Jenny Block: Author of Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage

Sweetie

Sweetie died today. She's my best friend's grandma and she lived a long life. She was 97 years old! Ah, Sweetie, I'm glad you were here and I'm glad you found your time to move on. You lived a long life and gave it your best shot. I'm glad you had Ren in your life. And I'm glad she had you. Thanks for being her Sweetie.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008)

This video is so cute I just had to post it. My friend D. is a couch surfer. She turned me on to couch surfing and this video. D. is this incredible couch surfing host. I haven't really done anything with my knowledge of couch surfing yet except meet many of the lovely folks who end up sleeping on D.'s "couch". If you don't know what a couch surfer is, you can go here to find out. The guy Matt, in the video is a couch surfer. Watch it and smile.

In a nutshell, Couch Surfing is a community of individuals that open their homes and hearts to travelers from around the world. Couch Surfing is a network that connects strangers, who are really just friends that haven't met each other yet. The host couch surfer, invites the traveling couch surfer, into their home for whatever period of time is negotiated. This could be one night or one month. It seems that more often than not, my friend D. is hosting one or more interesting characters on her "couch", which is usually her extra bedroom. But believe me, I've been there when both extra bedrooms and her couch are full along with a tent someone has pitched in the backyard.

Here's a link to a New York Times article about couch surfing. The second picture is of my friend with the red couch he traveled around the world with.

Sometimes I like to call them couch potatoes as a tease.

Twinkling Coochie

I was with a friend the other day who was telling me about her 5 year old granddaughter's sexual precociousness. Her granddaughter and her best friend both really like the same boy. They have a picture of him which they ripped in half so they can both carry part of him around with them. With a big smile she grabbed herself between the legs and excitedly told her grandma, "When I see him it makes my coochie twinkle!"

Summer 69

No, not the summer of 69. Just summer 69. The summer solstice arrived on June 20 at 4:59 p.m. this year, officially ushering in summertime and the astrological sign of cancer. Yes, I am a crab. On Saturday in the early a.m. I gathered with 28 women in Butte Creek Canyon for Wheel Of The Year celebration. We chanted and visualized and did those things that women do at these types of celebrations. We were honoring Litha, The Summer Solstice as well as each other and ourselves. During the visualization we met with our male selves and received gifts from them. Mine gave me a gift which he placed in my womb. It was warm and fiery, the gift of passion and orgasm. Then we walked to the creek and sent wishes for the planet off in little boats we made, making their journey to the ocean. Each woman stated her personal gift to the world and then made her wish and released her boat.

My gift to the world is being an advocate and guide to help facilitate better communication, specifically truth-telling. Both the truth of the moment and the absolute truth.

My wish for the world is for everyone to separate from themselves that which separates them from others.

Below comes from this website here:

LITHA: SUMMER SOLSTICE - 21st JUNE

At the Summer Solstice the sun is at its highest and brightest and the day is at its longest.

The Summer Solstice is a time of fulfillment of love and sexual maturity.

Although the days begin to grow shorter after the Summer Solstice, the time of greatest abundance is still to come. The promises of the Goddess and God are still to be fulfilled.

This is a time of beauty, love, strength, energy, rejoicing in the warmth of the sun, and the promise of the fruitfulness to come. It seems a carefree time, yet in the knowledge of life, is the knowledge of death...At this time of year, our physical energy is generally at its peak, and we are active and strong.

Happy birthday sweet sister.

Stone Henge--Summer Solstice--2008

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) I Dont Know How To Love Him

Jerry and I went to see Jesus Christ Superstar last night. I've always had a fondness for the music to this production and this song in particular right now really speaks to me. Our local production left some things to be desired although I'm pleased at their efforts and nevertheless enjoyed the show and I'm glad I went. The music was good, some of the singing not so great. I was entertained well and some parts were quite well done. Other parts were, well, not so great. The amount of pathetic desperation portrayed was hard to take but the over the top acting and campiness in parts, made it incredibly funny although sometimes I felt like I was the only one laughing. The scene with King Herod was my favorite. When the lights came on after the last scene with Jesus dying on the cross, there were some wet eyes and tear stained faces. This is when I realized that it had affected some others in the audience quite differently than it had me.

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) King Herods Song

Jesus Christ Superstar (2000) King Herods Song

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973) What's The Buzz/Mystifying (3)

Jesus Christ Superstar (2000) Everything's Alright

Subrogation

Subrogation:

1.	to put into the place of another; substitute for another.

2.	Civil Law. to substitute (one person) for another with reference to a claim or right.

I'm a bit annoyed right now but I'm in the process of letting it go and just enjoying the beautiful day.

I've been on the phone with insurance companies, the car collision place, and the doctor's office already this morning. No one has accepted liability for my car to get fixed yet, or for the accident in general. Of course, my insurance company will eventually pay for it (if in fact it can be fixed.) If the car is totaled than that's another ball of wax. But if it can be fixed then I have to pay the 500. deductible and then my insurance company will start the process of subrogation. Subrogation is where they do what they do to get their and my out of pocket expenses back from the other insurance company. They will only go after what my plan covers though so they will not be concerning themselves with my medical, car rental, or anything else. I'm not sure how I ended up with a policy with no medical or car rental on there but they are telling me that's the case. I've yet to go to my files and actually read my policy. I will soon enough.

In the mean time my arm is healing and it looks like I'm going to be left with one nasty scar. The burn from the air bad was deep. When it's a little more healed I'll start putting something on it to reduce scarring, I'm not sure what that will be yet. The darn thing got infected and was so painful I couldn't even walk with my arm hanging down, I'd have to hold it up by my heart. It had pus coming out of it. Oh, so gross. And I've been keeping it really clean of course. I think it's the chemicals they put inside the air bag that caused the infection. Anyway, the infection seems to be in check and like I said, it's healing.

