My Own Fodder

Inspiration for writing comes with a cost.  I become my own fodder.  And the story of my life unfolds.  On one hand, I'm a messed up, emotionally immature person just like everyone else.  A flawed human being trying to find my way.  On the other hand, I have my models that I emulate.  My heroes that I aspire to follow.  The ones that serve others with open-hearted gracefulness.  The creative, successful, happy ones with love that sorta oozes out of them.  I glean from each one, picking and choosing the qualities that serve me best.  I copy them.  I pretend.  I fake it until I make it.  And over the years,  I've found that I have made it in some ways, that I've arrived--if not setting any records, I've at least crossed the finish line in a respectable time.  I've discovered that in some things, I'm my own best model, that some of what I've learned has become second nature, that I've gained a fair amount of emotional maturity and wisdom myself.  And with this, I know how little I know.  And I know how I'll never really "get there".  This is a life long journey. 

Here's the fodder for this writing. Recently I experienced a trigger that set off some post traumatic stress (PTS).  I panicked.  I blew things out of proportion.  I listened to the stories my wounded ego was telling me.  I felt the emotions that had been released in my body.  I didn't really believe the stories but I still laid around with my feelings hurt, feeling depressed and sorry for myself.  To top it all off, I was embarrassed.  I'll be 56 years old in one week and experiencing these uncomfortable emotional gyrations annoyed me.  I felt silly--that at my age I should be over having these these ridiculous reactions.  I should be more mature.  More enlightened.  And I knew it would all pass soon and I would be relieved of my ego running amok, but soon wasn't soon enough. 

The original trigger was Lover Who Is My Lover not wanting to spend time with me because he was too tired.  I understood his tiredness was legitimate, and regardless, he certainly didn't owe it to me, to choose to spend time with me in that moment.  But my feelings were still hurt.  After all, I was exhausted myself and I still wanted to spend time with him.  But underlying my disappointment that he wasn't giving me what I wanted, was another tender spot, which his denial to meet my needs of the moment uncovered. 

There was a large gathering of woman that I had not been invited to.  Many of my women friends were there and I was not.  This particular gathering has been going on for many years and I have never attended.  Over the years, I had been invited several times but it just never worked for me to go.  Eventually the invites stopped coming and I'm not sure whether my lack of participation offended the hostess or more likely, I'm simply not in her mind much as she is a person I seldom run into.  It's probably a bit of both.  Whatever the case may be, it's never been something I've thought too much about, it wasn't a big deal to me...until recently, when I got the inkling that I wanted to be a part of this gathering. The obvious problem is, I haven't been invited.

One thing that is so ridiculous is that I'm so not left out.  I have an abundance of friends and I'm invited to more gatherings and parties than I can reasonably attend.  I really have the good fortune to get to pick and choose between many options.  My life is abundant with friends, gatherings, and being a part of.  I'm included and loved.  It's not like I'm sitting at home alone, bored.  Ha.  I was the other night!

I mentioned PTS and sometimes it kicks in.  There have been times in my life when more often than not, I was sitting alone at home, bored.  As a young girl this happened to me a lot.  I was alone and felt friendless much of the time.  I was often left out.  I had a fairly sad childhood and I was emotionally neglected.  I had an over abundance of unmet childhood needs.  So this trigger happened and I was overly upset.  I knew I was experiencing PTS and that my reaction outweighed the circumstance but there is was and no reasoning with the emotions I was feeling.  I felt abandoned and that was that.

So I sat with it.  I slept with it.  And I woke up with a lingering, depressed sense of it.  And then Lover Who Is My Lover called and we talked for a few minutes and I noticed it was gone.  I didn't tell him what I had been experiencing because it felt silly, my truth of the moment that wasn't true at all.  Besides, it's awkward to talk about those things on the phone sometimes.

But later in the day I thought that I should share this with him, allow myself to be vulnerable and tell  him about my silliness and the role he played as my trigger.  Part of me found it necessary to expose myself because I'm hesitant to do so.  I have a little PTS around telling him my emotions and causing him stress with my drama.  We have a little past here...but I don't want to buy into my fear of telling him the truth.  I want him to know me as I am, even though it sometimes scares me to reveal myself.  So I wrote him and told him my wounded ego story.  And he hasn't responded back yet.  And so now I notice that fear of self exposure, about being an imperfect person with flaws and PTS.  Well, welcome to the human race.  Welcome to me, Lover Who Is My Lover.

Boundaries Based on Lies

Tonight Pema and I gave our first talk in a monthly series of Conscious Relationships, Conscious Sex talks called Sexuality as a Spiritual Path.  I think it went very well.  Twelve people showed up, 8 women and 4 men.  Today I read from a book called, The Enlightenment Imperative, given to me by my friend Lena.  It's written by, The Syntropy Group and edited by Mary Beth Brangun & James Heddle.  It's my opinion that the book isn't very well written.  The words are static and there is no fluidity to the reading.  When I finish with a short paragraph, I never know what I've read.  I have to back track and break it down.  But the information is good.  I like what they say about sexual maturity as "...an attitudinal maturation that recognizes and affirms the many forms that loving, openhearted, mutually affirming, and nurturing relationships can take."  I will write more on this later but for tonight I'm tired and need to curl up next to my husband and sleep.  And dream.

