and out of the bath some more, alternating with walking around the house crying because I was so tired and miserable.  Then I had the thought that my colon wasn't dealing well with the toxic release from the fast and so maybe an enema would help.  It did!  I emerged pain free from the bathroom.  I was so relieved.  Within half an hour the back pain had returned with a vengeance.  I took an Alleve and  didn't sleep a wink, actually didn't go to bed all night but moved back and forth between the bathtub and couch alternating the heating pad with ice, and my yoga ball.

Monday morning H got up to go to work and I made us green smoothies.  I made myself a massage appointment and then spent the rest of my time in and out of the bathtub until it was time for my massage in the afternoon.  It helped a little.  Maybe a lot but I still hurt.  Bad.  H came home early, still not recovered from his cold.  I made us cauliflower, sauteed mustard greens with onions, and sauerkraut for dinner along with applesauce and soaked almonds for dessert.  I was hungry.  But my fucking back was still hurting.  I took another Alleve early in the evening and then an Advil before H went to bed.  I spend another night in and out of the bathtub, on the couch with the heating pad or ice and my yoga ball.  I was able to doze off a couple of times during the night and got about an hour of sleep.

Today my back is even better.  I tried another enema, I assume they help some.  Only one long hot soak in the bathtub this morning.  I stayed pretty busy all day, not over extending myself but I'm most comfortable (i.e. not hurting like hell) when I'm walking.  Right now I'm sitting on the couch with the heating pad and my back is screaming.  But I'm so tired.  I had quite a bit of energy today and I made us a nice dinner of butternut squash, grilled artichokes, sliced tomato and avocado.  But I'm done in.  It's back to the bath I guess.  I'm using Espsom salt to help pull toxins out of my body.  I get another massage tomorrow.  God I hope I can sleep tonight.