My left breast got the worst bruising of all. On top and underneath...poor baby. Those bruises are still quite visible.

Now, one week and one day after the accident my neck feels worst than it has. Yesterday it really starting hurting more and it kept me awake last night. Turning it to either side is quite painful. I don't even want to say the W word but I think that's what's going on. Dammit. I have an appointment with a chiropractor and for a massage on Monday. I need to deal with this...take care of the damage before it embeds itself deep in my tissues. Ouch.

Million For Marriage

If you are into equal marriage rights for everyone, click here for the Million for Marriage website with a quick video to see what California did on May 16, 2008. It's not over yet though.

California Supreme Court decision: Denying same-sex couples
the right to marry is unconstitutional.

Hope Springs Eternal

I had a short conversation today with a friend about hope.
A couple of days ago I told her that hope springs eternal.
I was talking about her in regards to something she hopes to receive.
I said it a bit facetiously, like hope was a bad thing.
I guess that I really don't want to hope.
I want to accept things as they are.
It feels like a Buddhist stance.
I'm OK wanting.
I'm OK with being open to possibilities.
I'm OK with imagining want I want, not obsessing, but mulling it over a bit.
I'm OK with putting it out to the universe as a mild sort of request.
Sorta like, hey, if it's not too much trouble, this is what I'd like.
Think about it will ya? Keep it in mind.
Mull it over but don' bend over backwards to get this for me because,
well, hey, I know that in the big scheme of things,
everything is already perfect and I don't want to mess
with the universal flow or anything.
I mean, I'm willing and all,
and I'd actually really like to get what I want,
but then, maybe I don't really know what's best for me
and maybe I only think I want this
and in reality what I need is something else.
And maybe getting that will pull me off my true path,
or cause me unforeseen grief.
I know my perception is limited sometimes.
I don't always see the big picture.
So, lets say that you'll consider it if it's worth considering
and if it's in my best interest,
then you'll let it flow baby, you'll let it flow.
I trust you'll do what's right for me
and I'm open to whatever that is, so bring it on.
Now. I'm ready.
Yeah, something about hoping just feels too pushy.
Am I afraid of hoping?
Well, let me consider this...
It's not that I'm afraid of hoping.
But hope and fear are intimately connected.
If I make the choice to hope,
I simultaneously make the choice to fear.
It's not a choice of either or, it's both.
Always both.
Hoping I'll get something, fearing I won't.
I don't want to hope for something to be different than it is.
I might want it to be different.
But that's different than hoping it will be different.
I want for change to occur naturally and I hope to meet my moments.
It feels safe to hope for what's good and just in the world.
To hope small, in the macrobiotic sense
where the little affects the big.
I hope that generally speaking,
I will conduct myself in truth and love and compassion.
That I will be a true friend. A loving daughter and mother.
A conscientious wife and lover.
I hope that I will stay on track with my personal integrity
and that I'll never give up on expanding my awareness.
I hope that I will continue to grow and understand myself,
and life, and others better.
But to hope more specifically seems desperate somehow.
Hoping to have my needs met by some particular strategy seems limiting,
and stuck, and trapped, and stupid,
and reaching beyond my capacity to produce.
Like trying to push the tide.
I can't do that...oh wait, I can do that.
And I've learned that I don't want to do that.
I know I have enormous strength in my tenacity.
It's quite a ferocious power.
I know I can often get what I want by diligent pursuit.
By willfulness.
But this defeats my purpose.
If often backfires and burns me.
I desire to receive by simply being open to the myriad possibilities.
I desire to be pursued by that which desires to pursue me.
The what I want that wants me too.
I desire to receive life's bounties in each and every moment
and to never kick a gift horse in the mouth.

Tristan Taormino--Opening Up

The Cunning Minx at Polyamory Weekly (Responsible Non-Monogamy From A Kink-Friendly, Pansexual Point Of View) interviews Tristan Taromino on her new book, Opening Up--A Guide To Creating And Sustaining Open Relationships. I think this podcast was 30 minutes long and it's a good one. Here is the link to it, podcast #159.

Also, if you listen to the podcast or check our her livejournal by clicking on The Cunning Minx link above, you will find the offer code coupon secret word to enhance your shopping pleasure Adam & Eve for 50% off your purchase.

Tristan says:

"So much of open relationships is challenging and about letting go of expectations."

She talks about how her interest used to mainly focus on the sex and now her focus is on the people who are having the sex.

"Who are these people that run in these non-monogamous circles?"

She interviewed 126 people from all over the country, from all types of backgrounds and it's their voices that drive the book. Her purpose is to offer practical hands on advice on polyamory and other non-monogamous relationship styles. One thing that she offers in the book is identifying different particular styles of non-monogamy. She has created an outline to help people conceptualize their own relationships and to fill in the details for themselves. She has done her research and lays out all the different ways to do non-monogamy without the rules of coloring within the lines.

One section in the book offers a variety of new relationship structures along with the pitfalls of each relationship style. These are just a few:

*partnered non monogamy--two people who are partnered, committed to one another with their partnership at the center.

*mono/poly combo--one partner ismonogamous and the other is polyamorous. This is a common but very under represented group.

*solo poly--this may be a temporary situation such as when all of a person's energy is devoted to grad school, or raising their children or it might be a lifetime commitment. These people don't want to be in a couple by choice.

The solo poly is an interesting style in our society in that most people naturally tend to couple and we don't understand people who aren't in a couple. She offers a quote from her book from a woman with multiple partners but no primary partner:

"I struggle with the stories I was told while growing up about what it means to have a fulfilling life."

Don't we all struggle with this? We need to challenge these old worn out messages from parents, peers, t.v., society...

One message of the book is that everything is an option. There are also monogamous people represented in the book. People who have gone from monogamy to polyamory and vice versa, from polyamory to monogamy. The point is for you to custom design your relationship for you and for the people you are involved with.