I worked on my Solstice Image Box some more tonight and added my second image.  It's an old Eastern Indian art picture of Radha Krsna that I found in my storage that I planned on burning in the solstice fire.  But then the image called to me, so I saved it.  Tonight, after the talk it seemed even more fitting, representing my passion for all that polyamory means to me--an opportunity for transcending the constraints of my wounded ego, boundaries of jealousy and possessiveness I have built, based on lies.  This divine couple represent celebration of the erotic and the cultivation of love, open-heartedness, kindness, compassion, and the shared pleasure of lovers which is the foundation of spiritual evolution.

Celebrating Summer Solstice with Squirrel

Yesterday, part of my summer solstice celebration was cleaning out my storage unit.  I sorted through a lot of clutter in the heat of the day and found much to give away--actually, I've decided to have a yard sale and add the proceeds to my traveling fund.  My passport is neatly tucked away and my accounts are growing.  This process of digging in and sorting through, felt very cleansing and I found a few objects to use in the little little summer solstice celebration I did with Lover Who Is My Lover's wife.  B. made up a lovely altar and we created some ritual.  It was very nice.  I made an image box for the year--my plan is to add an image each day of the year.  While digging through my storage I found a box full of old tarot decks and animal medicine cards.  As I was looking at the pictures I resonated with the squirrel card and knew instantly that Squirrel was my image of the day.

Squirrel energy is a great gift.  It is about gathering and planning ahead, being prepared.  It's about loving myself enough to gather the goods that will meet my needs in the times ahead.  It's about honoring the future by readying myself for change in the present.

Squirrel energy is also about lightening my load of the many possessions that no longer serve me.  It's about getting rid of clutter.  Not only the clutter in my storage unit but also the clutter in my body and mind.  There is a delicate balance to gathering.  Collecting what is most valuable to me currently while preparing for my future and to keep the energy of what I'm gathering circulating so I'm not hoarding.

One valuable lesson from squirrel is about preparing for anything by observing the obvious.  It's about accepting reality as it is, and responding to what life offers me.  It's about protecting what I gather and keeping it in the safest place--an uncluttered mind and heart.  It's about gathering what is most valuable--wisdom and caring, peace and love.

Credit is due to Jamie Sams & David Carson, who wrote, and Angela C. Werneke who illustrated, Medicine Cards--The Discovery Of Power Through The Ways Of Animals, for these squirrel ponderings, as I've basically paraphrased what they have written.  Here's a direct quote, a poem from the book:

Squirrel...
You have gathered
Nuts by the score,
Exactly predicting
If you'll need more.

Teach me to take
No more than I need.
Trusting Great Mystery
To harvest the seed.

My Gogo

Today is my Gogo's birthday. She is 34 years old. Happy Birthday daughter. I hope this year brings you an abundance of all good things.

Peace and love.

Govinda Jaya was born June 17, 1976. She was a bi-centennial baby.  She was my second child, born at home with her father, David, and her older brother, Brandyn in attendance.  We called Brandyn, Damodara at the time.  The name means, he who is bound by the ropes of love.  He was four and a half years old when he saw his sister be born.

Govinda's name came to us during my pregnancy when we were listening to some devotional music.  It was the Hindu chant, Govinda Jaya Jaya, Gopal Jaya Jaya.  Radha Ramanahari, Govinda Jaya Jaya, which means:  All glories to Govinda (Krsna).  All gories to Gopal (Krsna).  All glories to Hari (Krsna) who is Radha's (foremost gopi--cowherd girl, girlfriend, from Vrndavan) lover.  Inspired by the music,  my friend Debi, who was living with us at the time said "Govinda Jaya"  that's a good name for the baby!  I immediately agreed, whatever gender.

Govinda Jaya was born at approximately 7:00 in the evening.  We forgot to look at clock immediately, obviously caught up in the moment.  She was born en-caul, with the amniotic sac still intact, but after birthing a big bubble of the sac, we popped it.  I had hear that being born with the amniotic sac still intact, encaul, was an auspicious sign but I've since learned that being born en-caul is different than being born with a caul (born a caulbearer child) which is considered significant and auspicious in several ways.

My labia was torn during the birth of her head and it was a deep tear, way up close to my clit.  I never had it sewn up.  The only way I could pee without excruciating pain for several weeks was by getting into a bathtub full of water, which diluted my urine enough so as to diffuse the sting.

I nursed her for awhile and then an hour or two after she was born she had her first bath, totally submerged into a full bathtub of water.  Govinda never cried at birth but her first cry came when she was removed from her bathwater.  She had a bath nearly everyday and everyday this was the only time she ever cried.

It was a sweet birth.  Quiet.  Peaceful.  Our home and family was full of love.  For a while.

Happy Birthday love you to Govinda Jaya Devi Dasi.

Love,  Mom