Managing Jealousy

The other morning I was walking in the park with one of my best friends when she said to me, "I've decided that monogamy is stupid." Yes, I agreed. Not that I don't wholeheartedly support the choice of monogamy as a valid relationship style, it's just that it seems to ultimately cause so many problems, in so many relationships, that I agreed, monogamy certainly is "stupid" when chosen for the wrong reasons. It can lead to creating more pain than the original pain one was trying to avoid by agreeing to be monogamous in the first place.

Not that polyamory is any less likely to be chosen for the wrong reasons or that it doesn't lead to problems in relationships. Love relationships are often just so complicated. Humans are complicated and we tend to experience complicated emotions. But truthfully, I suspect it's more about our inability to communicate skillfully and honestly; our unwillingness to fully experience the full range of our emotions; and the immobilizing fear of exposing our authentic selves to those we love and are attached to, more than the actual monogamous or non-monogamous style of relationship we choose that causes us so many problems anyway. And regardless of whether we practice monogamy or polyamory, jealousy is a common emotion that most of us experience, at least occasionally.

Recently I wrote about transforming jealousy into compersion. But what is one to do when jealousy refuses to be transformed and is having its way with you, refusing to loosen its tenacious grip? Ok, I admit it, I'm jealous.

There seems to be nothing for me to do at this point except to just accept it and learn to live with it. Hopefully the transformation will take place some day but for now I'm getting to practice managing my jealousy. In doing so I'm recalling some past discussions where I was on the sidelines, listening to people talk about the differences of "inappropriate" jealousy and "well founded" jealousy. Some folks define this "well founded" jealousy as coming about from a real, as opposed to an imagined threat. The trigger for "well founded" jealousy comes from the outside. Whereas "inappropriate" jealousy is considered to be an "inside job" related to (besides being socially constructed) a person's insecurities and feelings of vulnerability, a lack of self-confidence, self worth, and considering ones self, in some fashion, as being "less than". Jealousy is apt to arise when you imagine that your lover's other love interest is/or will create a negative impact on you , that you are/will experience some sort of lack or loss.

In regards to "well founded" jealousy, these real relationship threats can arise at any time, often when least expected, sometimes when your relationship is already in crisis. A new person comes around and for a variety of reasons, their showing up seems to be a big red flag signaling the beginning of the end of your current relationship. Real threats to one's relationship do arrive and this "well founded" jealousy is a perhaps a warning sign.

Here's one common theme that often arose in the discussions surrounding "well founded" jealousy: The person senses from the beginning that their lover's new love interest does not bode well for their established relationship. The new person puts off a "territorial vibe" that alerts their defenses. They notice the instinctual corralling of their lover's attention and can predict the monogamous demands that will soon be made once the other has embedded themselves securely in their lover's heart, arranging for their relational position of exclusivity.

I was privy to many of these descriptions of people losing their lovers and it's a story line that fairly well matches what happened to us. Time has passed, but still on occasion, along with the compersion, I experience what some folks would call "well founded" jealousy. Our relationship crisis was in full swing and the timing was perfect for him to make the swoop. It sounds dramatic to say that our lover was ripped from our embrace but as I recollect, we had momentarily broken our embrace, leaving her in a vulnerable position to be lured away. It's really a very complicated story with many pieces that influenced its current outcome but the bottom line is that our poly lover of five years, fell in love with another, and left us to lead a monogamous life. Her new lover insisted, "me or them", and we insisted, "we love you whatever you choose." He got what he wanted. We didn't. Except that we did actually get what we wanted because ultimately we wanted her to choose what was right for her and she did that, so...like I said, it's complicated. And maybe, just maybe, the timing was really perfect for all of us and I'm just having a problem letting go, moving on and accepting what is...well obviously.

So do I condone my jealously? Am I making excuses for it? After all, another proved to be a real threat to my love relationship. Didn't he? But no, I don't condone it or make excuses for it. My jealousy doesn't warrant that. And I don't reject it either. It's just an emotion that has come about because I perceive one or more of my needs being unmet. And it doesn't matter if it's "well founded" or "inappropriate." That's all a matter of perspective due to whatever story I'm telling myself. But here I am, three years later, still dealing with this damn jealousy that arises from the story--that he came into our lives and took our sweetheart away. That she went willingly is probably what stings the most.

But everything in life can be perceived as a threat if that is the outlook we choose to take. Life is full of uncertainty. Every step is a step into the unknown. Everything we possess is a gift from the universe and it can be taken from us at any moment. Every experience is temporary, every situation is fleeting, including relationships. Every moment is precious, every opportunity to love, a blessing that should be experienced to it's fullest in the here and now because tomorrow it may be gone. And it will be gone eventually, if not tomorrow, then the next day, or week or year... no doubt about it. I'm learning to live with uncertainty, to appreciate it. To go with both the give and take, the ebb and flow.

Go with the ebb and flow. That's how I manage my jealousy when I feel it bubbling up. Resisting the cycles of what comes and goes in life is resisting life itself. And I intend to experience life fully. So I consciously renew my intention to experience all of life and I breathe deeply, welcoming jealousy in, releasing my judgments about it, allowing it to simply be what it is. I try to stay out of my head with stories my mind loves to tell, reminding myself of what I know to be true. This truth is that my perceptions of loss and abandonment are not real. The love I experience for my lover is real. She left because it was what she needed to do. She is experiencing herself in a safe and nurturing environment. She is loving and being loved. While I was clamouring for her freedom, her soul was yearning for security. Her new life with her new partner is just what she needs right now to heal and grow and creatively express in the direction of her authentic self. I know that I miss her but I also know that I have no real desire to possess her, to pull her away from herself or from him. What she chooses to do with her life is no real threat to me. That's all in my imagination.

I may not appreciate the tactics her lover used to take her away but I do appreciate his love for her. His demands for exclusivity may irk me because they interfere with me getting what I want. But I also know that the decisions that he made and that she made, weren't about me. It's their story.

I have another story of my own too. In this story I know that what I get is exactly what I need. That's just the way I read what has transpired in my life so far. I may not understand the perfection of it at this particular time but I do know that what is, is somehow perfect and besides that, and perhaps most importantly, it is reality and reality is the truth. Sometimes, because of my skewed perception, I perceive the "in my face" truth as painful. But when I resist the truth, and resist my perception of pain caused by the truth, I suffer. I'm tired of suffering. I'm I'm practicing learning to welcome it all, whatever comes.

In knowing that I get what I need, I'm willing to accept what is, to want it, to love it. Not that loving what is is always easy. It's one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do at times and I'm certainly not always successful. But in my heartmind I know there is no separation, that my perceived hurt and jealousy simply come from a misperception of loss. The energy that arises in me as jealously is the same energy that arises in me as compersion. It's all the same life energy and its simply my stories that change my experience of it. I haven't loss a thing. I give thanks that I am gifted with so much life force. So much love. Another story I know, but this one works better for me.

I'm noticing the strong connection between jealousy, compersion, attachment, and love. I get that all of my love relationships are powerful lessons in non-attachment. All of them bust my ego. Loving another without attachment...is there anything more difficult than that?

I'm supposing that as my attachment to things being different than what they are diminishes, my jealousy will also diminish and transform itself into compersion. In the meantime, I'll keep managing it.