Do do this we need to question the norms, actively and consciously, to make our own choices. She encourages us to not do monogamy by default, simply because it's expected of us. Any decision we end up making is fine. One way isn't better than the other. Monogamous or poly, doesn't matter. What matters is that we do it consciously. Also, to remember that the choice we make may be "for now", whether it is poly or mono, straight or queer, the choice is for now.
People change.

Don't do monogamy by default.

Ah, that reminds me of one of the lessons by my teacher, Abraham. It covers all aspects of our life--living actively, consciously, mindfully. Living on purpose.

In the interview Minx mentioned that she had read that Tristan doesn't like the word bi-sexual, and Tristan admits that she doesn't. She says she identifies as queer and equal opportunity. She says that the strict definition of being bi-sexual is: that you love and have sex and are romantic with people of both, two genders, male and female. The problem with this is that she believes there are more than two genders. Using the word bi-sexual reinforces this gender binary and what she is interested in doing is totally disrupting and challenging this construct. She says there are multiple gender expressions and gender identities. When will this be a mainstream obvious?

"Being queer is not just about who I love and who I have sex with. It about my culture, my community, my politics, it's about the way I see things and the way I walk in the world...Queer just feels so much more inclusive to me."

There is a lot of kink represented in the book. She says, "the great thing about kinky people and open relationships is that it's about the community. It's part of S/M culture. Sometimes it's about mentoring--playing with someone, learning skills from them. Kinky people have more clearly defined roles. Partners have a very specific niche, a unique role that they fulfill in a particular relationship and in doing this, kinky people tend to feel very secure in where they are in their relationships. In the kinky community, people's different needs are more readily recognized."

For monogamous people who have strong passions in their life, if these passions don't match with their potential partner's passions, it's easier for this to cause a rift in the relationship, or to be a deal breaker "well you aren't the one for me." But at the center of relationships with people in open relationships is the acknowledgment that we can't be everything to everyone.

She talks of Daphne Rose Kingma's book, The Future of Love, which I have written about before. It's a book that I have referred lots of people to. Tristan says:

" Her book is critical to my thinking about open relationships. "

It totally speaks to me too. I recently pulled it off the bookshelf in my office, feeling drawn to reading it again. After a few pages in I knew I was supposed to give it to one of my friends to read who got so much out of it that he bought another copy and gave it to his girlfriend. I don't know what she got out of it. I still need to get another copy for myself so I can reread it. In this book, the author makes the point how we expect people to be 100% compatible with us--sexually, parenting style, values, to be our personal and financial institutions. The assumptions we make and want from one person is of course, totally unrealistic.

Tristan said, "It's like going to your gynecologist and asking them to perform foot surgery. Not a good idea."

And then there was a little digression about feet in the pussy...

Next week's podcast will be the second half of the interview when Tristan Taormino talks about the future of the polyamorous movement.

Here comes the Sun, George Harrison dedication to Prabhupada

I dedicated about 10 years of my life to Prabhupada and the Hare Krsna movement. From 1975 to 1985. I look back on that time with very mixed emotions. In one sense, it was a safe haven for me. A box that trapped me but provided a refuge to hide in while I lived out some very intense karma. It was both a beautiful and miserable time and I realize that I might have died, or one of my children might have died if it wasn't for the strict boundaries embedded in a deep spiritual framework with all the rules and regulations, chants and prayers, dancing and delicious food (prasadam.) It was a spiritually profound time for me in my life. I gave birth to 4 children while married to a very wounded and abusive man. Daily devotional practice was the center of my life mixed right in with all the hurtful insanity. We did not emerge unscathed.

Jai Prabhupada!

namah om visnu padaya krsna presthaya bhutale, srimati bhakti vedanta swami, iti namine

I offer my humble obeisance’s unto His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, who is very dear to Sri Krsna on this earth, having taken shelter at His lotus feet.

George Harrison GOVINDA JAYA JAYA [Prabhupada]

Today is my eldest daughter's 32nd birthday... Thinking about her first birthday and a little party we had for her in Bidwell Park. I made her a paper birthday crown, gardenia garland and homemade nut ice cream.

One day, while still in my womb, this album was playing while we were discussing possible names for her. My friend Debi said, how about Govinda Jaya?! Her father and I both knew immediately and agreed, Yes!

She was a bicentennial baby--born June 17th, 1976 at home in my bed with only her father and 4 year old brother present--well, I was there too of course!

Her first word was Prabhupada, I swear to God!

Happy Birthday Govinda Jaya devi dasi. I love you and hope you have a beautiful day.

Check This Out--Opening Up

If you have 67 minutes to listen to a podcast over at Feast of Fools (gay podcast talk show featuring funny odd news, cocktail recipes, celebrity gossip and interviews) with Tristan Taormino about her new book (as well as other sex positive things) Opening Up--A guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships click here. You can also check out her website Pucker Up here.

How many people are truly satisfied by having one lover for their entire life?

Tristan Taormino - Opening Up Tristan Taormino, award-winning author, columnist, pornographic film director joins us to talk about her new book Opening Up: A guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.

Tristan studied over a hundred polyamorous people, in a sort of Kinsey Report on non-monogamy. Tristan interviewed in person, over the phone and by email, people who were content and settled, and others who were at a crossroads in their relationships.

She discovered that all the people engaging in this lifestyle “exude an above-average level of sexual and emotional satisfaction -something that in my experience and observation seems to elude a lot of people.”

Check This Out

This looks good.

Purchase tickets to all performances at:
Performance Space 122
150 First Ave. at E. 9th St. NYC 10009

Thursday June 19 @ 9pm
Saturday June 21 @ 9pm
Sunday June 22 @ 4pm
Wednesday June 25 @ 9pm

Hot Dish

A friend looked at me tonight and then did a double take before telling me what a hot dish I am. Hey, I like that. I've been thinking a lot about body image these days (my own body image in particular.) I can be really harsh on myself and even get depressed over it. I know better of course, but just the same... My body is holding on to more weight than it ever has before in my entire life and the gyrations this puts me through are interesting fodder for contemplation.

I'm on a love my body campaign at the moment. And I'm not talking about loving my body by eating well, getting more exercise and losing some of this damn extra weight either. I am talking about respecting and honoring it, consciously, mindfully, as the sacred temple that it is--and that may include eating well and exercise, doing more yoga and getting more massages, dancing more, etc. But what I'm really talking about is loving my body for what it is in this moment. Right here and right now, exactly the way it is. Accepting it. Loving it for the amazing vehicle it is, that gets me around so well wherever I want to go. Appreciating it's strength and flexibility. Loving it for all the pleasure it provides me. You know, feeling love and admiration for it. Luxuriating in it. Really getting in every moment how hot and sexy it is. Yea, I'm a hot dish!

These are some hot dishes I like:

Madonna - Hung Up

Time goes by... so slowly
Time goes by... so slowly
Time goes by... so slowly
Time goes by... so slowly
Time goes by... so slowly
Time goes by... so slowly

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun
I'm caught up
I don't know what to do

Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
Time goes by so slowly
I don't know what to do

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Ring, ring, ring goes the telephone
The lights are on but there's no-one home
Tick tick tock it's a quarter to two
And I'm done
I'm hangin' up on you

I can't keep on waiting for you
I know that you're still hesitating
Don't cry for me
'cause I'll find my way
You'll wake up one day
But it'll be too late

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Every little thing (Every little thing)
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you

Waiting for your call (Waiting for your call)
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Time goes by... so slowly
Time goes by... so slowly
Time goes by... so slowly
Time goes by-

So slowly, so slowly, so slowly,
So slowly, so slowly, so slowly,
So slowly, so slowly, so slowly,
So slowly, so slowly, so slowly,
So slowly, so slowly, so-

I don't know what to do

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Every little thing (Every little thing)
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you

Waiting for your call (Waiting for your call)
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you

Madonna - Give it 2 Me

My Arm Today

Now that's ugly.

I have a date this afternoon with a really cute guy I met last Thursday. He's Lebanese and he shaves his head. He's really nice and I let him touch me all over my body the first time we met. Do you think I should not take the attention he gives me too personally just because he is a doctor?

My friends have been so sweet to me with visits and flowers and phone calls. Everybody is glad I'm alive. Me too. It's nice to be loved.

Check This Out

Check out Mistress Matisse's blog posting for today here

..."I myself think the scenario that you and so many other people have presented to me is the perfect argument for polyamory."

Father-Papa-Daddy-Baablar-Pita-Padre-Pai

Happy Father's Day
Mutlu Baablar Günü
Día de padres feliz
Счастливый день отцов
Dia de pais feliz
Giorno di padri felice
Gl¨¹cklicher Vatertag
Jour de p¨¨res heureux
De gelukkige Dag van Vaders

father, papa, pappa, dad, daddy, pita, baablar, baba, patre, padre, fader, vader, pai, babu, otousan, chichi, bapa, babbo, athair, kohake, chao, far, pate, tata, peder, bab, tama, ta-ta, patri, vatter, kaka, pop, poppa, tad, po...

This morning I made Jerry coffee and pancakes with fresh blueberries on top.

My arm hurt really bad all day. I didn't realize how deep the "burn" from the air bag really was but when the first layer of skin peeled off it exposed a pretty deep slice taken out of my arm. Ouch.

Later in the day we attended the Father's Day Spring Fling which was a benefit for children in Belize. Jerry played with three different bands there.

As if the Humboldt fire wasn't bad enough (this evening it is 80% contained with 23,000. plus acres burned and 70 plus homes destroyed) there was another fire on, and next to, the land that several of my friends own and where the Spring Fling was held. Here, 20 acres and lots of trees were lost, fortunately no buildings. This is a picture of my friend fighting the fire with his garden hose.

Love and blessing to my beautiful sweet sister who just lost her daughter this last week. She dedicated her everything to caring for her in her last days, weeks, months and months...

My love to all the beautiful dads I know:
Jerry-Anthony-Nimai-Jaya-Robert-Rick-David-Mike-Johnnie-Miguel-Gilberto-
William-Stan-Kaz-Bob-Boo-Tom-Pat-Brian-Kim-Jimmy-Billy-Luke-Scott...to name just a few.

Fire and Arm Update

What they are calling the Humboldt fire, has now burned 20,500 acres, 20-40 homes, and is still only 10% contained. There are evacuation centers all over Chico to hold the families. The wind has died down so they are hoping to get it under more control today.

Jerry's band, Spark-n-Cinder was supposed to play in the city plaza tonight for the Friday Night Concert In The Park, but it's been canceled due to poor air quality. Maybe they decided there was too much spark and cinder already.

Here's how my left arm looks today. Ouch. Poor baby. But not bad compared to how my poor car looks and the potential damage a flying ladder could impart.

Crazy Day

Definition of Surreal: Unreal; disorienting; fantastic; having an oddly dreamlike quality.

My Day:

Drove out to Butte College and discovered that the campus was closed down and has become an encampment for the fire fighters working to put out the 10% contained wild fire that had burnt 8,000 acres and many homes in the area surrounding Chico. More and more people are being evacuated and it's pretty fucking intense.

Once back in town, on the freeway and smack dab in the middle of morning rush hour traffic, a ladder flew off the Comcast truck in front of me and flew into my car. Yes, it truly did. I swerved to miss it, didn't, spun the car around, hit the guard rail and braced myself in fear of being smashed into by another car. I wasn't. My air bag had deployed and my car was filling with smoke so I turned the ignition off, undid my seat belt, grabbed my keys and purse and got myself out of there. I called Jerry.

The Comcast guy stopped along with the guy who was behind me and almost hit me but didn't. Then some of fire fighters arrived along with 1st responders, California Highway Patrol (CHP), and a tow truck. Everybody did the things everybody does in those situations. I was pretty much in shock and refused to be transported to the hospital.

It had been too long and Jerry still hadn't arrived so I called him again and got his voice mail. Then I figured he had driven all the way out to Butte College because I had told him I was on the freeway directly in front of Butte College. There is a Butte College Chico Center which is what I meant but he's from the east coast (is that the reason?) and has a different idea than I do of what a freeway is (it's a road, that runs pass the Butte College Main Campus, off of a highway where I work which is 15 miles outside of Chico.) Anyway, that's where he zoomed off to rescue me. So I called my friend Pema and she didn't answer. Then I called my son who did answer said he was on his way. I thought I explained to him where I was but he ended up going out to the main campus also. I was feeling a bit abandoned and wondering who to call next when Jerry finally found me.

Then I spent the rest of the day at the doctor's office, getting x-rays, picking up a rental car, calling insurance companies, the CHP, etc. feeling nauseous and overall worse and worse with each passing hour. I'm home now, emotionally drained and pretty sore. It's the left side of my body that is all messed up. My arm got hit pretty bad by the air bag (did you know they are made of woven metal?) By chest is bruised, my neck and shoulder hurt, my hip hurts. I'm OK, but I'm kinda freaked out actually. I keep seeing that flying ladder...

Jerry took care of me. Pema came and took care of me too. Damn I'm happy to be alive.

The fire's still burning out of control. Burning right across the street from Butte College now. South Paradise has been evacuated. No roads into Paradise are open and only one road out.

In 1958, Georgia O'Keeffe painted Ladder to the Moon. In Pueblo culture the ladder symbolizes the link between the Pueblos and cosmic forces.

What does my flying ladder symbolize?

Surreal, crazy day.

More Jenny Block

Josie Schoel from Sadie Magazine does a great interview, Opening Up the Conversation with Jenny Block. I really resonate with this statement below--

...because I think that visibility is imperative if any of these things are ever
to be accepted as reasonable, normal ways of being.

It totally speaks to my passion and what I've been doing in my personal and professional life--making myself visible.

At the same time, in another interview with a publication called Quick, Jenny explains that's she does not see herself as a grand social changer, who advocates that open marriage is for everyone. She says that the only thing she advocates is honesty.

You go girl. You are a refreshing breath of air and I haven't even read your book yet.

Open--Jenny Block

I've been reading all the buzz about Jenny Block's new book called Open--Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage for awhile now. I just ordered the book today so I can't offer my own review.

You can order the book from Amazon here.

You can check out her website here.

Here's what Seal Press has to say:

Finally, a book about open marriage that grapples with the problems
surrounding monogamy and fidelity in an honest, heartfelt, and non-fringe
manner. Jenny Block is your average girl next door, a suburban wife
and
mother for whom married life never felt quite right. While many books on
this topic presuppose that the reader is ready to embrace an “alternative
lifestyle,” Block operates from the assumption that most couples who are
curious about or engaged in open marriages are in fact more like her—normal
people who question whether monogamy is right for them; good people who love
their spouses but want variation; capable parents who are not deviant just
because they choose to be honest about their desires. In Open, Block
paints a down-to-earth picture of how an open marriage can work, and
specifically why it works for her and her husband. In dissecting other
people's strong reactions to her choice, she explores the question of why
cheating is more socially acceptable than open marriage. In part, she
concludes, the lack of models for successful functional open marriages is
such that the general public is not yet equipped to handle treating it as
anything other than abnormal.Open challenges our notions of what
traditional marriage looks like, and presents one woman's journey down an
uncertain path that ultimately proves that open marriage is a viable option,
and
one that's in fact better for some couples than conventional
marriage.

Read her blog entries at the Huffington Post.

Read her weekly column about love, sex, marriage and open relationships in Tango Magazine here.

Slippery Slope

I've written before about my philosophy on cheating in relationships. I don't do it and I don't support others to do it. There was a time when I looked at cheating a bit differently. I was clear that I wouldn't cheat on my own partner, but I held each person responsible in the way that they carried on in their own relationship. The way this played out, at least theoretically was thus:

If I was your friend, and say, your husband and I found ourselves sexually attracted to one another, if you and he had an agreement to be monogamous, I wouldn't cheat on you with him because you and I would have a relationship with one another, thus making me responsible to you.

On the other hand, if I didn't know you therefore there was no relationship between the two of us, I might have, theoretically anyway, sex with your husband, leaving it up to him on how he carried out his agreements in his relationship with you. I would have considered what he did and did not tell you, along with who he did and did not have sex with, his business.

I felt justified in my ethical considerations and removed myself from all responsibility in the choices another adult made.

Then I found myself in a sexual relationship with someone who was married and I was friends with her husband. They had an agreement to be monogamous. But there were many other considerations. Nothing is ever black and white of course. Some of the considerations were that that she was really the one who was my friend and that I was only friends with him, only knew him, because of her. Their marriage was in desperately bad shape. They didn't communicate. He wouldn't have sex with her. She needed me and I was a safe haven for her while she figured out what to do with her marriage. It wasn't like I was trying to ruin her marriage. It was already in very bad shape but I sincerely hoped they would eventually work things out. It was a slippery slope.

In the end she told him everything and he told her everything (they were both cheating on each other) and they ended their relationship. That was a confusing time, when she was considering coming out with the truth to him but hadn't yet. I knew he would hate me and never forgive me. If they were to ever work it out, it was doubtful that he would want to work it out with me--he would feel betrayed and never want me in their home again, etc. And we both knew that we weren't going to give each other up so that complicated things with her and him. What a mess. There is of course, lots more to this story but the gist of it is that I realized that I was supporting and encouraging a behavior in my friend that was hurting her heart. Aiding and abedding someone to lie to someone they love is not something a true friend does...(ok, well I was a true friend and I still did that so...it's not something I believe to be an act of true friendship.) In the end I realized this and vowed to never put myself, or someone I love in that situation again. I want no part of that.

So now it's very clear to me. Not only would I not cheat with your husband if I know you, I would also not cheat with your husband even if I don't know you. The point is, that I know your husband and if I care enough about him to want to have sex with him, that means I care enough about him to want to protect his heart, and to protect the heart of the one he loves. I would never encourage a friend to cheat. But nothing is ever black and white and I discover another slippery slope...

I have a friend who is in a relationship with a don't ask, don't tell agreement. Now, my friend would like more open communication with his partner but up until this point, she hasn't been willing to discuss their arrangment in anymore detail. She has agreed that it is OK if they both have other lovers but she does not want to know anymore than that. In fact, she has another boyfriend and when my friend suspects that she has been with this other person he will ask her and she will confirm yes, as she doesn't lie to him, nor him to her. But she will never ask him if he has been with someone else as she does not want to know. Now, my friend has expressed interest in opening up this communication but it still stands as a don't ask, don't tell agreement, at least coming from the direction of her to him. Like I said, he can ask and she will tell, no graphic details but that much of the truth is revealed.

Where do I stand in all of this? Well...lets see. I know things aren't black and white. Humans are complicated beings. I'm not interested in being a self-righteous know-it-all. I'm a flexible person, open-minded and open-hearted and I try to be very aware of my judgments and opinions. This is their business of course and they have every right to carry on in the way that best suits them, or doesn't suit them as the case may be. But who am I to think I may know what's best for them?

Well, I kinda do think that I know what's more likely than not to be what's best for them but still, every relationship is unique and besides, it's their relationship and they need to figure it out for themselves. My hope for them, as for all relationships, is for more and more of the truth to be revealed, for more communication to happen, more secrets to be shared. I've had enough experience in relationships, with my own partners and with clients, to believe that the path of greater transparency creates more intimacy and grows love greater than withholds and the don't ask, don't tell rule.

But as I try to put my personal judgments aside, I still have my commitment to my own vows and my awareness of the slippery slope. Part of me relates to this don't ask, don't tell agreement as a free pass to cheat. What if I decided to have sex with this friend and then later I see him out and about with her? She's made it abundantly clear that she wouldn't want to know about me. So it seems to me that the only respectful thing for him to do in that case would be to avoid me altogether, or perhaps introduce me in a way that negates who I really am to him--a lover. Humm, that doesn't feel very respectful after all...

Besides the respect issue, I'm confused about my vow to protect and care for my friend's heart. No, this isn't out and out cheating. No, they aren't actually lying to one another. Yes, they have an agreement that it's OK to have other lovers...but...but...but...don't ask, don't tell just seems like a very slippery slope to me.

And of course the problem lies in that the fucking slippery slope looks so darn fun sometimes!

Unstoppable Friendship

What love requires is the willingness to know and understand intimately the conditions for the arising of suffering and the commitment to resolving a problematic existence.

From An Awakened Life:

This chapter talks about compassion and how living with an open heart comes out of awareness, deep sensitivity, and looking directly at the actualities of life. The author talks about how true friendship is a powerful force for healing and change and implores us to wake up to the existence of suffering. We all have our theories and ideas about how life is, or should be, about how relationships should go. And then here we are, in the midst of the real thing, not our concepts and preconceived ideas, but the actuality of it all. And that's what needs to be dealt with.

Authentic love comes from a mind that doesn't turn away. It comes from a mind that faces the possibility of not getting what we want, of losing what we have and being separated from whom and what we love.

The practical application of love is paramount. "What we see, hear, or read may touch our heart, but this inner response may fade quickly as other priorities and concerns enter our mind." Rather than just leaving love at the level of a feeling, we need to take appropriate action. I'm reminded of a parenting class I used to teach where I used the analogy of love being a verb rather than a noun. These were parents of troubled children, many of whom felt unloved and some of whom had been taken away from their parents and were in foster care. I explained how all parents love their children, at least all of the parents I've met do. But having the feeling of love for one's child and actually doing what it takes on a daily basis, to make that love obvious is another thing altogether. Love as a verb, takes action. It's what we do to show our love that counts. We have to be "committed to resolving a problematic existence". We can insert the word relationship here to take the place of existence.

We have to be committed, to do whatever it takes, to resolve a problematic relationship.

Authentic love requires the intention to do whatever it takes. This is what gives substance to love. Authentic love requires us to be available and supportive of another. It requires us to be responsible, to respond wisely in painful situations. What does being responsible in love mean? I have always appreciated this definition of the word responsibility:

Responsibility = Response and Ability = The Ability To Respond

Problems arise in human existence. Problems arise in relationships. We must be willing to understand the situation intimately. We must be willing to know the truth. We must be willing to be available and supportive and to resolve the problem whatever it takes. We must be willing to learn to respond with great ability. Authentic love demands this of us. This is true friendship.

Choosing to love can be difficult. We all want to love and be loved in return. But authentic loves asks for nothing in return. It releases the attachment to getting back that which we give out. It requires nothing from another.

It is an extraordinary thing to feel the power of love, to make life as much as possible one long act of unstoppable friendship.

I find the last quote from this chapter to be extraordinarily profound:

If we wish to lead a genuinely awakened life, we may well have to open our minds to teachings and practices outside of our respective faiths. Sometimes we are reluctant to do this. We feel we are betraying what we have put so much faith in. To explore does not mean a loss of faith: it is an act of faith to open our heart. If we are open to this exploration, we can experience a genuinely deep love without limitations. That's what counts. That's what we need to be very clear about.

Bare Bones

'All that I see is none other than myself, but with a different name and form.'

From An Awakened Life:

The gist of this chapter is that we have more in common with others than that which separates us--the four facts of physical existence--birth, old-age, sickness and death. Ouch.

I don't know, I didn't care for this chapter so much. It reminds me of the old boring Buddhist texts I used to read that just didn't resonate with me. There was nothing "wrong" with this chapter, just that the point it seemed to be trying to make wasn't done in a very inspiring way.

Two quotes from this chapter though that I like is the one above and this one:

Getting down to the bare bones means that we know will die and we live knowing it. It brings a different kind of perspective to daily life. Such a view, when properly understood, does not generate a depressed feeling but rather enlivens our participation in daily life.

Rant

Here's stupidity and bureaucracy for you:

When I moved my mother into assisted care they had us meet with an ombudsman, the director, and the R.N. who would be in charge of the whole kit and caboodle of her specific care plan. One of the things the ombudsman told me was that my mom would most likely settle into the move quicker and easier than the family would, that we all would probably have a difficult time leaving her in their hands, turning the care-giving over to professionals who would be providing her better care than we could. I looked at him a bit askew when he said this but made a choice not to take offense. I did say, "well, we'll see." My mom was ready to move out after two nights in the place.

They insist on having a physical therapy assessment so they will know the best way to offer support to the new residents. My mother has had physical therapy several times in the past and I've found them both a blessing and a bane. On the one hand they teach some nifty little exercise routines while breaking up some of the monotony of an elderly person's day. That's a good thing. On the other hand they often stress safety to such an extreme that they can scare the bejeebus out of an older person, making them afraid to walk or do much of anything on their own. I watched this happen each and every time a physical therapist was working with my mother and I've have my work cut out for me reversing the state of paranoia their advice would leave her in.

So once again, the physical therapist is working with my mother and has left instructions for the care-giving staff that she is not to get up and move around without an escort. I've been battling with them over this for three weeks now. While my mom was still in her own apartment her level of care had increased to the point of where we rarely left her at home alone, certainly not for any extended periods of time. Occasionally she would be on her own for a couple or few hours in the afternoon, when all her basic needs were covered and she had a phone nearby to call us if she needed anything. And then, one or more of us were calling her frequently to check in. So even though we had upped her care level to almost 24/7 she was still pretty much dressing herself and using her walker on her own to and from the bathroom and her bedroom.

She's started falling almost daily since moving into the assisted care so they put up a sign in her room which says Do Not Get Up! Call For Help. I took a marker and crossed off the do not get up, and changed it to Use Your Walker! Call For Help When Needed. She has never fallen while using her walker, only when she is walking without it. I'm certainly concerned about the possibility of her falling and breaking a bone but she is more likely to fall the weaker her legs get. And once she is wheelchair bound, it's unlikely that she will ever regain the use of her legs and I'd like to forestall that happening for as long as possible. My mother has a wheel chair which we purchased to take her out and about for long distances. The distance from my mom's room to the dining room where she takes her meals is farther than the distance she was used to walking at her old apartment and I was told that they would escort her to meals with her using her walker as far as she could make it and they would follow along with her wheel chair if she got too tired to continue. That made sense to me. Well, they've been neglecting to walk her to meals but rather just sticking her in her wheelchair right in her room and wheeling her back and forth. I've been bringing this to both the management as well as the individual caretakers attention who have assured me time and time again assured me that they will walk her to meals. It still isn't happening, at least not consistently and when they do walk her, it's usually for only a very short distance even though I have had her walk all the way to the dining room myself so I know she has the strength to make the walk. At least she did have the strength. Her legs are getting weaker and weaker and they keep chastising her when he they discover her up on her own. She feels like a prisoner in her room as she would never venture out of it on her own at this point. This is a big fancy and expensive care home and it's not like we aren't paying for this extra care. They have a basic rate they charge for the room ($3,000. per month) and then depending on the level of extra support a resident needs, they charge extra. We are paying them $1,500. a month extra for these services.

To make matters worst, my mother retains water in her ankles and has a prescription from the doctor to take a water pill as needed in the morning when her ankles are swollen. Now my mom isn't a pill popper and neither am I so she rarely took these pills unless her ankles were quite swollen. They have gotten more and more swollen since she has been living in this assisted care home (and this makes it more difficult for her to walk also.) I'm not sure why her ankles are more swollen now except that's it's probably related to the fact that we massaged her legs when they were swollen and made sure she drank enough water and encouraged her to put her feet up. Also, her diet was better too. Anyway, as needed prescriptions don't work well in assisted care homes because they don't allow residents to keep and take their own medicines and they don't allow the care-givers to deem when a medicine is needed. Only their R.N. can make that judgment, not the resident or a resident's family member. Problem is, the R.N. isn't always on duty and even when she is, she doesn't check in to look at my mother's feet, even though they originally explained that to me as part their procedure. They have decided to weight my mother everyday and only if her weight indicates that she is retaining water, are they allowed to give her a water pill. Well, as it turns out, her weight never indicates water retention even though her ankles are obviously swollen. Today I told them that their system isn't working and if they don't start giving her a water pill when her feet are this swollen that I will need to get some and give it to her myself. Their response was "Don't tell us that!" Well of course I'm going to tell you if I give her some medication, I responded, I certainly wouldn't want you to double up and give her some when I had already done so. But that doesn't work for them.

This reminds me of a Starbucks policy to not give someone a cup of hot coffee without the a lid. I'm sure that this rule came about from some liability--remember the woman who sued McDonald's and won when she scalded herself with hot coffee? It also makes some sense (as do the rules at my mother's assisted care home) that they are trying to protect a customer's well being. Except for the fact that awhile back they were using these really tight lids that were difficult to get off. I asked them to not bother putting the lid on because I had to take it off to put my half and half in anyway and that's when they told me that they weren't allowed to give me coffee without the lid and that it was to protect me from burning myself. When I explained to them that I was more likely to burn myself while struggling to get the lid off they simple repeated the rule. This suggested to me that they really weren't as concerned about me burning myself as they were about me suing them if I burnt myself. Of course, the poor little barista was just following the rule. They certainly aren't paid to break a corporate rule by using their brain and doing something that makes more sense. They'd probably get fired for doing that.

I don't think that anyone at the assisted care home is willfully endangering my mother's well being by being negligent with her care. At the same time, she's getting weaker and weaker everyday because they discourage her to get up and walk on her own and they push her to her meals in a wheelchair rather than taking the time to walk with her. And then there is the problem with the water retention...

You should have heard the marketing director boasting about how strong and healthy she was going to get living there with all of their assisted care and exercise programs! I have a meeting with the R.N. and physical therapist on Tuesday to go over her personalized care program.

Bill Withers - Lean On Me

Life's Simple Pleasures

Ok, I finally managed to get my The Beauty Of It All pictures from my rampage of appreciation yesterday, downloaded:

My lovely strawberries from the market with this fantastic organic honey yogurt made by Saint Benoit;














A gift bouquet of flowers from the market;





















The beautiful fabric I found for curtains and to recover the cushions in our motor home;












This year we had a bumper crop of the sweetest cherries I've ever eaten;















pink flower;

















hydrangeas;
















lemons;













Acanthus flowers;


Buddha in the sun;

Mary with flower;













I found this goddess in the dirt the other day while watering.

The Beauty Of It All

OK, I admit it, I'm a bit bummed. The story goes like this--I slept in this morning. Well, actually I laid in. I stayed in bed late and watched clips of old Shirley Temple movies. Thus my earlier post of the day. I loved Shirley Temple when I was a kid and I've probably watched all of her movies several times each. Shirley did something for me. What exactly I'm not sure. but all the singing and dancing certainly had something to do with it. She touched me in some deep and sweetly profound way.

So anyway, I finally pulled myself up out of bed and walked to the natural foods store which is approximately six blocks away. Have I mentioned before how appreciative I am to live downtown? Yes, of course I have. Anyway, it was about 11:00 by the time I made it out the door to get myself a coffee and yogurt. The coffee was for the walk home and the yogurt was for the strawberries I bought last night at the Thursday night downtown market.

My sweet friend K. came by last night and I made us Cosmopolitans. Now, I've never been much of a drinker...well, yes, of course I have, on and off. I'm a social drinker mostly but up until recently my habit has been to usually keep it simple with wine or beer or if I'm out drinking I'll often order whatever my companion is drinking. I have a friend who always has her evening cocktail so when she has us over for dinner, or when I happen to stop by at the right time, I've gotten used to partaking in cocktail hour with her. Then there is another friend who drinks shots of whiskey when she goes out dancing, and another friend who brought Scotch to a party which I really enjoyed. The other night I had a friend over for dinner and she brought all the makings for margaritas. Then there is the friend who ordered me a martini the first night we met, it was my first martini ever and I now I have an infinity towards them (and him.) Needless to say, I've been influenced in the alcoholic beverage department and I've decided that I want to educate myself more about how to make various cocktails. I decided to start with martinis so I looked up martini recipes on the Internet and found several but in the process I got intrigued with Cosmopolitans so I ended up there as a starting point. I found the perfect antique martini shaker for $10. at the second hand store just 1/2 alley up from my house, along with two martini glasses for .50 each. I then secured the proper ingredients and voila, I was ready to make my hostess of the martini mostess, er, well, cosmopolitan, debut.

Back to my friend K. We made a date for the downtown Thursday night market and happy hour and happy hour ended up being in my own kitchen. With martini glasses in hand, we made our way out the back door for a tour of Jerry's and mine new home on wheels. Afterwards, as Jerry was drumming for the Afro-Brazilian dance troupe at the downtown city plaza we made our way there for the second of three performances before making our way through the market and buying a few fruits, vegetables and flowers along with frozen-chocolate-strawberry shish kabobs for dinner. Then we came back home for another cosmopolitan and conversation about health care and insurance companies! Not my favorite topic but we somehow ended up there and it was a lovely evening just the same.

Now back to this morning after my walk and coffee--with a bowl of yogurt and strawberries with some almonds on top, I got all appreciative of the beauty of my life and I was just feeling so thankful of the moment I decided I had to capture it on camera. I went throughout my house and yard, snapping photos of many simple pleasures in my life that make me happy such as cherries hanging in the tree and the colors and textures of the new fabric I bought to cover the cushions in our motor home. I planned to download the pictures onto my computer and then post them on this blog, which I was originally going to write this morning while I eat my bowl of yogurt, strawberries and almonds. Instead, I got all distracted by my camera which refused to download the pics and thus the post never happened. I proceeded to have a wonderful day regardless.

At this point I've just drank another cosmopolitan, made love with my husband, and we are leaving for the Downtown Friday Night Concert In The Park with Big Mo with plans to meet up with a lovely friend.

I have no pictures to go along with this post, and yet as I write I realize that I'm not bummed at all. I'll keep you updated on my bartending abilities. Jerry isn't much of a drinker but he likes mohitos so I'll be learning to make those next.

Recipe for Cosmopolitans:

4 parts vodka
2 parts cranberry juice (not just cranberry but the cocktail stuff--by the way, I think pomegranate juice would be really yummy--who knows maybe just cranberry would be too)
1 part triple sec
1 part lime juice
fill martini shaker with crushed ice, shake, and fill 2 martini glasses!